www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwakjoSs754

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jdx_zQLtme4

Now, ignore the girl and the T-rex, and what are you left with?  Joseph Mazzello!  He plays Tim in everyone’s favourite ‘kids-love-dinosaurs-let’s-take-them-to-see-this-film-oh-dear-they’re-going-to-have-nightmares-for-weeks’ style movie -- Jurassic Park.

After he’d romped with the Raptors, tussled with the T-Rex, tended to the Triceratops, galloped with the Gallimimus, and, err, BEEN in front of the Brachiosaurus, young Joseph sort of fell off the radar somewhat.

BUT HE’S BACK (imagine the trailer man saying that)

BUT WHAT IS HE BACK IN? (imagine the trailer man again, or maybe Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks if you’re childish)

The Pacific, that’s what.  A World War II drama from the makers of Band of Brothers which aired for ten episodes on Sky recently -- they promoted the hell out of it, so if you didn’t watch it (and you have Sky), you’ve only got yourself to blame.

We have ourselves to blame.

We didn’t watch it, Malcolm in the Middle was on or something so we had our priorities elsewhere.  Still, some people did watch it, and it seems, enjoyed it -- it got ‘rave’ reviews (although why you should trust what someone wearing fluffy boots, waving around glow-sticks and on drugs would say, we don’t know).  Either way, the kid from Jurassic Park is in it, and that’s why we’re here.

Here’s a trailer:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=e99B80crU3E

Strange Casting Quotient: 1/10 -- It’s not like Joseph has only been in films about dinosaurs since Jurassic Park, so this wasn’t much of a surprise.

Although they clearly do, because they made this.

They certainly don’t usually make them like this anymore.  That’s better.

Instead of trying to tell you what the ‘plot’ is in our own words, we managed to find director Alexandre Aja’s original pitch email, so we’ve just copied and pasted it below:

Dear Dimension Films,

Bonjour!

This film will have Kelly Brook naked in it innit and also there will be piranhas.

Yours sincerely,

Alexandre Aja

P.S. It will be in 3D

P.P.S. Kelly Brook will get naked in it.

P.P.P.S. Sorry, already said that.

That’s all you really need to know.  Assuming you think that Kelly Brook being naked in a film is a reason to go and watch it.  If not, you’ve always got the piranhas.  Oh and the 3D – but that’s a bit pants.  What about Ving Rhames screaming “CHEW ON THIS MOTHERFUCKERS!!” whilst attacking fish with an outboard motor – will that swing you?

Here’s a quick rundown of the most intéressant bits:

• Richard Dreyfuss appears right at the beginning and some idiot starts laughing really loud at the front of the cinema so that everyone knows he’s seen Jaws.
• Boy gets caught looking at porn on his computer.
• Boy gets caught looking at porn on his computer again.
• SPRING BREAK!!! WHOOOOO!!
• Kelly Brook and porn-star Riley Steele do a naked underwater ballet set to classical music.  Men cross their legs.
• Many many people are eaten by piranhas in one of the bloodiest scenes in horror history.
• A man has his penis bitten off by a piranha.  Men cross their legs.
• A woman gets her face pulled off when her hair gets caught in a boat motor.  Strange looking man at back of cinema crosses his legs.
• A woman gets her bikini top sliced off by a wire.  Everyone laughs.  Then she falls in half.
• “Wuuuhheeett Teee Shuuurtt…Wuuuhheeet Teee Shuuurrtt…” = The best line in the entire film.
• Bloody great ending – sequel is a go-go.

All in all, Piranha 3D was all it promised to be and more.  It’s such a great film and will be impossible not to enjoy – because if you’re sitting in the cinema cross-armed moaning and complaining about how rubbish it is, you’re an idiot.  Precisely because you’re sitting in the cinema cross-armed moaning and complaining about a film called PIRANHA 3D.

So anyway, ‘must -see’, ‘roller-coaster ride’, ‘best aquatic horror since Jaws‘, ‘if you see one film this summer, make sure this is it’, ‘feel-good hit of the year’, ‘Jennifer Aniston is back on form’ etc etc etc.

It’s out in cinemas now.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=niqrrmev4mA

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Edward Maya- Stereo Love

www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-Z3YrHJ1sU

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Yolanda Be Cool -- We No Speak Americano

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3S4dBk4E1g

This one (she’s the one in the bikini):

So what’s she been wearing a bikini in then?  Well, cast your minds back to 2005 and a little film called Into the Blue - it starred Jessica Alba (in a bikini) and Paul Walker (not in a bikini) and it followed them as they tried to get some treasure or something -- it’s hard to follow when there’s so many bikinis strewn about the place.  Anyway, they’ve only gone and done a sequel, it’s called Into the Blue 2: The Reef and they’ve upped the bikini count.

Upping this count is Patridge (in a bikini) playing some sort of bikini-wearing nutcase who jumps around the screen screaming and shouting and hurting people, here’s a clip of her antics:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4GcJJdWhjc

Pretty mental huh?

Well we think that’s her only part in the whole film actually.  So we’re going to have to end this here, people.  Not much more to say on old Audrina.  Apart from maybe some sort of forced pun along the lines of:

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a Patridge in a bikini!

But we’re not going to do that.

Strange Casting Quotient: 1/10 -- She is in a bikini

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lMJW4V49Yc

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6_vIZHMAAQ

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Rogue Traders -- Voodoo Child

www.youtube.com/watch?v=AH_k7CP2EVo

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David Guetta v The Egg -- Love Don’t Let Me Go

www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6e3R-aA2LA

The incessant wet-dream marathon is over.  We’ve finally seen The Expendables.  It was really good, but not really really really good.  It should have been really really really good, but it was just really good.  Why?  Well, below we’ll offer our thoughts in a handy bullet-point-type arrangement:

Reasons why it was really good:

• It has an amazing cast – you already knew this.
• The beginning has Dolph Lundgren blowing someone IN HALF with a huge gun.
• The beginning has lots of people getting killed by Jason Statham’s throwing knives – although ridiculous, this is still rather satisfying.
• Mickey Rourke shows up to talk a lot.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis turn up to talk to Sly – this scene is pleasing on the eye, ear and mind.
• Eric Roberts is in this film.
• Jason Statham beats a load of people up in a basketball court.
• Jason Statham and Sly fly around in a massive plane blowing stuff up.
• Dolph Lundgren stamps on someone’s head and calls them an insect.  It’s the funniest part of the whole film.
• There are lots of fights near the end with grin-inducing grappling moves.
• Terry Crews hogs the loudest and most extreme moment in the movie.

Reasons why it wasn’t really really really good:

• Sly and Statham’s ‘banter’.  Not only did this force us to write the word ‘banter’ but it also causes erratic bum-clenching to a degree not felt before in a mainstream movie.
• The cast member’s ‘banter’ in general.
• Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren have a fight – this should be in the bit above but the camera is flung about so wildly that it’s impossible to see what is going on.
• Almost every hand-to-hand fight scene is completely unintelligable.
• Gary Daniels is completely wasted.
• Terry Crews is completely wasted (apart from the bit above).
• Jet Li is completely wasted.
• Randy Couture is completely wasted.
• (By wasted, we don’t mean drunk.)
• THE BIT RIGHT AT THE END IS UTTERLY SHIT.

So as you can see there is exactly one more reason to watch it than there is to not watch it.  This means that you should watch it.

SO WATCH IT.

Or watch it, buddy.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCLOHiKqpxk

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Gorillaz -- DARE

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIqDNcRAeaU

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Pussycat Dolls (feat Busta  Rhymes) -- Dontcha

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNSxNsr4wmA