The Expendawhos? Make way for Machete.

Written by: gary ogden

Here at Popbitch we’ve had our beady little eyes on two upcoming films for some time now – The Expendables and Machete.  Now we’ve all seen the trailer for The Expendables, and it seemed its bum-clenching awesomeness buried Machete in its dust.  But now a ‘proper’ trailer has been released for Machete, so if you thought you’d clenched your bum as hard as you could, get ready to turn it inside out and clench like you’ve never clenched before:

 

 

Sorry The Expendables, but let us count the ways in which Machete might just be the best action film ever made.

 

 

1.  It’s Danny Trejo’s first leading role

Danny Trejo is a real life hardman – he did time for armed robbery and while inside became the California state prison boxing champion.  So basically, with a load of machetes in his jacket – he’ll be even harder.

 

 

2.  Robert Rodriguez is a fantastic director

If we ignore the Spy Kids trilogy, Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D and Shorts (not enough killing) then pretty much every other film Rodriguez has made is badass.  There aren’t many directors whose CVs boast the likes of El mariachi, Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn, The Faculty, Sin City and Planet Terror.  Robbie also likes wearing massive cowboy hats – which although normally a direct route to looking like a knobhead – actually makes him even cooler.

 

 

3.  The cast is awesome:

 

 

Michelle Rodriguez - The crazy one who likes to get really drunk at weddings and push fully clothed guests into the swimming pool, as well as taunting strippers by informing them that they are “fat and have a small dick”.  Hopefully there’s at least one scene at a wedding in Machete otherwise she won’t be able to fully make use of her expertise in this field.

 

 

 

 

Jessica Alba – Alba hasn’t had a hit for a while, apart from the one to her arse in Michael Winterbottom’s upcoming The Killer Inside Me.

 

 

 

 

 

Robert De Niro (Who he?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lindsay Lohan - There’s a scene in the fake trailer that has two topless women frolicking in a lake with Machete – Lindsay is due to replace one of these actresses in the final film, so this might be a chance to finally catch a glimpse of the elusive flesh of this notorious prude.  Oh wait.

 

 

 

 

Cheech Marin – He’s been up in smoke, he’s had nice dreams, he’s come from Hollywood, he’s still smokin’, he’s asked you to get out of his room, he’s been around after hours and he’s been far out man.  If this means nothing to you – you probably won’t care that he’s in this movie.

 

 

 

 

Jeff Fahey - The man who is fond of lawnmowers is clearly also fond of Robert Rodriguez – or at least the other way around, as Rodriguez cast Fahey in his other retro rampage, Planet Terror.
By the way, it’s pronounced ‘Faaa-heeey-yeeeeeee!’ – high volume essential.

 

 

 

 

Don Johnson – The best bit in the trailer is when it says, “Introducing Don Johnson” – genius.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rose McGowan – Previously Rodriguez’s squeeze, McGowan is probably best known for the one who gets cat-flapped in Scream.

 

 

 

 

 

Tom Savini - The absolute master of gory special effects – just check out his work in Dawn of the Dead, Maniac, Friday the 13th and The Burning.  He’s also been known to pop up in the odd horror flick too – our favourite is ‘Sex Machine’ in From Dusk Till Dawn, you know, the one with the retracting penis-gun?

 

 

 

 

 

Steven Seagal – Fetch us a tissue will you?  We just done accident in our pants.

 

 

 

 

 

4.  There’s a bit where Machete attaches a mini-gun to his motorcycle and rides it over a huge ramp while firing it wildly.

Rodriguez is clearly a fan of Chuck Norris and his vehicular modifications, and takes it that one (needed) step further in Machete by incorporating a massive jump into the proceedings.

5.  Steven Seagal and Danny Trejo have a machete fight.

Did you get us those tissues?

 

 

So there we have it – surely enough reasons for anyone in their right mind to want to go and see Machete.  If you’re still unconvinced, err, tough?

Machete will be in cinemas late this Summer.

 

 

 

Tags: cheech marin, danny trejo, don johnson, jeff fahey, jessica alba, Lindsay Lohan, machete, michelle rodriguez, Robert De Niro, Robert Rodriguez, rose mcgowan, steven seagal, the expendables, tom savini
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