Smokey’s Choice
November 19, 2008 – 6:52 pm -"If I could edit my past I'd get rid of all
the commas" - Peter Carey
"I'm Stacey from Dagenham, I like gherkins."
- Stacey Solomon
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POPBITCH _ _ _
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|_| |_| 04.03.10 ISSUE 488
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To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com
* Mini-Oscars special: Smokey's choice
* Polar bear testicle shrinkage
* Charts: Tiny Tempah is number one
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>> The world is your Oyster <<
Well, the Guardian offices at least
Want to wander round the Guardian's new
super-posh, super-techie new offices but without
security clearance? Why, you can use your
Oyster Card. We're told it gets you through
about 70% of the gates and entry points.
Even better, you don't get charged a fare,
despite it being in zone 1.
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An anagram of Kristian Digby = Risk Dying A Bit.
(In USA there is more than one death per day
from auto-erotic asphyixiation.
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>> Let's go round again <<
How pop is eating itself
Pop music seems to be suffering from a strange
bout of amnesia at the minute.
Gramaphonedzie is currently climbing the charts,
far outselling the nation’s sweetheart Cheryl Cole,
and the Boyzone/Stephen Gateley single. But
surely everybody hated Doop the first time round –
and this is what this track sounds like. So how
is it possible that there’s another Charleston-
sounding club hit hitting the top five?
Then Wiley (feat Emeli Sande) have sampled White
Town's Your Woman – a song that was already based
around a sample itself – and have managed to
outsell even Gramaphonedzie.
The worst offender we’ve heard in recent months,
though, is Karmah. Taking two samples from two
separate songs that had already been revived by
being sampled to appalling effect in the 90s
(Just Be Good To Me and Every Breath You Take)
and obviously influenced more by Beats
International and Puff Daddy than they were by The
SOS Band and The Police, the resulting song is like
the lumbering, tone-deaf monster of Frankenstein.
Listen:
http://bit.ly/aEkOsC
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Paul Gascoigne makes lots of cups of tea for everyone
at the Priory.
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>> On the Lash <<
Afghanistan's silent Vegas
Journalists going to cover the Afghanistan war
have been wondering why military personnel
seem to have been shunning them. Well, it's not
personal. The journos photos are put up on a wall
so everyone knows which ones they are, and
therefore not to say anything in front of them.
FYI: Lashkar Gar is known as Lash Vegas
to the troops, thanks to the relative
comfort of the camp.
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Michael Sheen thinks a baboon would beat a badger in
a fight. "They throw their shit about, don't they,
baboons? Yeah, I think baboon. You can be as vicious
as you like, there's not a lot you can do if you've
got shit in your eye."
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>> Twit for twat <<
The Allen-Love feud goes front page
The Guardian is a very brave newspaper. It
seems to have put itself right in the middle
of the Lily Allen - Courtney Love Twitter feud.
Lily was the newspaper's, ahem, surprise choice
to be the front-page analyst of the BBC's
future strategy, yesterday. But we wonder if
she'd have done it if she knew that Courtney
Love was flavour of the week before her? The
pair have been enjoying a Twitter spat which
seems to have started over a dress. Last
week Love co-chaired the paper's daily
editorial conference. In fact Courtney seemed to
be under the mistaken belief at first that she
had been brought in to guest edit the paper.
As we haven't seen any mention of Love's input
in the Guardian it can only be that they didn't
want to upset their newer star columnist, as
surely otherwise surely they'd be shouting from
the rooftop about an off-with-the-fairies, early
90s music icon helping their journalists out.
See Courtney in the chair:
http://bit.ly/b5Po8s
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In early INXS days, Michael Hutchence used to like
calling himself Fabien Sparkle.
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*********** Oscars mini-special **********************
>> Oscartime <<
Smokey's choice
We asked Psychic Wilbur to predict this year's
Oscar winners for us. But it might have been
too much for the cat. He got sick. "He's
been weeing everywhere" - his carer told us.
But sadly, not weeing in the direction of any Oscar
names. Instead Smokey The Rabbit stepped up.
Smokey is predicting a big win all round for
The Hurt Locker. (His sidekick, Petra, has
gone for an upset in Best Actor category)
Do you think you know more than a rabbit? Or
perhaps you want to put your money
where the carrot is.
Watch Smokey predict best film and
Smokey and Petra predict Best Actor
http://bit.ly/c2pHza
Open an account with Paddy Power and get a free bet.
The director Bigelow/Hurt Locker film double header
(Smokey's choice) is 11/10:
http://bit.ly/diw29K
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Tinto Brass, director of such skin-flicks as Caligula
and All Ladies Do It, has been inspired by Avatar,
and has said he’s going to make a 3D porno.
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>> Big Questions <<
Which Oscar noms are we talking about this week
Which nominee is known for klepto tendencies
on some film sets?
Which nominee is less gay than you'd think? They
annoyed their London hotel minders by inviting
a different girl to their suite (and sometimes
more than one) on a film junket.
Which nominee's plastic surgery is the subject
of much laughter at this week's pre-Oscar parties?
Which nominee spent part of the 90s as a
smacked-out recluse, enjoying heroin-fuelled
threesomes with a film director and actress?
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Spod writes "An anagram of Meg Ryan is Germany. If you
do actors next week, don't miss Mel Gibson: big melons."
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>> The Snow must go on <<
Rob Lowe and other great Oscar moments
This year's Oscars are on Sunday night, and
producers have vowed to keep things running
smoothly. Luckily this hasn't always happened.
* Best Original Song - Isaac Hayes' Shaft is
probably the best original song, but most historic
moment came when the Academy finally recognised how
hard it was out there for a pimp, and gave the Oscar
to Three 6 Mafia in 2006.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9j2wTR49E
* It's not the Oscars unless there's at least one
shot of Jack Nicholson treating the cameras to his
trademark grin from the front row, often complete
with a pair of pitch black sunglasses.
* Rob Lowe and Snow White. That sounds
like a good idea doesn't it? Well, no, not
really. But Snow White did join Rob in a cringe-
inducing version of Tina Turner's Proud Mary
in 1989 (about 4'30" in)
* In 1974, the thing that everyone had been waiting
for happened - a naked man streaked the Oscars.
David Niven - the co-host that evening merely
smiled and announced "The only laugh that man will
ever get in his life is by stripping off and
showing his shortcomings".
(Odds on it happening this year? 100-1.)
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Pixie Geldof wants to be a pop star, and has got
herself looked after by Empire management
(The Bedingfields, Dolly Rockers etc)
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>> Out of the loop <<
And into the youtube out-takes
Popbitch is is almost up for an Oscar this year.
Well, that might be stretching it. But In the
Loop is up for an Oscar. And we were almost in
it. Well, we were in a bit that got cut:
"Look just tell us, what do you want
us to do?" - Olly/Toby
"Go back to sitting around on your arse all day,
drinking lemon zinger and reading Popbitch." - Jamie
Watch:
http://bit.ly/cT9lZG
FYI: Other things you might want to bet on:
* An actor/actress to say the words "Tiger Woods"
in their acceptance speech (10-1)
* Inglourious Basterds to win best picture (14-1)
the Miramax campaign is the talk of Hollywood this week
* Armani to design best actress dress. Everyone
wearing McQueen is just too ghastly to imagine (16-1)
http://bit.ly/diw29K
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There are 10,297 balloons in Up, supposedly.
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*********** End Oscars special ***********************
>> Say sorry to a star <<
What's up doctor, doctor?
stan_ogdens_nutgone_flake writes:
"Some years ago we lived next door, in Auckland,
to Thompson Twins' chanteuse Alannah Currie.
She used to let her pet rabbit run wild and it
kept eating all the flowers in our garden. We
got fed up with this after a while so one day
drove it out into the country and set it free.
Sorry Alannah, if you ever wondered what
happened to your rabbit."
Need to ask for forgiveness from a celebrity?
hello@popbitch.com
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Our favourite celebrity Facebook update of the week:
Chesney Hawkes attacked by a ginger cat
in his back garden.
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>> Brotherly love <<
Mark Rylance plays trick in Globe
whatever_yeah writes:
"I was a volunteer at The Globe when Mark
Rylance was artistic director. One night some
cast members joined the volunteers to work.
Mark Rylance was posted on the programme
stall with me.
"During the interval an American man came
up to Mark and excitedly shook his hand,
saying, "You're Mark Ry-lance, aren't you?
God I love you!" Mark replied: "Oh no, I'm
not. I'm his brother." He gave me a look and
I quickly turned away but managed to keep a
straight face. He strung the guy along with a
made up story of how he sometimes volunteered
but his 'brother' was the one in the limelight.
"At a lunch the next day Mark told everyone
what had happened, asking if 'the girl' was
around. I went bright red as he thanked me for
keeping schtum. So thank you Mark, you're a
nice bloke."
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The Economist has a smaller percentage of female
readers than does Playboy.
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>> The wisdom of pop stars <<
Keith from Boyzone gets philosophical
OK magazine: "Did losing Stephen bring you
closer together as men?"
Keith Duffy: "Boyzone is escapism - it's our
own world. But when Stephen died, our dream world
was penetrated. But I think it's like body building
- when you rip that muscle, you need to repair
it and when you do it's bigger and stronger."
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We're told that Pimlico is the only underground
station without a letter from the word 'badger' in it.
(If anyone has checked this, hello@popbitch.com)
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>> Popbits <<
Stuff to do in March
1. Go see Laura Solon, in honour of Smokey The
Rabbit. Her show Rabbit Faced Story Soup is based
around a stuffed rabbit. We've heard good things.
She's in London on Sunday, 7th: http://bit.ly/bGtEYo
And on national tour: http://www.laurasolon.com/live/
2. Or if that's not your thing, try The Party.
Four young idealists decide to form a new political
party to save the world from itself. Small minds
tackling big issues. With Edinburgh Comedy Award
winner Tim Key, at The Arts Theatre. £10 tickets til
Sat 6 March: call 0845 017 5584 and quote CAMPAIGN
offer or book here: http://www.artstheatrewestend.com
3. And if that's not your thing, surely Jerry
Sadowitz is and he's playing Leicester Square Theatre
in March: http://bit.ly/9XcHsF
4. And if you don't want to go to any kind of show
but you do fancy quizzing next week with us -
The Player, Soho on Tuesday and The East Room,
Wednesday. 7pm start, fiver entry, teams of up to 4.
Tom Webb to hos and for table availability contact
rochelle@popbitchpopquiz.com or 07931 359 499
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The average adult polar bear testicles have been
shrinking: they now measure only about three inches
across and weigh about 1.8 ounces.
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>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Muppets, Korean schoolgirls, Jewish Narnia
"Knut should be castrated". (Nicely written piece
by our favourite German correspondent, Roger Boyes):
http://bit.ly/cr8cVw
Kennedy assassination clothes put in exhibition.
Spokesman shocked that Kennedy family perturbed:
http://bit.ly/aSHPvM
Ever wanted to see a remake of the Wicker Man
starring the muppets?
http://bit.ly/d63wp7
Is there a Jewish Narnia:
http://bit.ly/cNWDUB
Korean schoolgirls dance in class. Awesome:
http://bit.ly/bupErZ
>> UK Top 40 <<
This week's new entries/high climbers predictions
Number One
TINY TEMPAH Pass Out
Top Ten
NAUGHTY BOYS FT WILEY Never Be Your Woman
GRAMAPHONEDZIE Why Don't You
BOYZONE Gave It All Away
Top Twenty
DAISY DARES YOU Number One Enemy
Top Forty
MARY J BLIGE I AM
GLEE CAST Defying Gravity
>> End Bit <<
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**************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, AM, SW, NF, monstris, AM,
jacques_as_in_hattie, richjohnston, ulysses, GO,
too_fat_to_skate, rubbishlogin, Fake Daniels,
DG, dude, glitterkitty, kerching
Oscars: thanks to GO for the Oscars info,
LM and CL for the editing and Smokey and Petra.
Congrats on winning the JK autobiog: J, GC, FK
**************************************************
Old Jokes Home:
I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week.
It was OK. Nothing to write home about.
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