From Trig’s creator

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The Popbitch book is perfect for summer reading.
A cheeky guide to the 21st century, including jokes,
puzzles, board game, proper features, mucky stuff,
& photos of an 80s Northern songstress "ice-docking"
http://tinyurl.com/6xplmb
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"People think I'm crazy but I'll just drop down
and do press-ups or leg-lifts" - Lindsay Lohan

"Now we're coming back stronger, tighter
and happier" - Duncan from Blue
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POPBITCH           _     _ _
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| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_|         |_|  02.06.09 ISSUE 454
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com

* What a feline! Cat uses chopsticks
* Michael Jackson - mad professor
* Charts: Michael Jackson is number one
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       >> I'm forever stitching hammers  <<
       "Judas" Cole and the five grand wedding suits

   Joe Cole bought a beautiful bespoke suit for
   his wedding. Unfortunately for Joe someone
   involved in stitching up his suit rather likes
   West Ham, the club Cole ditched to join
   Chelsea. He still had a bit of a grudge about
   Cole leaving the Hammers.

   So it's possible, if Joe w to look at
   the lining the jacket, that there might
   be a full West Ham insignia chalked on it,
   complete with a few choice words, several
   of which were "Judas".

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Russia’s scary energy giant Gazprom has signed a
$2.5bn deal with Nigeria’s state operated NNPC, to
invest in a new joint venture. Called Nigaz.
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       >> They don't care about us <<
       Brazilian TV pays its respects to MJ

   Channel 4's Big Brother commentary intoned
   very seriously last Friday that the housemates
   were not being told that Michael Jackson had
   died. Brazilian TV programme Fazenda (think
   Celebrity Big Brother meets The Farm) dealt
   with the news in a slightly different way.
   Last Friday the contestants were told
   to dress up as Michael Jackson and have a
   competition to see who could dance the most
   like him. They all really went for it.
   Viewers described it as "stomach-
   churning". And did the producers inform
   the hapless housemates about Jacko's
   unfortunate demise? Um, no.

FYI: I had two cans of Pepsi, a bottle of 7Up, a litre
of Dr Pepper and 4 large cokes yesterday.
I am now, undisputedly, the new King Of Pop.

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There are lifesize cardboard cut-outs of Brad Pitt
dressed as a police officer all around Omsk, to
help stop cars speeding.
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       >> Big Questions <<
       What people are asking this week

   Partygoers celebrating with which controversial
   footballer noticed that he kept disappearing
   from the crowd to the toilets with his brother
   for a couple of minutes at a time? And
   while many of his team-mates started flagging
   this star managed to stay up partying til 10am.

   Which heavily-hyped 2009 pop star found
   herself face-to-face with a Brit singer
   she'd been slagging off in the press? She was
   seen being bundled into a cab two minutes later
   to try to avoid any confrontation.

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 Cat Deeley has seen Pretty Woman more than 20 times.
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       >> Chequemate <<
       Taking a leaf from Jacko's book

   We reminded you a few weeks back of a time
   when Michael Jackson cancelled a concert,
   which would potentially have lost him
   millions in refunds. So he sent a refund
   cheque to each fan, with his official
   signature on it, ensuring that
   rather than cash the cheque, almost every
   fan kept it as a special memento.

   We might inadvertently have inspired AEG.
   Faced with potential losses on Jackson's
   O2 dates, fans who bought tickets are being
   offered not only a refund, but the chance
   to keep the ticket as a souvenir instead.
   The ticket apparently features graphics
   "inspired and designed" by Jackson.

*****************************************************
Ministry of Sound's James Palumbo has just launched
his brilliantly sinister debut novel, Tomas. Check
out this incredible animation -"champagne-fuelled
jungle" as a bit of a teaser to the story:
http://www.tomas-book.com/shittv.html
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       >> Jackson Bollox  <<
       Our favourite Michael Jackson cash-ins

   3rd place: Thriller, The Musical - released
   a 100,000 extra tickets last Friday, so fans
   could pay their respects.

   2nd Place: Borkowski PR, with the worst excuse
   for cancelling a party, ever.
   "Unfortunately the launch party of The Nod
   website, due to take place on Wed 1st July
   has been cancelled. Following the sad news
   of Michael Jackson's death, The Nod team and
   their celebrity guests do not feel the time is
   fitting to host a party, as a mark of respect."

   1st place: OK! Magazine (the tribute issue
   with the 300k photo of a just-about dead MJ
   on the cover)
   OK: "To commemorate the sudden and tragic
   death of Michael Jackson" a free DVD for
   every reader...
   "But that's not all: you can also buy four
   more fantastic DVDS looking at the life of
   other pop icons including Madonna, Kate Bush,
   David Bowie and Bruce Springsteen..."

* FYI: A better class of cash-in - commemorate
Michael's life with a t-shirt, inc No Squeaks MF,
Bubbles and I Can't Believe it's not Duck Butter!
http://tinyurl.com/ksklwl

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Glastonbury spot: Tony Benn dancing to reggae in a
jerk chicken food tent.
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       >> Gaysorlight's wine-off <<
       New World v old white burgundy

   Razorlight are famous for their intra-band
   tiffs but still keep together. This summer
   see the band demanding two dressing rooms;
   one for the band and one for Jonny Borrell.
   Perhaps the band's rift can be blamed on
   diverging wine tastes*? The band ask for
   "New World Wine", including "at least one
   Cabernet". Jonny on the other hand is old-skool;
   only "a good white burgundy" and a "good
   Chateauneuf-du-Pape".

* FYI: Probably not.

FYI 2: Jonny Borrell was brought in to help
write Florence and the Machine's album.

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Popbitch's favourite Rotary Club Chairman?
NYC's David Wankoff.
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       >> Patently Wacko <<
       The maddest of all professors

   Of all the things that we have found out in light
   of Michael Jackson's death, the most surprising
   we heard was that Wacko was an inventor.

   Michael Jackson held a patent with the US
   Patents and Trademark Office - No. 5,255,452.
   It was for special shoes that allowed him and his
   dancers to recreate the Smooth Criminal anti-
   gravity lean live on stage.

Take a look:
http://tinyurl.com/hxau8

Smooth Criminal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ex30DYwQlHU

Sakis Rouvas - heir to the King Of Pop's throne?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnAJjXuY5YM

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Donna Matthews, formerly of Elastica, is now
head of the Christian Union at Dartington College
of Music and Arts.
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       >> What A Feline! <<
       Pussy video in memory of Mrs Slocombe

   You may remember we said a few months ago
   that music legend Charles Mingus managed to
   train his cat Nightlife to sit on the shitter
   and piss like a person.

   If he hadn't been quite so busy recording
   seminal works of jazz and campaigning
   tirelessly for racial equality, he might
   have been able to get Nightlife to do what
   this mad lady has done with her cat. Sit
   at the dinner table and eat with a fork:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypMl2RFTC9Y

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There was a Michael Jackson Memorial party in Tehran
this weekend. About 50 people attended, including one
person who painted themself half black and half white.
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       >> Killers' pants mystery  <<
       All these things that I've done

   The Killers' 2009 tour rider contains the
   following odd request:

   "(3) Pairs of Mens Briefs Underwear (Size 32)".

   Given that The Killers' are a four-piece band,
   wonder if this means that one of the band gets
   left out? Or if just one bandmember (given
   all three pairs are the same size) needs
   three pairs of pants for a gig?

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Best bit of BBC's Glastonbury coverage? The camera
panning in on the crowd watching Blur, and settling
on a guy in brown shorts, sitting on his mate's
shoulder. With a large piss stain around his nads.
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       >> Handed Down's from Heaven <<
       Trig's creator gets busy with a blackberry

   We've missed Sarah Palin being in the news
   every day, so were thrilled to see Vanity
   Fair's article on her yesterday. Not least
   because it contained this:

   "When Trig was born, Palin wrote an e-mail
   letter to friends and relatives, describing
   the belated news of her pregnancy and
   detailing Trig’s condition; she wrote the
   e-mail not in her own name but in God’s,
   and signed it “Trig’s Creator,
   Your Heavenly Father.”

Full article:
http://tinyurl.com/mg3r9y

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Shaun Ryder is the only person mentioned by name
in the Channel 4 Official Compliance manual.
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       >> Crazy Little Party Boy <<
       Poor Aaron Carter's lost it

   Since the passing of his dear friend Michael
   Jackson (who once bought him a Bentley), Aaron
   Carter seems to have gone into meltdown and is
   now determined to rid the world of disease
   and suffering.

   He tweets:
   2:46pm -  THE FIRST THING I WANT TO
   DO IS HELP FIND A CURE FOR AIDS!

   2.47pm - I WILL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE
   SEARCHING FOR ANSWER'S FOR MANY
   DIFFERENT REASON'S,THERE IS A LUPUS
   WALK IN NEW YORK THAT I WILL START WITH

   2.50pm - I HEARD ONE OF THE JONAS
   BROTHER'S  HAS DIABETES AND ONE OF
   THEM WENT TO THE GOVERMENT TO VOICE
   HIS  OPINION... NOW THAT'S WHAT I MEAN!  

   3.06pm - STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! I
   WRITE IN CAPS FOR A SPECIFIC AUTISTIC
   PERSON!  LEAVE IT ALONE! I WILL NOT CHANGE
   FOR ANYONE

   AIDS, lupus, diabetes and autism.
   All in 20 minutes.

Plenty more where that came from -
http://twitter.com/aaroncarter7

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Aaron Carter's worryingly titled tribute to MJ -
"I'll Follow You To Heaven" - is online. Hear it:
http://bbltwt.com/2a3jk
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       >> Things that make you go hmm <<
       Geek celebs, otters, personality disorders

   Guide to 80s sax solos:
http://imacomputa.org/sax/

   Looking for a place to live?  Renting out a room
   in your place?  Speedflatmating's Flatmate
   Parties held across London are the perfect way
   to meet loads of potential new flatmates
   in a relaxed environment:
http://SpeedFlatmating.co.uk/pop

   How to be a comic book celebrity:
http://tinyurl.com/n6ustq

   Soviet album covers:
http://englishrussia.com/?p=2998

   Pixie Lott and the clap:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFitkxdomI0

   How British is Andy Murray? Bet:
http://www.andymurrayometer.com/indexx.html

   Otter twins:
http://tinyurl.com/l3umcm

   Legendary video games with lego:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhkR-vHXO28

   Six personality disorders caused by the internet:
http://tinyurl.com/mpxbe6

   Comedy makers Pozzitive have launched their
   own YouTube comedy channel to share their best
   clips with fans. See the best of Coogan's Run,
   John Sessions, Paul Merton etc...
http://www.youtube.com/pozzitivecomedy

     >> UK Top 40 <<
     We predict this week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number One
MICHAEL JACKSON Man In The Mirror

++ Top Ten
CASCADA Evacuate The Dancefloor

++ Top Twenty
JAMIE T

****************************************************
Thanks to: SW, AM, CL, LT, LM, majorbloodnok,
richjohnston, scoundrel,  opus, arseface, honk
lambanana, deep_stoat, onthehushhush, mrzipski,
deep_stoat, fo_shizzle, C, lapper

Can anyone help us - we keep reading that Thriller
has sold 109m albums and MJ 750m albums. But
when we add up all Thriller's worldwide sales we
can't get above around 60m. And re total album
sales - Thriller 109 + Dangerous 32 + Bad 30 +
Off the Wall 20 + History 20 (but could count
double as double album so 40) + Jackson 5 60m
So he's sold 459 million compilations? (But
no other album is listed as having sold 20m+.)
Any ideas? hello@popbitch.com
*****************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
Q. What is Osama Bin Laden's favourite dessert?
A. Terrormisu.

Still Bored:
NERD are playing at Lovebox in Victoria Park
(18-19 July), along with New York Dolls, Doves,
Friendly Fires etc. Email hello@popbitch.com
the answer to this question to win a pair of
VIP tickets: If Pharrell Williams was to be
reincarnated as a super hero, who would
he want to be?
More: http://www.lovebox.net T&C:
http://www.dourfestival.be/en/

Tags: popbitch mail