Real Steel was pretty shit

Real Steel: Wolverine vs. The Robots

You’ll probably have seen the posters and trailers for Real Steel, and you may even remember us telling you it was a film to look forward to in 2011 – either way, we’re sure you laughed when you realised it was about boxing robots. We did.

Well, we’ve seen it now and I suppose it’s time we apologised for telling you to look forward to it.

SORRY.

Let’s tell you why we’re apologising:

[There'll be a few very minor spoilers in this review so get your tissues out crybaby]

The plot of Real Steel concerns Charlie, a retired boxer played by Wolverine who makes his living travelling around the country with his robot and making it punch bulls in the face. Good start. Then his really annoying estranged son gets dropped on his doorstep and starts being a little twat – this initially winds Wolverine up a jot, but eventually he grits his teeth and decides to put up with him. So they travel around a bit together with a new robot they’ve just bought, enter him into fights and have arguments about hamburgers. It’s all very tense between the two of them and the kid is really irritating but hey, at least no more bulls are getting punched in the face anymore.

Then in what must be the most ludicrous sequence of the year, the kid falls down a HUGE SINK HOLE AND SLIDES DOWN A SODDING CLIFF FACE but don’t worry he’s ok because there was a robot hand sticking out over the precipice and it got caught on his soaking wet sweater. So obviously, instead of absolutely utterly crapping his pants and never going near a hole or stepping on a crack in the pavement ever again like a normal kid would, he gets in an argument with Wolverine (not about hamburgers this time) and starts trying to dig the robot out of the cliff. In short, he thinks it would be a good idea to keep the buried robot and teach it how to box.

So following the most ludicrous sequence of the year, we then have the most ludicrous suspension of disbelief of the year, as 5 minutes later the boy appears over the hill with the 3 tonne robot in a cart. You know, the one that was buried in the side of a cliff? Yeah that one. Well, he’s DUG IT OUT AND CARRIED IT UP THE GIANT SOAKING WET MUD SLIDE AND OUT OF THE SINK HOLE BY HIMSELF. Films with kids in are wicked.

Anyway, he trains it and dances with it (these scenes will annihilate your arse clenching muscles) and enters it into some boxing competitions. Basically, join the dots – there’s loads of fights then a big one at the end.

Luckily, these fights are properly good – whamming, bamming, crashing and whalloping their way about the screen like a bunch of RoboRockys. They’re exhilarating, perfectly rendered and at points, genuinely difficult to second-guess – which makes them pretty much the only reason to watch the film. Everything else is so clichéd and stupid, that you’ll almost definitely find yourself passing time fiddling with bogeys or playing pocket billiards until the next fight comes along.

The actors don’t help things either. Wolverine is good as usual, but Dakota Goyo as the breakdancing little shit, is unbearable. He clearly attended the ‘Dakota Fanning and Haley Joel Osment ‘How To Not Act Like A Child’ School of Child Actors’ – his cocky mannerisms and ludicrous fearlessness make him a character you’re not likely to want to spend two hours with. Remember that time when you were a kid and that massive psycho nutcase with a mohican threatened you and your Dad? Yeah, well remember when you squared up to him even though you were just a weedy kid? Yeah remember that time?

Oh no you don’t because it didn’t happen ever in the history of the world to anyone.

And lastly ~~but not~~ and leastly, is Evangeline Lilly. Evangeline SILLY more like. She’s so contrived it hurts – her overacting and affected expressions belong in a soap opera. At one point she even says, “Go get ‘em, Charlie!” At no point does anybody even ask her why she’s acting like a dickhead.

Overall, Real Steel was a massive let down, particularly when considering the talent involved – we suggest you wait until the DVD, then skip through all the shit and just watch the punching robots. The punching robots are wicked.

I LOVE PUNCHING ROBOTS.

Not actually punching them, that always ends in tears.

Speaking of tears – it’s quite possible that no matter how much you may dislike the film, you’ll probably find it quite hard to fight back the tears at the climax. It’s pretty rousing stuff and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I got myself all tangled up in its heart-string-tugging and almost succumbed to tears of ACTUAL GENUINE JOY. Didn’t though so gutted. You might though.

It’s out in cinemas 14th October.