"There may be more Popbitch and less Heat magazine" - The Spectator

Smokey’s Choice

November 19, 2008 – 6:52 pm -

"If I could edit my past I'd get rid of all
the commas" - Peter Carey

"I'm Stacey from Dagenham, I like gherkins."
- Stacey Solomon
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|_|         |_|  04.03.10 ISSUE 488
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To send us stories Email: hello@popbitch.com

* Mini-Oscars special: Smokey's choice
* Polar bear testicle shrinkage
* Charts: Tiny Tempah is number one
------------------------------------------------------

       >> The world is your Oyster <<
       Well, the Guardian offices at least

   Want to wander round the Guardian's new
   super-posh, super-techie new offices but without
   security clearance? Why, you can use your
   Oyster Card. We're told it gets you through
   about 70% of the gates and entry points.

   Even better, you don't get charged a fare,
   despite it being in zone 1.

------------------------------------------------------
An anagram of Kristian Digby = Risk Dying A Bit.
(In USA there is more than one death per day
from auto-erotic asphyixiation.
------------------------------------------------------

       >> Let's go round again <<
       How pop is eating itself

   Pop music seems to be suffering from a strange
   bout of amnesia at the minute.

   Gramaphonedzie is currently climbing the charts,
   far outselling the nation’s sweetheart Cheryl Cole,
   and the Boyzone/Stephen Gateley single.  But
   surely everybody hated Doop the first time round –
   and this is what this track sounds like. So how
   is it possible that there’s another Charleston-
   sounding club hit hitting the top five?

   Then Wiley (feat Emeli Sande) have sampled White
   Town's Your Woman – a song that was already based
   around a sample itself – and have managed to
   outsell even Gramaphonedzie.

   The worst offender we’ve heard in recent months,
   though, is Karmah. Taking two samples from two
   separate songs that had already been revived by
   being sampled to appalling effect in the 90s
   (Just Be Good To Me and Every Breath You Take)
   and obviously influenced more by Beats
   International and Puff Daddy than they were by The
   SOS Band and The Police, the resulting song is like
   the lumbering, tone-deaf monster of Frankenstein.

Listen:

http://bit.ly/aEkOsC

------------------------------------------------------
Paul Gascoigne makes lots of cups of tea for everyone
at the Priory.
------------------------------------------------------

       >> On the Lash <<
       Afghanistan's silent Vegas

   Journalists going to cover the Afghanistan war
   have been wondering why military personnel
   seem to have been shunning them. Well, it's not
   personal. The journos photos are put up on a wall
   so everyone knows which ones they are, and
   therefore not to say anything in front of them.

   FYI: Lashkar Gar is known as Lash Vegas
   to the troops, thanks to the relative
   comfort of the camp.

------------------------------------------------------
Michael Sheen thinks a baboon would beat a badger in
a fight. "They throw their shit about, don't they,
baboons? Yeah, I think baboon. You can be as vicious
as you like, there's not a lot you can do if you've
got shit in your eye."
------------------------------------------------------

       >> Twit for twat <<
       The Allen-Love feud goes front page

   The Guardian is a very brave newspaper. It
   seems to have put itself right in the middle
   of the Lily Allen - Courtney Love Twitter feud.

   Lily was the newspaper's, ahem, surprise choice
   to be the front-page analyst of the BBC's
   future strategy, yesterday. But we wonder if
   she'd have done it if she knew that Courtney
   Love was flavour of the week before her? The
   pair have been enjoying a Twitter spat which
   seems to have started over a dress. Last
   week Love co-chaired the paper's daily
   editorial conference. In fact Courtney seemed to
   be under the mistaken belief at first that she
   had been brought in to guest edit the paper.
   As we haven't seen any mention of Love's input
   in the Guardian it can only be that they didn't
   want to upset their newer star columnist, as
   surely otherwise surely they'd be shouting from
   the rooftop about an off-with-the-fairies, early
   90s music icon helping their journalists out.

See Courtney in the chair:

http://bit.ly/b5Po8s

------------------------------------------------------
In early INXS days, Michael Hutchence used to like
calling himself Fabien Sparkle.
------------------------------------------------------

*********** Oscars mini-special **********************

       >> Oscartime  <<
       Smokey's choice

   We asked Psychic Wilbur to predict this year's
   Oscar winners for us. But it might have been
   too much for the cat. He got sick. "He's
   been weeing everywhere" - his carer told us.
   But sadly, not weeing in the direction of any Oscar
   names. Instead Smokey The Rabbit stepped up.
   Smokey is predicting a big win all round for
   The Hurt Locker. (His sidekick, Petra, has
   gone for an upset in Best Actor category)
   Do you think you know more than a rabbit? Or
   perhaps you want to put your money
   where the carrot is.

Watch Smokey predict best film and
Smokey and Petra predict Best Actor

http://bit.ly/c2pHza

Open an account with Paddy Power and get a free bet.
The director Bigelow/Hurt Locker film double header
(Smokey's choice) is 11/10:

http://bit.ly/diw29K

------------------------------------------------------
Tinto Brass, director of such skin-flicks as Caligula
and All Ladies Do It, has been inspired by Avatar,
and has said he’s going to make a 3D porno.
------------------------------------------------------

       >> Big Questions <<
       Which Oscar noms are we talking about this week

   Which nominee is known for klepto tendencies
   on some film sets?

   Which nominee is less gay than you'd think? They
   annoyed their London hotel minders by inviting
   a different girl to their suite (and sometimes
   more than one) on a film junket.

   Which nominee's plastic surgery is the subject
   of much laughter at this week's pre-Oscar parties?

   Which nominee spent part of the 90s as a
   smacked-out recluse, enjoying heroin-fuelled
   threesomes with a film director and actress?

------------------------------------------------------
Spod writes "An anagram of Meg Ryan is Germany. If you
do actors next week, don't miss Mel Gibson: big melons."
------------------------------------------------------

       >> The Snow must go on  <<
       Rob Lowe and other great Oscar moments

   This year's Oscars are on Sunday night, and
   producers have vowed to keep things running
   smoothly. Luckily this hasn't always happened.

   * Best Original Song - Isaac Hayes' Shaft is
   probably the best original song, but most historic
   moment came when the Academy finally recognised how
   hard it was out there for a pimp, and gave the Oscar
   to Three 6 Mafia in 2006.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9j2wTR49E

    * It's not the Oscars unless there's at least one
    shot of Jack Nicholson treating the cameras to his
    trademark grin from the front row, often complete
    with a pair of pitch black sunglasses.

    * Rob Lowe and Snow White.  That sounds
    like a good idea doesn't it?  Well, no, not
    really. But Snow White did join Rob in a cringe-
    inducing version of Tina Turner's Proud Mary
    in 1989 (about 4'30" in)



    * In 1974, the thing that everyone had been waiting
    for happened - a naked man streaked the Oscars.
    David Niven - the co-host that evening merely
    smiled and announced "The only laugh that man will
    ever get in his life is by stripping off and
    showing his shortcomings".
    (Odds on it happening this year? 100-1.)

------------------------------------------------------
Pixie Geldof wants to be a pop star, and has got
herself looked after by Empire management
(The Bedingfields, Dolly Rockers etc)
------------------------------------------------------

       >> Out of the loop <<
       And into the youtube out-takes

   Popbitch is is almost up for an Oscar this year.
   Well, that might be stretching it. But In the
   Loop is up for an Oscar. And we were almost in
   it. Well, we were in a bit that got cut:

   "Look just tell us, what do you want
   us to do?" - Olly/Toby
   "Go back to sitting around on your arse all day,
   drinking lemon zinger and reading Popbitch." - Jamie

Watch:

http://bit.ly/cT9lZG

FYI: Other things you might want to bet on:
* An actor/actress to say the words "Tiger Woods"
in their acceptance speech (10-1)
* Inglourious Basterds  to win best picture (14-1)
the Miramax campaign is the talk of Hollywood this week
* Armani to design best actress dress. Everyone
wearing McQueen is just too ghastly to imagine (16-1)

http://bit.ly/diw29K

------------------------------------------------------
There are 10,297 balloons in Up, supposedly.
------------------------------------------------------

*********** End Oscars special ***********************

       >> Say sorry to a star <<
       What's up doctor, doctor?

stan_ogdens_nutgone_flake writes:
    "Some years ago we lived next door, in Auckland,
    to Thompson Twins' chanteuse Alannah Currie.
    She used to let her pet rabbit run wild and it
    kept eating all the flowers in our garden. We
    got fed up with this after a while so one day
    drove it out into the country and set it free.
    Sorry Alannah, if you ever wondered what
    happened to your rabbit."

Need to ask for forgiveness from a celebrity?
hello@popbitch.com

------------------------------------------------------
Our favourite celebrity Facebook update of the week:
Chesney Hawkes attacked by a ginger cat
in his back garden.
------------------------------------------------------

     >> Brotherly love <<
     Mark Rylance plays trick in Globe

whatever_yeah writes:
   "I was a volunteer at The Globe when Mark
   Rylance was artistic director. One night some
   cast members joined the volunteers to work.
   Mark Rylance was posted on the programme
   stall with me.

   "During the interval an American man came
   up to Mark and excitedly shook his hand,
   saying, "You're Mark Ry-lance, aren't you?
   God I love you!" Mark replied: "Oh no, I'm
   not. I'm his brother." He gave me a look and
   I quickly turned away but managed to keep a
   straight face. He strung the guy along with a
   made up story of how he sometimes volunteered
   but his 'brother' was the one in the limelight.

   "At a lunch the next day Mark told everyone
   what had happened, asking if 'the girl' was
   around. I went bright red as he thanked me for
   keeping schtum. So thank you Mark, you're a
   nice bloke."

------------------------------------------------------
The Economist has a smaller percentage of female
readers than does Playboy.
------------------------------------------------------

       >> The wisdom of pop stars <<
       Keith from Boyzone gets philosophical

   OK magazine: "Did losing Stephen bring you
   closer together as men?"

   Keith Duffy: "Boyzone is escapism - it's our
   own world. But when Stephen died, our dream world
   was penetrated. But I think it's like body building
   -  when you rip that muscle, you need to repair
   it and when you do it's bigger and stronger."

------------------------------------------------------
We're told that Pimlico is the only underground
station without a letter from the word 'badger' in it.
(If anyone has checked this, hello@popbitch.com)
------------------------------------------------------

       >> Popbits <<
       Stuff to do in March

   1. Go see Laura Solon, in honour of Smokey The
   Rabbit.  Her show Rabbit Faced Story Soup is based
   around a stuffed rabbit. We've heard good things.
   She's in London on Sunday, 7th: http://bit.ly/bGtEYo
   And on national tour: http://www.laurasolon.com/live/

   2. Or if that's not your thing, try The Party.
   Four young idealists decide to form a new political
   party to save the world from itself. Small minds
   tackling big issues. With Edinburgh Comedy Award
   winner Tim Key, at The Arts Theatre. £10 tickets til
   Sat 6 March: call 0845 017 5584 and quote CAMPAIGN
   offer or book here: http://www.artstheatrewestend.com

   3. And if that's not your thing, surely Jerry
   Sadowitz is and he's playing Leicester Square Theatre
   in March: http://bit.ly/9XcHsF

   4. And if you don't want to go to any kind of show
   but you do fancy quizzing next week with us -
   The Player, Soho on Tuesday and The East Room,
   Wednesday. 7pm start, fiver entry, teams of up to 4.
   Tom Webb to hos and for table availability contact
   rochelle@popbitchpopquiz.com or 07931 359 499

------------------------------------------------------
The average adult polar bear testicles have been
shrinking: they now measure only about three inches
across and weigh about 1.8 ounces.
------------------------------------------------------

      >> Things that make you go hmm <<
      Muppets, Korean schoolgirls, Jewish Narnia

   "Knut should be castrated". (Nicely written piece
   by our favourite German correspondent, Roger Boyes):

http://bit.ly/cr8cVw

   Kennedy assassination clothes put in exhibition.
   Spokesman shocked that Kennedy family perturbed:

http://bit.ly/aSHPvM

   Ever wanted to see a remake of the Wicker Man
   starring the muppets?

http://bit.ly/d63wp7

   Is there a Jewish Narnia:

http://bit.ly/cNWDUB

   Korean schoolgirls dance in class. Awesome:

http://bit.ly/bupErZ

     >> UK Top 40 <<
    This week's new entries/high climbers predictions

Number One
TINY TEMPAH Pass Out

Top Ten
NAUGHTY BOYS FT WILEY Never Be Your Woman
GRAMAPHONEDZIE Why Don't You
BOYZONE Gave It All Away

Top Twenty
DAISY DARES YOU Number One Enemy

Top Forty
MARY J BLIGE I AM
GLEE CAST Defying Gravity

    >> End Bit <<
    Stuff about Popbitch

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**************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SW, LM, AM, SW, NF, monstris, AM,
jacques_as_in_hattie, richjohnston, ulysses, GO,
too_fat_to_skate, rubbishlogin, Fake Daniels,
DG, dude, glitterkitty, kerching

Oscars: thanks to GO for the Oscars info,
LM and CL for the editing and Smokey and Petra.

Congrats on winning the JK autobiog: J, GC, FK
**************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week.
It was OK. Nothing to write home about.

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