Were ‘The Expendables’ expendable?

Written by: gary ogden

The incessant wet-dream marathon is over.  We’ve finally seen The Expendables.  It was really good, but not really really really good.  It should have been really really really good, but it was just really good.  Why?  Well, below we’ll offer our thoughts in a handy bullet-point-type arrangement:

Reasons why it was really good:

• It has an amazing cast – you already knew this.
• The beginning has Dolph Lundgren blowing someone IN HALF with a huge gun.
• The beginning has lots of people getting killed by Jason Statham’s throwing knives – although ridiculous, this is still rather satisfying.
• Mickey Rourke shows up to talk a lot.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis turn up to talk to Sly – this scene is pleasing on the eye, ear and mind.
• Eric Roberts is in this film.
• Jason Statham beats a load of people up in a basketball court.
• Jason Statham and Sly fly around in a massive plane blowing stuff up.
• Dolph Lundgren stamps on someone’s head and calls them an insect.  It’s the funniest part of the whole film.
• There are lots of fights near the end with grin-inducing grappling moves.
• Terry Crews hogs the loudest and most extreme moment in the movie.

Reasons why it wasn’t really really really good:

• Sly and Statham’s ‘banter’.  Not only did this force us to write the word ‘banter’ but it also causes erratic bum-clenching to a degree not felt before in a mainstream movie.
• The cast member’s ‘banter’ in general.
• Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren have a fight – this should be in the bit above but the camera is flung about so wildly that it’s impossible to see what is going on.
• Almost every hand-to-hand fight scene is completely unintelligable.
• Gary Daniels is completely wasted.
• Terry Crews is completely wasted (apart from the bit above).
• Jet Li is completely wasted.
• Randy Couture is completely wasted.
• (By wasted, we don’t mean drunk.)
• THE BIT RIGHT AT THE END IS UTTERLY SHIT.

So as you can see there is exactly one more reason to watch it than there is to not watch it.  This means that you should watch it.

SO WATCH IT.

Or watch it, buddy.

Tags: bruce willis, Dolph Lundgren, gary daniels, jet li, mickey rourke, randy couture, schwarzenegger, sylvester stallone, terry crews, the expendables
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