No more squeaks… Michael Jackson tribute

June 26, 2009 – 3:02 pm -

“I’m wondering that, as we find out details of his
death, if perhaps the stress of preparing for those
dates was a factor in his collapse.”  – Paul Gambaccini

“A lot of people think I’m a Michael Jackson
impersonator” – Michael Jackson
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|_|         |_|  26.06.09 SPECIAL ISSUE 454
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“And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller”

The special Michael Jackson tribute issue
——————————————————

>> RIP Jacko <<
We’ll always have Thriller

Prescription drugs, anxiety medication, a
long-standing fairly secret alcohol problem,
and the almost constant threat of bankruptcy.
Then add on top the no win situation of the
concert series – pull out and lose what was
left of his reputation or head to the O2
with frail health and stagefright, and
lose what was left of his reputation.

So farewell Michael Jackson, if you are dead
and not whisked away to Bahrain while an
impersonator throws us off the scent.
He touched so many people through his life
- and no doubt many of the younger ones will
be going to the press with their stories.
And not only did he leave us so many brilliant
songs, let’s remember all the laughs we shared too.
Rest in peace Michael: hopefully you will be
sharing some Jesus Juice with Jesus tonight.

——————————————————
“Madonna can’t stop crying” -  BBC News ticker.
——————————————————

>> Fan fiction <<
Even in death, a cock up

Supercrass writes from LA:
“On the corner of Hollywood and Vine sits a star
along the “Hollywood Walk of Fame,” with loads
of flowers, candles and pictures, surrounded by
fans of Michael Jackson. (Pictured in almost
every newspaper this morning). The star they have
been surrounding all day is marked with the
name, Michael Jackson. But the star does not
belong to The King of Pop, it belongs to British
born radio host Michael Jackson, who has been
an L.A. radio personality for over 30 years.
Seems the other Michael Jackson’s star has
been covered since early Thursday morning.
Covered by a red carpet. A red carpet
leading to The Chinese Theatre Hollywood
premiere of Bruno.”

——————————————————
“I feel this is the biggest celebrity story in a
long time and has the potential to be the Princess
Diana of popular culture.” – Melanie Bromley,
Us Weekly magazine.
——————————————————

>> The Jackson Memorial Jokes <<
Even in death, he brings us laughter

Jacko Memorial Joke 1

Reports of Michael Jackson having a heart
attack are incorrect.

He was found in the children’s ward having
a stroke.

——————————————————
The King of Pop referred to semen as “Duck Butter”.
And the booze he gave to young boys as “Jesus Juice”.
——————————————————

Jacko Memorial Joke 2

There will be a post-mortem today to determine
which was the cause of death:

A) Sunshine B) Moonlight C) Good Times D) Boogie

——————————————————
“I don’t think we will ever have a world without
Michael Jackson.” Trevor Nelson
——————————————————

Jacko Memorial Joke 3

Michael Jackson died of shock after finding out
Boyz II Men was a band not a delivery service.

——————————————————
“Michael Jackson showed me that you can actually see
the beat. He made me believe in magic. I will
miss him.” – P Diddy
——————————————————

Jacko Memorial Joke 4

Jockeys at tomorrow’s race meetings will wear
black armbands out of respect for Michael Jackson,
who successfully rode more three yr olds than
anyone in living memory.

——————————————————
“When he held me and hugged me I could feel total,
unconditional love from him. It was one of the most
special moments of my life.” -  Uri Geller.
(Poor Uri is likely to be the second biggest loser
from Jacko’s death. The only reason for the media
to call on him now is gone.)
——————————————————

Jacko Memorial Joke 5

McDonald’s are bringing out the Michael
Jackson tribute burger.
50 year old meat between two 7 year old buns.

——————————————————
“I’m having a million different reactions
I didn’t expect I would feel.” Cher
——————————————————

Jacko Memorial Joke 6

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson
and Alex Ferguson?

Fergie WILL be playing Giggs in August.

——————————————————
“I feel like John Lennon got shot”
Fall Out Boy’s  Patrick Stump
—————————————————–

Jacko Memorial Joke 7

When Farrah Fawcett arrived in Heaven, God was
such a big fan he decided to grant her one wish.
She asked that all the children in the world
could be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson.

——————————————————
Michael Jackson bought Aaron Carter a Bentley for his
16th birthday after they hung out a couple of times.
Aaron said “I was very freaked out, trust me.”
Aaron hasn’t mentioned MJ’s passing yet, but keep
your eyes peeled – http://twitter.com/aaroncarter7
——————————————————

Jacko Memorial Joke 8

Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.
He ate some 12 year old nuts.

…Er or was it a five-year old wiener?

——————————————————
Michael Jackson once invited Justin Timberlake to
Neverland. When JT turned up with Britney, Jacko got
furious and refused to open the gate for half an hour.
When they finally got into the party, Jacko ignored
Britney and went off with Justin.
——————————————————

Jacko Memorial Joke 9

50 kids have volunteered to identify the body
as they have first-hand experience of
seeing Michael Jackson stiff.

——————————————————
Michael Jackson’s favourite Christmas record was
Mud’s Lonely This Christmas.
——————————————————

Jacko Memorial Joke 10

Michael Jackson’s legal team announced that
he had agreed to be melted down by undertakers
to make plastic toys. So, kids can play with
him for a change.

——————————————————
“He was not only a talented person, but he was
unique – a genius. It’s such a loss. It feels
like when Kennedy died.” – Celine Dion
(Just in case you don’t have the dates to hand,
JFK was assassinated in 1963. Five years later – in
1968 – Celine Dion was born.)
——————————————————

Jacko Memorial Joke 11

It has been reported on the “Angels News”
Michael Jackson was refused entry to heaven due
to the fact they dont accept plastic.

——————————————————
“When I started working with him, I think
that was when he really started to isolate
himself” – Sheryl Crow
——————————————————

>> And what happened to Bubbles? <<
Wanking monkey finds itself set adrift

From Stephen Davis, MJ’s ghostwriter:
“What happened to Bubbles in the end was that he
started jerking off in front of busloads of
school children who would come to Neverland Ranch.
So they put him in monkey school, they retrained
him, and they put him in these diapers. But one
day, some very important schoolchildren came to
Neverland – from Japan, I heard later – and they
brought the monkey out, because the kids wanted
to know where Bubbles was. So they bring the
monkey out, but he had managed to reach into
the diaper and had these two handfuls of monkey
shit, which he threw at the kids. And that
was the end of Bubbles. They sent him to like,
Monkey Ranch, or something”

(FYI: Michael Jackson reportedly disciplined his
chimp Bubbles by shaving his arse.)

——————————————————
“I would not be the artist, performer and
philanthropist I am today without the influence
of Michael.” – Usher
——————————————————

From the archives: issue 85, 22/08/2001

>> “No Squeaks Motherf*cker!” <<
Quincy Jones gets the best of out Jacko

Lord Delawdy writes:
“A friend of mine was in Los Angeles 79 thru 87.
Michael Jackson had had a huge hit with Off The
Wall, and was recording the follow up.

“The sessions were arranged for a very late start,
and, after a night on the town, my mate popped
around to the studio to see the producer.

“He got into the control room to find that
everyone’s attention was fixed on the glass
window. On the other side, Quincy Jones was kicking
a pile of rags on the floor while shouting
“Silent, you motherfucker! I said NO SQUEAKS!”

“It turned out the pile of rags was a gibbering
Michael Jackson. They were recording a new song
called Billie Jean, and Michael had decided
to fill every gap with his trademark whoops,
clicks and squeaks. Quincy, however, had decided
that the track would be a pared down.

“After several hours of trying to get the
singer to do what he wanted, and having consumed
large quantities of ragedust, Jones had finally
snapped and attacked the poor freak. Needless
to say, after the outburst, MJ sang the song
how he was told to, and the rest is history.”

——————————————————
02 Ticketholders will either get a refund or an
ticket exchange… wonder the going rate for
a Jackson is? (1 Jacko = 2 Backstreet Boys maybe?)
——————————————————

From the archives, issue 85, 22/08/2001

>> In Bed with MJ <<
Lonely pop star loves Disney

Norwegian person writes:
“When Michael Jackson played in Oslo in 1993, he
had installed in his hotel suite a giant screen
and video projector. He then made the guy who
installed it lay in bed with him, watching
Disney cartoons for two hours. I know because
I know the installer.”

——————————————————
“Michael Jackson’s still a kid. I’m still a kid.
We’re both going to be about eight years old
forever.” – Macaulay Culkin, 2003
——————————————————

From the Archives: Issue 260:

>> Macaulay comes good! <<
Was Jacko saved by Culkin sperm?

MacCaulay Culkin’s testimony that Michael
Jackson had never fiddled with him went
a long way to persuading the jury that
Gavin Arvizo’s story couldn’t be trusted.
But we hear from a source in Santa Maria
that Macaulay didn’t want to testify
until the judge ruled that he could not be
asked any questions about whether he was the
real sperm donor for Paris Jackson…
Michael’s blonde, fair-skinned daughter.

——————————————————
Michael Jackson used to give alcohol to his young
sleeping partners and tell them that getting drunk
“was part of being a man”. He called it Jesus Juice.
——————————————————

From the Archives: Issue 259, 08/06/2005

>> Jacko: the End Game <<
Next up – death by dehydration?

While the jury deliberates, dozens of Michael
Jackson fans are arriving at Neverland in
expectation of their idol meeting a sticky end.
Many are tying ribbons around tree trunks.

Within the Neverland gates, there are serious
concerns about the Gloved One’s health.
Michael is eating very little and not drinking
enough fluids. When he visited the Santa Ynes
hospital last week, he needed to be given
double the normal amount of IV fluids.

However, everyone is going to assume that the
health stories are a desperate PR stunt, and will
continue to do so until the moment he dies.

>> Things that make you go wah! <<
How Michael Jackson touched us all

The scene at the Jackson house yesterday:
http://tinyurl.com/lxmk7w

That Filipino jail doing Thriller:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M

Wedding Thriller:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YT6InvLJUzA&NR=1

Bollywood Thriller:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbvP7dT3Dx0&feature=related

The Accrington Michael Jackson, pts 1 & 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2f7Adqvka0E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XU4-HpCEZA

MJ’s genius performance of Billie Jean:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfIE3Rz6IgE

I’ll Be There:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KT-H5eSQ-1U

****************************************************
Thanks to: CL, GA, AM, CF, AG, NJ, HB,
supercrass, SW, AP, and everyone who has been
circulating jokes this morning
*****************************************************

Tags: jokes, Latest Issue, Michael Jackson, Quincy Jones, tribute
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