Bizarre love triangle

Written by: loullamae

The Brangelina/Aniston love triangle has been keeping gossip mags in business for five years now, and over the last twelve months we’ve been keeping tabs on the different stories from the States with a mild interest. The National Enquirer may not be the main offender for keeping the trio’s rumour mill alive but they’re certainly the most imaginative.

Brad and Angelina have been married twice, split twenty times, Brad’s gone back to Jen eight times, Jen’s been over Brad three times, and she’s been pining for him sixteen times…

For the fuller story

1. COVERS

How to do it:

Make up a ridiculous headline that bears little relation to the story inside, but uses photos of the trio while mid sentence that roughly illustrates the storyline:

2. CHILDREN

Remember when Brad “said” he didn’t want anymore kids until he and Angelina were married? Then she got pregnant. Then they had twins. Then Jen got pregnant* in a bid to split up Angelina and Brad, which got a few weeks’ worth of stories with “Who’s the Daddy?/ She’s been on the phone to Brad!” etc. But Jen was reportedly with child in August last year – which would make her six months gone by now.

Actual children: two.                                                   Phantom children: one.

*According to the National Enquirer (see above coverline)

3. FILMS

Ever noticed that the films used with reference to each actor change according to the sentiment of the story?

As their love lives have swung from poor Jen can’t get a man to poor Angelina can’t keep her man with Brad like a sitting duck between the two, their lives have been described through their film roles. When Jen is crying alone in her hotel room because she’s been dumped (again), it’s the tragic “Jen, who has recently split with John Mayer” or “Jen, who was married to Brad for four years”, but when she’s dating someone like Bradley Cooper as part of her “twisted love plot” it’s “sizzling Jennifer Aniston [...] the former Friends beauty”.

When Angelina is meant to be pleading for Brad to come back, she’s the pious “Changleing star”, but the minute she’s meant to be the one calling the shots by kicking him out of the bedroom/house or supposedly condoning cheating, she’s the “Tomb Raider beauty”. Brad started out as the “Benjamin Button star”, but as his relationship with Jolie apparently gets worse, so does his drinking (allegedly), and he becomes the “Inglourious Basterds star”.

But this week’s Enquirer takes it a step further with Angelina apparently taunting Brad about planning to cheat on him with Johnny Depp in their new film, comparing the raunchy scenes to those in Mr & Mrs Smith, obviously.

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Tags: angelina jolie, brad pitt, Jennifer Aniston, National Enquirer
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