We've seen The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)

A Nice Evening Out To See The Human Centipede II

We’ve finally seen The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence). It certainly took its time to get to the screen – first it was banned outright, then after months of to-ing and fro-ing between Tom Six and the BBFC it was finally granted an 18, albeit with a whopping 32 cuts.

DON’T WORRY YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEADS ABOUT THAT THOUGH, IT’S STILL BLOODY REVOLTING.

We sincerely doubt that reinstating the cuts (such things as forced turd eating, teeth removal and barbed-wire sodomy) would have made a jot of difference, for at around the 1 hour 15 minutes mark, the film has pummelled so much crap into your eyes, you’re unlikely to be shocked by anything left to come.

Thanks to the BBFC though for removing the sandpaper wanking scene – when I first saw that on screen a few years ago I went straight home and did it myself. You wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone else – it’s not as fun as it looks in the movies.

Either way, the sequel is a long way from the family-friendly whimsy of the first film – this time it’s relentlessly disgusting to an extent many of you won’t have seen before, unless of course you saw I Don’t Know How She Does It. Still, amidst all the knee-cap surgery and shit-eating, there’s a mangled corpse of what could have been a great film.

Firstly, the guy playing the main character, Martin, is excellent – he says hardly a word, restricting himself to grunts and high-pitched squeals, but he’s absolutely terrifying. The early build-up scenes with him are the most successful, with some confrontational sequences between him and his mad Mum proving blackly hilarious.

There are a few other fine performances in there too – Ashlynn Yennie (the arse end of the original centipede) returns, playing herself (and once more a segment of a human centipede), and puts in a knowing performance that lends a needed bit of humour to the proceedings. Also, the woman at the end of the centipede does a really amazing projectile shit on the wall – try asking De Niro to do that.

On the downside, some of the acting is straight out of a student production (wish they’d done stuff like that at Uni), with an early argument between a couple setting a worrying precedent for the rest of the film that is thankfully, proved wrong. There’s also some pretty awful “For fahks sayk I was jast dahn the pahb wen next fing I know my faahkin moufs stuck to sam cant’s rear end mayt” faux cockney bollocks thrown in by Six, whose stereotypical perception of London rears its ugly head now and again.

It’s a bit of a shame because The Human Centipede II could have been so much better – at one point you think that Six might be throwing two fingers up at the BBFC by going all human meta-pede on us with the whole ‘nutcase only does this because he’s watched the first film’ angle. He runs with it for a bit, but then flushes it down the bog to make way for a closing 30 minutes comprising as many stomach-churning images as is humanly possible (just ask the BBFC) – a move which dispenses with any social comment and merely ends up a bit childish. He might as well have just stopped the film half-way through and had the rest of it just consist of a close up of an anus dropping fresh dung into a giant chomping mouth – it would have had the same effect. Probably would have been funnier too.

Either way, no matter what we say about it, you’re probably going to go and see it anyway – the only thing that’ll stop people seeing it would be if we said it wasn’t actually that gross.

But we’d be lying.

Basically, see it if you liked 2 Girls One Cup.

It’s out in cinemas 4th November

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