Piranha 3D: Boobs, Blood and (fish closely related to) Bream.

Written by: gary ogden

We’ve just seen Piranha 3D and let’s just say it certainly earned its place on our Mental Films List.  We haven’t seen a film this gory in a cinema in a looong time (although we’ve got A Serbian Film this weekend), we also haven’t seen a film with this much nudity in the cinema, well, ever (although we’ve got A Serbian Film this weekend).  They certainly don’t make them like this anymore.

Although they clearly do, because they made this.

They certainly don’t usually make them like this anymore.  That’s better.

Instead of trying to tell you what the ‘plot’ is in our own words, we managed to find director Alexandre Aja’s original pitch email, so we’ve just copied and pasted it below:

Dear Dimension Films,

Bonjour!

This film will have Kelly Brook naked in it innit and also there will be piranhas.

Yours sincerely,

Alexandre Aja

P.S. It will be in 3D

P.P.S. Kelly Brook will get naked in it.

P.P.P.S. Sorry, already said that.

That’s all you really need to know.  Assuming you think that Kelly Brook being naked in a film is a reason to go and watch it.  If not, you’ve always got the piranhas.  Oh and the 3D – but that’s a bit pants.  What about Ving Rhames screaming “CHEW ON THIS MOTHERFUCKERS!!” whilst attacking fish with an outboard motor – will that swing you?

Here’s a quick rundown of the most intéressant bits:

• Richard Dreyfuss appears right at the beginning and some idiot starts laughing really loud at the front of the cinema so that everyone knows he’s seen Jaws.
• Boy gets caught looking at porn on his computer.
• Boy gets caught looking at porn on his computer again.
• SPRING BREAK!!! WHOOOOO!!
• Kelly Brook and porn-star Riley Steele do a naked underwater ballet set to classical music.  Men cross their legs.
• Many many people are eaten by piranhas in one of the bloodiest scenes in horror history.
• A man has his penis bitten off by a piranha.  Men cross their legs.
• A woman gets her face pulled off when her hair gets caught in a boat motor.  Strange looking man at back of cinema crosses his legs.
• A woman gets her bikini top sliced off by a wire.  Everyone laughs.  Then she falls in half.
• “Wuuuhheeett Teee Shuuurtt…Wuuuhheeet Teee Shuuurrtt…” = The best line in the entire film.
• Bloody great ending – sequel is a go-go.

All in all, Piranha 3D was all it promised to be and more.  It’s such a great film and will be impossible not to enjoy – because if you’re sitting in the cinema cross-armed moaning and complaining about how rubbish it is, you’re an idiot.  Precisely because you’re sitting in the cinema cross-armed moaning and complaining about a film called PIRANHA 3D.

So anyway, ‘must -see’, ‘roller-coaster ride’, ‘best aquatic horror since Jaws‘, ‘if you see one film this summer, make sure this is it’, ‘feel-good hit of the year’, ‘Jennifer Aniston is back on form’ etc etc etc.

It’s out in cinemas now.

Tags: alexandre aja, kelly brook, Piranha 3D, riley steele
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