Mailout Archive
Halliwellujah!
********************************************** The Travelzoo Top 20 is the definitive list of the week's best travel and entertainment deals. Our Deal Experts in 25 offices worldwide research and select the 20 most competitive offers, then email them to you every Weds. Sign up for free: http://bit.ly/IMyiAM ********************************************** "I put on MTV occasionally and it's just a racket" - Tom from Keane "If a puppy was the size of an elephant, it couldn't be classed as a puppy" - Max from The Wanted ---------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 10.05.12 ISSUE 593 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * Robbie Williams' urinal habits * Brian Paddick finally impresses hacks * Charts: Rita Ora will be number one ----------------------------------------------- >> Ronnie's performance art << A cigarette smoking masterclass Having invented the "beerachino" as a way to take a crafty drink on stage (that's what he calls the paper coffee cups he fills with Guinness), Ronnie Wood is now working on a way to sneakily smoke indoors. At the recent Damien Hirst opening night at Tate Modern, Ronnie was seen waving around one of those electronic cigarettes with great flourish. He was doing it to distract from the lit Marlboro he had tucked, borstal boy style, in his other hand that he was secretively sucking on. When approached by an official, Ronnie then presented them with the e-cigarette saying, "Naw mate, these are completely legal." And got away with it too. ------------------------------------------------ R writes: "Before Damien Hirst got famous, a friend helped him install fish in formaldehyde in a gallery in London. Hirst barely spoke to my friend, smoked like a chimney and had BO." ------------------------------------------------ >> Winey liberal << Paddick finally impresses hacks At City Hall for the Mayoral election count, the Lib Dem candidate, Brian Paddick, managed to crack the code to the wine cellar, and dish some bottles out to the thirsty journalists who'd been waiting around for things to happen for ages. If only he'd done that before the election, he might have got the kind of favourable coverage that would have taken him above 4% of the vote. ------------------------------------------------ An anagram of Kylie and Jason is kids enjoy anal. ------------------------------------------------ >> Halliwellujah! << Waiting for the Geri comeback You just can't keep a good self-promoter down. 2012 will see Geri Halliwell back in a big way! As well as the horrific-sounding Spice Girls musical, Geri has filmed a reality show for Sky Living - obviously angling to become the British Kim Kardashian. How 'real' it will be remains to be seen as Geri's grasp of reality has always been tenuous. We remember when she filmed her last TV documentary she wanted to include her daughter Bluebell's birthday party. So she held a casting for photogenic children to attend. FYI: Panasonic have been discussing signing Geri up as a spokesperson for Olympics year. Someone (obviously absolutely mental) there thinks that as long as they can coax her into her Union Jack dress to attend various vacuous celebrity events, they'll be able to get "cut through" with the tabloids during this really busy PR period... Good luck! ------------------------------------------------ Tulisa's manager's dog was named by Cheryl Cole. Cole suggested the name Lola, as she thought the pomeranian looked "just like a showgirl". ------------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << What people are asking this week Is there any truth to the rumour we heard that David Cameron is frequently referred to by colleagues now by a new nickname: Iggle Piggle? Which star, currently in the news, must have such a high opinion of himself that he needs to massage his ego quite frequently? He was, for quite some time, having sex with someone who worked professionally as his own lookalike. (Some of his more casual hook-ups too are said to have more than a passing resemblance.) ------------------------------------------------ Melanie Blatt has a tattoo of a musical stave on her right shoulder. It has an extra line on it by mistake (six lines instead of five). ------------------------------------------------ >> Talking cock << Robbie's urinal gambit CV writes: "A few years ago I was working on a live show at London Studios. Robbie Williams was a guest and just before we went on air, he nipped into the lavvy for a quick piss. My mate was in there at the time and Robbie took the urinal next to him. As they were both pissing, presumably to break the silence, Robbie leaned over, looked down at my friend's schlong and said 'Nice cock mate'. Without a second thought, my mate smiled and said 'Thanks', then leaned over and did the same thing to him, adding 'You too'. Nothing else was said." ------------------------------------------------ According to the 1990 Census, the 53,492nd most common surname in the US is Wanker. ------------------------------------------------ >> Simple Simon << Cowell is nice to waiters and dogs At the Serpentine Gallery for the launch of the Tom Bower biography last week, Simon Cowell "didn't look at the art at all", ate none of the canapes, but smoked a lot. He was nice to all the waiting staff and people working there, so everyone liked him. We're told Cowell also makes regular secret visits to Battersea Dogs Home. He "spends ages petting all the dogs". So we're not surprised to learn that Chenille Steele, appears to have turned her attention from being "spit-roasted by the boys from Chelsea FC" to being petted by a certain music mogul. Her new song is here: http://bit.ly/ISK77e ------------------------------------------------ More handshake news: A reader tells us that Huw Edwards has "the firmest handshake I've ever encountered." ------------------------------------------------ >> Make a Wish 2.0 << Not being the new Gavin Arvizo It must be horribly tough being a kid with a terminal illness, but whatever happened to wanting to meet Adam Sandler or something? This is going round Twitter: "A 8-year old boy named #RyanKennedy is in the final stage of brain cancer. His simple wish.. to "trend" worldwide. RT to help!" ------------------------------------------------ Handshake news: Peter Stringfellow has "soft, old lady type hands - reminiscent of my Nan's." ------------------------------------------------ >> Danny's back! << Dyer DJs the hotspots of Britain Danny Dyer's only gone and done it again, hasn't he? After proudly declaring the Tottenham Opera House to be a "pwoper gaff", her has now bestowed the very same honour on a club in Corby, Rockafellas. Listen to Danny's full testimony: http://bit.ly/ILmvxz ------------------------------------------------ A Rebecca Brooks has been doing work experience at More! magazine. But she loves all the wisecracks she must be getting this week. ------------------------------------------------ >> Devil may care << The unbelievable female boss Princess Productions can't help keeping itself in the news. Boss Henrietta Conrad (Lily Allen's godmother) is on the look-out for a new assistant. The job description, which cites the post as working for an "Unbelievable Female" also bills Henrietta as a "truly 'Devil Wears Prada' female". The book, if you haven't read it, is about a girl who takes a job as a personal assistant to a heartless, demanding tyrant who is notorious for making her assistants' lives hell. Don't all rush at once. FYI: Princess Productions' show The Wright Stuff is being investigated by Ofcom after posing the question "What's the most offensive term to describe someone with learning difficulties?" then offering the multiple choice: mong, retard or spaz? ------------------------------------------------ Non Nominative Determinism: From today's Gorkana jobs alert: Andrew Young is now Editor of Mature Times. ------------------------------------------------ >> Popbits << The new best film of 2012? It's true we promoted The Expendables as likely to be the best film ever. But now seriously, The Expendables 2 REALLY might be the best film ever. * The trailer is brilliant * It's not directed by Stallone, but by a real director * It's got Arnie and Bruce Willis. Together. In a Smart Car. * And Van Damme. For about another 20 brilliant reasons/cast members/things about the film, plus trailer: http://bit.ly/KpGjtK ********************************************* Special Ticket Offer for Rock of Ages, with Justin Lee Collins and Shayne Ward. Best tickets - only GBP 35 (worth GBP 65) Any closer and you'd be in the band! Tues - Fri 730pm,10 May to 30 Aug 2012 To book call 020 7379 5399. Quote "Popbitch". http://www.rockofagesmusical.co.uk ********************************************* >> Hmms << Courtney, manatee, Pixie WTF! Bad otter taxidermy: http://bit.ly/JzUdtR GBP 59: England v W Indies, Lord's for 2 Travelzoo subscribers can buy a pair of tickets, day four, 1st Test (Sun 20 May) for GBP 59. (That's 25+% off the reg price GBP 80) http://bit.ly/IVM2Zv Courtney Love's first art show: http://bit.ly/Kcw0Lh When you need a helping hand: http://calmingmanatee.com/ GBP 139 Algarve 4*Break from nine UK Airports, 50% off! Departures from this weekend until Oct - perfect for just about anyone: http://bit.ly/ILdrZz What have Pixie Lott, Paolo di Canio and Dolph Lundgren been up to? http://bit.ly/IVYOHJ We asked The Wanted five really stupid questions, and they were nice enough to answer them. Find out what monkeys they are into - and more - on @popbitch over the next week. Nice football solvency index: http://tgr.ph/K59jF1 ******************************************** Dixie's Tupperware Party, the hilarious show which turned Off-Broadway into a Tupperware celebration finally comes to London! 50% off tickets from now - Wed 16th May, at 9.45pm, Soho Theatre. Quote promo code POPBITCH1 on 020 7478 0100 or online: http://bit.ly/KNFpV6 ******************************************** >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ********************************************* Thanks to: DB, R, SG, mounstnobody, JO EH, ER, SW, GI, SM badhorsey, ER, Media Whore CV, CDP, IS, HP, G, MW, AR, PP, monstris @jacques_aih, abitlikeneeson, intheissynoho ********************************************* Old Jokes Home Q: How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? A: Caerphilly. Still Bored? The only way to play Draw Something: http://ignorehitler.tumblr.com/
As Famous As Cheryl Cole
*********************************************** If the Streets and Arctic Monkeys had a love child they would sound like this: http://on.fb.me/thewholls And have you tried the new rock & roll energy drink manufactured in the UK? http://on.fb.me/Ksbuli *********************************************** "I'm not a gold digger. I'm a boob digger" - will.i.am "I think every year I'm getting older" - Tulisa ----------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 03.05.12 ISSUE 592 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * Cowell's unspilled beans * Celebrity handshakes * Charts: Tulisa v Carly Rae for no. 1 ------------------------------------------------ >> Zach aye the noo << American star learns British Zach Braff has been using his recent stay in London as a chance to perfect his various British accents. It's a shame that his West End run has just come to an end because we're told that none of them are anywhere near convincing yet - his Scottish accent being marked out as "particularly shit". ------------------------------------------------ Cheryl Ladd has a dog called Crockett. Don Johnson does not have a dog called Munroe. ------------------------------------------------ >> Mad Max << Publicist woes It hasn't been a great couple of weeks for aging media manipulators. A powerful man enduring the kind of headlines he never thought would see the light of day and behind the scenes is boiling over with rage - you have to feel sorry for Max Clifford. After cleverly managing Simon Cowell's public profile for a decade, he's seen his client collaborate to present himself, via Tom Bower's book, as a sleazy diva with a penchant for pies and younger women, rather than the settled, serious and about-to-get-married media mogul of a year ago. One story goes that Clifford has been sending angry texts to Cowell about it. He should relax a bit though, Cowell didn't spill all the beans. Even he has standards about what he will and won't talk about. For example, there wasn't anything about any long-rumoured escapades with Jordan or pig-fiddler Rebecca Loos, was there? ------------------------------------------------ Robert Mitchum saw Siouxsie and the Banshees at the Vortex in 1977, when he was in London filming Michael Winner's remake of The Big Sleep. ------------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << What people are asking this week Which loud and annoying pop star wannabe had a gak-fuelled threesome with her equally likeable partner, and a journalist sent to get some quotes from them? ------------------------------------------------ Ex-goalkeeper Magnus Hedman, convicted of paying hookers and using steroids, and divorced by pop star wife Magdalena, has an interesting looking autobiography coming out. ------------------------------------------------ >> Chunger games << The secrets to bikini bodies Ready for the beach this summer? If you need a bit of help getting your bikini body in shape, why not try one of these highly effective sounding classic celebrity standbys: The 'Alexa Chung': Oat cakes and mozzarella balls. Nothing else. The 'Victoria Beckham': Muller yoghurts. Nothing else. The 'Dannii Minogue': Nothing until you feel faint. Then a can of Slimfast shake. Repeat. ------------------------------------------------ Mel B's photoshoot demands: "thin sliced salmon sashimi and albacore tuna". ------------------------------------------------ *********************************************** >> Classic << Guide to the Guineas Last year we had a two year old filly, called Superinjunction. In her first race she finished just behind a horse called Discourse, from the famous Godolphin stable, for whom Frankie Dettori usually rides. Sadly this was the high point of Superinjunction's career. She won't be lining up in Sunday's 1000 Guineas. But Discourse is one of the favourites. Tips for 1000 Guineas? * Discourse, because we met her * Favourite Maybe, whose Dad Galileo is superstar Frankel's Dad too. * Moonstone Magic likes the rain If you fancy a flutter, sign up with Coral for a free bet - and they have special money-back offers on their win only (green tick) market. http://bit.ly/AbG5kU Want to bet on the 2000 Guineas? We didn't have a boy-horse last year, so we know them less, but try this: * Camelot - big favourite but short odds * Trumpet Major likes soft ground, so do the French ones, Abtaal/French Fifteen. * Caspar Netscher each-way. ------------------------------------------------ More tips as we get them on @popbitch. Popbitch's guide to the 1000/2000 Guineas: http://bit.ly/K4eabi ------------------------------------------------ >> Popbitch Racing Club 2012 << We're about to get our new horse! - Want to choose a racehorse? - Name him/her? - Swan around the Owners and Trainers bars? - Win loads of prize money?* - Then join! Email pophorse@popbitch.com for info *This one might not be true *********************************************** >> Hands down << Celebrity carpal chart After last week's revelation that Mark Wahlberg has unfeasibly soft hands, we have more news of the state of other soft celebrity paws: Paul Simon = "extremely soft hands... handshake not soft but not firm" Rhys Ifans = "the hands of a man who has never worked a day in his life... squishy handshake." Arnold Schwarzenegger = "clammy... very limp handshake". On the other hand: Robert Smith = "frantic handshake" *********************************************** Our friends at Bootcamp Pilates - London's Top Dynamic Reformer Pilates studios, are making Popbitch readers an exclusive offer of 2 free sessions. Available in Notting Hill, Hoxton, Fulham and Richmond. Book your 1st class at: http://bootcamppilates.com/ *********************************************** >> Nick Cave Watch << Brightoning up our lives The Brighton Argus was the paper that first brought our attention to the Baboon v Badger debate back in 2009. Now one of their journalists has gone and logged one of the greatest Nick Cave spots of all time. Better yet, she managed to get a picture of it. Here is Nick Cave on New Road in Brighton, helping a German unicyclist to juggle with fire. http://bit.ly/IXVVBz FYI: Long-time Nick-spotters will notice that, once again, he seems to be offering his right side to the camera. ------------------------------------------------ Out of Your Mind: Dane Bowers' original choice of singing partner was Katie Price before Victoria Beckham stepped in. ------------------------------------------------ >> Parlez-vous Popbitch? << Celebrity insults for 2012 With Made in Chelsea hogging most of the reality show headlines, poor, dying TOWIE has turned on the cast members that made it big in order to get column inches. Once golden girl, Lauren Goodger, has been threatened with the sack for, er, acting like the deluded fame-hungry z-lister the show made her into. And what has Lauren done to show those around her she's got too big for her boots? "A source told Reveal magazine, 'she thinks she's as famous as Cheryl Cole'" ------------------------------------------------ Ronnie O'Sullivan's middle name is Antonio. ------------------------------------------------ >> Popbits << Day-dream belieber "Big on youtube" is still little more than a sarcastic reference in much of the music industry. And yet, finally it looks as if a new model is emerging. Take Alex Day. This 23 year old, together with friend Charlie McDonnell gained a surprisingly big following on youtube as amateur band, Sons of Admirals. Alex then self-released a single, Forever Yours, which went top 10 at Xmas, following this up with a top 20 hit last month, Lady Godiva. So why did Day got it alone, rather than use his online fame as a calling-card to the major labels, as most people expected? Well, his first single made him almost a hundred grand. And his second, something in the region of 50k. Not bad for an unsigned act, eh? FYI: Someone who should probably be unsigned is Victoria Aitken. Though we have to say we are enjoying her new track - it's a bitter rebuke to James Blunt, apparently: http://bit.ly/IGfuE3 ------------------------------------------------ At last, some good news for 2012! Kevin has rejoined the Backstreet Boys. ------------------------------------------------ >> Arseing around << Portillo gives the bum's brush? SJ writes: "For many years a friend worked for Oddbins. Their shop was extremely busy one day and my friend was bending down, stacking a low shelf with booze, when he felt someone brush against his backside. He was not initially suspicious because it could easily have been accidental. However, it happened again a few seconds later and when he stood up and turned around he was faced with a big, cheesy grin from Michael Portillo." Ever had the suspicion you had been surreptitiously felt up by a celeb? hello@popbitch.com ------------------------------------------------ Of the nine chief football writers working on national papers, three support Liverpool. The others - Spurs, Newcastle Utd, Fulham, Arsenal, Notts Forest and Man United. ------------------------------------------------ *********************************************** Remember Heretic, the low budget horror you helped raise finance for last year? Well, the movie is shot and the first teaser trailer has been released: http://www.hereticmovie.com. It's scary. We're excited. Help get Heretic finished and support the British film industry by donating or investing in the movie: http://www.modscientists.com/investment *********************************************** >> Hmms << Otters, Sorkin, Camden Owls that look like Roy Hodgson: http://bit.ly/IEwE17 We've always wanted to give a shark a frickin' laser: http://bit.ly/ItIPkf Nice piece on what else Olympics budget would have bought: http://bit.ly/IItpXe Ever wondered if there was an Ann Widdecombe porn-a-like out there? No? Well, don't look at this then: http://bit.ly/JgpfEj Cute-otters-holding-hands cake! http://bit.ly/JVG3Et Aaron Sorkin and News Night: http://bit.ly/Kez1LV Camden Crawl preview: http://bit.ly/IYj0Wq Want to win sold out Lady Gaga Tickets and a night at the swanky Grosvenor hotel? http://www.pr1moracing.co.uk Nice piece on how the Government has misjudged the Murdoch mood: http://tgr.ph/IosRTp Popbitch Popquiz - 9th May Buy tickets here and join us 730pm, Century Club, London W1: http://www.wegottickets.com/event/165548 ******************************************** Do you have the "It's bloody raining again" blues? Then cheer yourself up with these damn funny greeting cards and novelties - lots of good Father's day ones as well. Warning: your bum may fall off with laughter! http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com ******************************************** >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ********************************************* Thanks to: PW, CS, TP, HE, intheissynoho, SS, zygmunt, danceswithmustelids, lenorman, AM, theabominablehoman, AR, MW, SC, YL, sydbarretthome, SD, GA @forgetcape for joke @gregjames for quote ********************************************* Old Jokes Home If a hipster falls in the forest... you probably haven't heard it anyway. Still Bored? Unfortunate url: http://bigbustycoons.com/
Talking Tits with Sophia Loren
*********************************************** There's a huge, potentially title-deciding Manchester derby clash next Monday evening and Betfair is offering new customers a free GBP25 bet. Place a minimum GBP25 bet on the game and if your bet loses they'll give you GBP25 cashback* http://bit.ly/x8oDQl *(For terms check out http://bit.ly/sUl2Hb) *********************************************** "It takes time to be a phoenix" - Sharon Stone "When I went to Liverpool, I admit it was more of a culture shock than coming to France" - Joe Cole ------------------------------------------------ POPBITCH _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 26.04.12 ISSUE 591 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * After dinner with Michael Winner * The genesis of another urban myth? * Charts: Calvin Harris will be number one ------------------------------------------------ >> Chelsea mourning << Cast fail to bask in glory of Bafta Made in Chelsea may have been nominated for a Bafta this week (and had the ultimate accolade of being the subject of a Jan Moir rant), but new girl Kimberley is yet to see the perks of stardom. She wandered into a Kings Rd boutique and suggested that they might want to give her some freebie clothes so she could be spotted wearing them. "Er, no..." was the answer. And when the "Do you know who I am?" ruse was tried? "Er, yes," they replied. The answer? Still no. FYI: Spencer used the Queen's solicitors to stop his cocaine photos from getting out earlier this week. Alright for some... FYI 2: "I think name-dropping royalty is a bit poncey, but my brother knows Pippa Middleton" - Spencer ------------------------------------------------ Kim Kardashian and mum checked into their hotel in Chicago as Snow White and Avatar. ------------------------------------------------ >> Winner's after-dinners << Talking tits with Sophia Loren Michael Winner was speaking at the Lady Taverner's 25th Anniversary Luncheon at the Royal Garden Hotel Kensington last week. He was in rare form, as he gave full vent to all his favourite swearwords and sexual references much to the blushes of the assembled diners. To give you a flavour of the sort of anecdotes he was imparting, this is one he told about when Sophia Loren called him, upset that paparazzi had taken snaps of her topless. With typical Winner panache he asked "Did your tits look good, dear?" "Well, yes," she conceded. "No problem then!" he offered in support. ------------------------------------------------ Claire from Steps says she has a crush on Michael Buble. ------------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << What people are asking this week Which Hollywood megastar is very keen to keep one story out of the media - that they've become a strident, libertarian Neo-Con? ------------------------------------------------ AW writes: "Funny. Una Stubbs got in touch with me via email to ask for advice re. setting up a website. She really wanted one...then the emails completely dried up. Maybe the family put her connection on lockdown?" ------------------------------------------------ >> Brought to book << Murdoch the newsagent Some amusing facts from the Bower on Cowell book: * Cowell is quoted as saying that Nicole Scherzinger likes mineral water to be served to her in a thimble, so it is always the right temperature. * Rupert Murdoch has a printing press on his yacht so he can get all the newspapers he publishes in the UK, US and Australia while on holiday. He then gets copies delivered to neighbouring yachts. * Simon Fuller has a nickname in the music industry - Scavenger. An amusing fact not from the Bower on Cowell book: * Even though he is minted, Cowell loves playing the lottery and has loads of used tickets on his console table. Buy the book: http://amzn.to/Kdr0kh ------------------------------------------------ Another big celeb who prefers blowjobs to intercourse? We’re told Robbie Williams. ------------------------------------------------ >> Parallel lines << The almosts of the music industry Uber-songwriter Max Martin originally gave N*Sync's hit song Bye Bye Bye to Five, but the band members were so rude about it in front of him ("What a bag of shit" etc) that he gave it to Justin and co instead. It then went on to win two Grammys and spend 12 weeks in the US top 10. While Baby One More Time was nearly recorded by TLC, Cowell offered Max Martin a Mercedes 500SL in order to get his hands on it before Britney. Just imagine. That could have been Five's too. Or someone off Emmerdale... Know any other song that almost ended up in other hands? hello@popbitch.com ------------------------------------------------ Jessie J says she really wants to star in musicals. She's even started writing one. Exactly what the West End needs. ------------------------------------------------ >> Publish and be damed << Bowie's book finally sees the light? Late in 2010, there was much excitement that David Bowie was about to publish a retrospective book about his life and the important things in it, Bowie: Object. It was even the talk of the Frankfurt Book Fair. And then? Nothing. But this week, a Bowie fansite claimed to have been leaked a few pages, or at least an advance draft. And if this is anything to go by, it should be great: http://bit.ly/JXTC5P ------------------------------------------------ Absoluteshower writes: "A mate of mine's big sister's ex-boyfriend once fell on Tanita Tikaram from a cupboard. That is all." ------------------------------------------------ >> X Factory << More pop wannabes emerge One Direction have had a meteoric rise to being the world's favourite boyband. But look out Syco - past boybands have always foundered when the band declare they want to write their own material... Quoted this week, Harry Styles: "We're always writing on the road and in hotels and airports. We don't ever want our music to sound like a 40-year-old man in an office has written it and given it to us to perform." We're sure 1D wouldn't swap their fame and success, but here are two X Factor graduates who've gone off and done things their way (ie, didn't win proper record contracts) and have ended up making records that sound unexpectedly fun and authentic: Aiden: http://bit.ly/Is5TO4 Paije: (channelling Aloe Blacc, somewhat) http://ymlp.com/zJZ1LN FYI: Danny-out-of-the-Script-and-the-Voice has had his mullet cut by "Next big name in hairdressing" Warren Holmes. It's now short at the sides and long on top. ------------------------------------------------ Remember Little Mix? You can hire them for a corporate gig for 15k. ------------------------------------------------ >> Berry bad << Halle's kid gets papped Halle Berry did a Q&A with Hello last week. In it, she said: "There are people who don't mind their children being in magazines. But I feel that if we make the decision for our family and children that it's not okay, I should have my wishes as a mom heard." These words seem to have fallen on deaf ears at Mail Online. This week alone, we've had: "Halle Berry lovingly carries a tired Nahla on a sunny walk in LA" - complete with five large photographs of Halle trying to actively guard her child's face from the camera. http://bit.ly/IrJUXr "Halle Berry and daughter Nahla enjoy afternoon in Malibu with Olivier Martinez" - with six large photographs of Halle mainly trying to shield Nahla's face. http://bit.ly/I77XrF ------------------------------------------------ Andrew Neil likes to work out to the soundtrack of the Pirates of The Caribbean. ------------------------------------------------ >> Saved by the Belfry << Mortgaged paid, but not by Beckhams jesus_h_christ says: "I was a volunteer at the Ryder Cup at the Belfry in 2002. I was assigned to the media section which entailed walking the course with the BBC 5Live crew, and working in the press tent at other times. "The 2001 event was cancelled due to the 9/11 attacks and the subsequent security fears, and the event was postponed for a year. The Belfry unfortunately was booked for the re-arranged dates for a wedding. "Now at the event I was told that the couple had been bought off, and their mortgage paid to compensate them for having to rearrange their wedding. The person who told me was the head of communication for the European Tour and was in charge of the whole Media Centre operation. It was told matter-of-factly, not as gossip. He stated the event was said to benefit the local economy by ten million pounds, it saved face and it ensured the event went ahead, and those reasons justified the expenditure. "The beginning of an urban myth?" FYI: We can date the Beckham/mortgage rumour to 2003.. anyone got one earlier? ------------------------------------------------ Someone who interviewed Mark Wahlberg says he has unfeasibly soft hands. ------------------------------------------------ >> Piranhabits << Film of the summer Best news of the week - Piranha 3DD is getting a cinema release! It's probably not going straight to DVD. Why should you see it? * The Hoff as an evil lifeguard * Ving Rhames with machine guns instead of legs * Gary Busey * Christopher Lloyd, playing vintage Christopher Lloyd * The trailer is brilliant http://bit.ly/IrJReb (Of course, it is possible that the film won't live up to the trailer, but who wants to be a spoilsport.) ------------------------------------------------ Tweet of the week: "I'm on the train and there's a guy next to me listening to the spice girls "if you wanna be my lover" It's loud and it's driving me nuts!!!!!" - Lee Ryan ------------------------------------------------ *********************************************** Bank Holiday fun to be had at the legendary Tayo's Tracksuit Party. Paradise by Way of Kensal Green, Sun 6th May, 8pm-3am. 10 pairs of tickets to giveaway: comp@popbitch.com or @popbitch - send your favourite silly tumblr. http://on.fb.me/JcGHYa *********************************************** >> Hmms << Grant, Witcher, Netflix Who gets what plastic surgery and where? http://econ.st/I3o5Mf Meeting the King, being nice to elves... The Witcher 2 comes to London: http://bit.ly/IbDcEk Amadou and Mariam's playlist: http://bit.ly/IbDJG8 Step up 4 v Battlefield America: http://bit.ly/Js7Rw9 How can Hugh Grant think the Mail might have a vendetta against him? http://bit.ly/JBcOqh Most insane blob ever into a paddling pool for charity? http://bit.ly/Iq4sfo Is Netflix doomed? http://nyr.kr/IysB7J Is American politics screwed? http://slate.me/IiRiq3 Don't forget - the London Eurovision Party is on Sunday evening at Shadow Lounge, Soho. Loads of acts - inc that Facebook song... Discounted tickets with this code: OGAEUK http://www.londoneurovision.com Win a pair of tickets to Sadler's Wells to see Ballet Revolucion tomorrow (Friday). Email comp@popbitch.com with your drawing or photoshopping of something involving Shakira/Beyonce and/or hot Cubans? http://bit.ly/SadlersWells *********************************************** *****POPBITCH POP QUIZ - 9th May ***** Century Club, London W1, 730pm Buy your team's tickets, reserve a table now http://www.wegottickets.com/event/165548 *********************************************** >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ********************************************* Thanks to: SG, monstris, mount_st_ nobody, GO, danceswithmustelids, theabominablehoman, jesus_h_christ, P, ER, LT, TS, ********************************************* Old Jokes Home I was just taking a dip in the local swimming pool and the lifeguard said, "What's that you've got?" I replied, "Hummus". Still Bored? Looking for a full-time sub-editor job? Want paying for it? Don't worry. God will provide for you... http://bit.ly/JcwHOB
Don’t mention the coffee table
*********************************************** Need a website built or designed, but afraid you might have to employ a crazy geek to get it done? Don't be. Contact Rob @NorthernComfort He understands business as well as code stuff and is completely normal. Pretty much. http://www.northerncomfort.co.uk *********************************************** "Twitter should ban my mother" - Frances Bean Cobain "I'm the fastest pee-er ever" - Jennifer Lawrence ----------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 19.04.12 ISSUE 590 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * It's a One Direction world * What price privacy? * Charts: Carly v Connor for no 1 ------------------------------------------------ >> Bottom gear << Our genuine thanks to Rebekah Simon Cowell's fling with Dannii Minogue got him on the front of the tabloids just when his ailing TV show most needed a push. Ex-NOTW hacks have been complaining that they had this story years ago, but Rebekah Brooks spiked it as a favour to Cowell. You can see why they'd be frustrated, but we have to be fair to Rebekah. Her power plays were not always wrong. Remember the story of Jeremy Clarkson’s affair with a blonde colleague a year ago? They'd been seen "cavorting" at a New Zealand hotel. Well, a freelance snapper took a load of rather explicit photos of the pair getting frisky on their balcony. He then took them to the News of The World. Mrs Brooks happily bought up the lot... and buried them to spare the blushes of her Chipping Norton neighbour. In doing so, she saved a nation from having to see that series of unimaginably gruesome shots. So let's just hope Top Gear's ratings never need the same help as BGT's... ------------------------------------------------ Like John Adam, Ernest Shackleton had a dog called Satan. And also one called Bummer. ------------------------------------------------ >> Gizza job! << The way to Cowell's heart Those Simon Cowell "exclusives" this week: (a) As TV interviews have revealed in the past, he likes black bog roll. (b) As he's happily admitted in many interviews, he's no stranger to the botox doctor and the special vitamin shakes/injections. (c) As he's paid Max Clifford a fortune to place these stories for years, he really likes one night stands and pretty women. (d) As she's not been shy of saying, Sharon Osbourne isn't much of a fan these days. What we're not expecting to see (but hoping that Bower's heard and will verify): (e) The story that one of Cowell's celebrity mates told us: that he doesn't really like intercourse, but is a big fan of blowjobs. ------------------------------------------------ When Will Young was on Question Time recently, he left a batch of his albums backstage for anyone who'd care to take one. What a sweetie. ------------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << What people are asking this week Seeing as X Factor scandals are all the rage at the minute, we wonder when we'll hear about the well-known act who turned up to audition first as a pregnant teenage hooker - a sob story that, strangely, wasn't broadcast. ------------------------------------------------ Mel Blatt from All Saints spotted at a film premiere this week. "She's aged well", is all we now know. ------------------------------------------------ >> 1D, 100 stories << World goes mad for boy band There are so many stories whizzing round about One Direction at the minute, it's hard to know what's true or what isn't. Bids for Niall's bit of discarded toast reached $100,000 on eBay, but surely those bids can't be authentic? Where are One Direction fans going to get that sort of money? Mind you, the fans are kind of crazy. If they're sending death threats to the US band with the same name, maybe they're not above robbing a bank? Meanwhile, Harry seems to be going out with everyone under the sun - most of them just lazy PRs trying to get publicity for their clients by using his swordsman's reputation. And these stories have already spawned the first "Harry is gay" rumour - based on the reasoning that the older women thing must surely be because he needs a beard... (His love interest in this tale is Nick Grimshaw, btw.) ------------------------------------------------ Human Centipede 3 update: It will have a chain of 500 people but might not have plastic surgeon Dieter Laser as he doesn’t like the script. ------------------------------------------------ >> Tales from the tabloids << Another month, another tale 27 March - "Jess J and Tinie Tempah's 'secret dates'." 19 April - "Jessie Gay... Jessie is 100% lesbian." ------------------------------------------------ Our favourite story of the week: "Will.i.am has secret date with Geri Halliwell". If this one's true, we're going to start believing there is a God after all... ------------------------------------------------ >> Frank discussion << Things that shouldn't be said? Last Friday at 5pm, an email was sent to publishers (Popbitch included) from lawyers for Frank Bruno, informing them that Frank had been detailed under the Mental Health Act and stating that it would breach his Article 8 rights under the Human Rights Act if this medical information were to be published. So it wasn't a surprise to see that no-one ran the story on Saturday - either from fear of reprisal or just out of plain old sympathy for Frank. What was a bit of a surprise though, was that the next day both the Sunday Mirror and the Sun on Sunday featured the news prominently on their front pages - both containing quotes on Frank's sad battle, provided by Dave Davies, his PR. Makes us wonder if the right to privacy from the Human Rights Act, as quoted in their letter, has just come to mean the right to keep things quiet until people work out how best to spin the story...? ------------------------------------------------ A racehorse weighs about the same as an F1 racing car. ------------------------------------------------ >> Una Bummer << Keeping Stubbs off the internet After referencing the Una Stubbs urban legend last week, we were emailed by someone close to the Stubbs family. Apparently Una has no idea about the coffee table story and her kids have gone to all sorts of lengths to ensure she doesn't find out. They've pretty much banned her from using the internet for fear that she will google herself, and have told her many tales about the perils of searching for your own name online, claiming it leaves you open to scammers and hackers - just in case she ever gets tempted. We're told that the story itself is totally untrue and that Una "wouldn't hurt a fly, nor shit on a coffee table". Her kids are similarly lovely and have worked their arses off trying to cover it for this long. So if you ever meet Una, please don't mention it. ------------------------------------------------ Sunday Times reported that for every $1 newspapers won from online advertising last year, they lost $10 in print ads. ------------------------------------------------ >> The British Bieber << And, shock, he's likeable! Conor Maynard's rise to success came from uploading videos to youtube, much like the Biebster himself a few years back. But unlike pretty much anything the Canadian has released, we're liking Maynard's debut, released last Sunday. It's a bit Timberlake, and definitely a grower. Give it a try. FYI 1: Conor Maynard shares a birthday with Liza Tarbuck. FYI 2: An anagram of Conor Maynard is Random Crayon. ************************************************* New British pop sensation Conor Maynard released his brilliant debut single on Sunday. Join the Mayniacs and download it here - http://smarturl.it/cantsaynoPB ************************************************* >> Jack Wontshere << Yep, Arsenal star misses Euros The more astute readers among you shouldn't have been too surprised by the announcement that Jack Wilshere won't be playing in the Euros. Popbitch October 2011: "Jack Wilshere's injury and recuperation are worse than has been said publicly. Bone grafts and spending time in a wheelchair are being discussed. Along with a timeframe that wouldn't seem to allow a tournament next summer." ------------------------------------------------ Robert Powell was overheard saying "Little Britain is the least amusing programme ever to appear on television". Joe Pasquale agreed. ------------------------------------------------ >> Things that make you go hmm << More Gotye, zombies, Gus and Scout The best "404 - Page Not Found" pages on the net: http://bit.ly/J7oFuK Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner’s youngest son, Gus, has jumped into the music business with Scout Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. The offspring have formed folk-rock band Gus + Scout http://gusandscout.bandcamp.com/ What's better than a sausage making class? A sausage making class with wine: http://bit.ly/HKaidd The new Bedingfeld EP is available to hear: http://bit.ly/HVFUkQ A quick lesson in how gak got cheap: http://slate.me/JeWVpe We sent someone into a zombie-filled shopping centre in Reading. This is what happened: http://bit.ly/HSLZJl Iron Sky has been pushed back until May (boo!), but here's the latest from the Asylum: http://bit.ly/HVUNSW Goyte Vs Robert Miles: Thanks DJs from Mars! http://bit.ly/JNjHj0 If you enjoyed our Claire from Steps Spinal Tap story last week but would like to see it illustrated with blurry YouTube stills that don't really show anything in particular, the Mail Online have kindly followed it up by providing exactly that... http://bit.ly/HUUsgU Badgers better hope baboons don't get their hands on The Art Of War: http://bit.ly/I15fWh *********************************************** The London Eurovision Party is back! Sunday 29th April. Loads of this year's acts - live! Discounted tickets with this code: OGAEUK http://www.londoneurovision.com *********************************************** >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ********************************************* Thanks to: AG, The Merkin, GHK, JS, N, CB, BD, Anon, KZ, NS, CMH, D_notice ********************************************* Old Jokes Home An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak, an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner, a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian, a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai." Still Bored? Crap Branded Apps (or 'Crap Brapps') http://crapbrapps.tumblr.com/
Your Own Brian Sewell
*********************************************** Get your colleagues, your friends and family involved in the world’s most famous race! Download your FREE Racing Post Grand National Sweepstake Kit now at: http://www.racingpost.com/sweepstakekit *********************************************** "In this business, if you were gay it wouldn't be a problem, would it?" - Simon Cowell "When I write my book, I'll tell the real story of Cheryl" - Louis Walsh ----------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 12.04.12 ISSUE 589 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * Steps do a Spinal Tap * Richard E Grant's Baboon v Badger * Charts: Carly v Bieber v Usher for no. 1 ------------------------------------------------ >> Charming Basterd << How to greet your publicist He may be blessed with good looks, irresistible charm and an excellent sexual technique but Michael Fassbender is cursed with a bad memory. Approached by an attractive woman at the Bafta awards and unable to remember quite how he knew her, he swept her straight up into a smooch in the hope that he could buy himself some thinking time. It turned out the two of them had met before - but it wasn't what he thought. She had been the publicist for his last movie and was merely coming to ask him to be part of a photocall. ------------------------------------------------ US President John Adams had a dog called Satan. ------------------------------------------------ >> Tragedy! << Claire gets that sinking feeling Whoever was in charge of the set design for the latest Steps tour clearly has never seen Spinal Tap. The opening set piece involves the five members being raised up in glass lifts to the top of a large flight of stairs. The doors open and they walk out singing. That's the plan at least, but at the Glasgow SECC Claire's doors wouldn't open. Stuck in clear view of the audience she slowly started to slip out of sight behind the set as the other four made their way down the stairs to wild applause. They were joined about 30 seconds later by Claire who sheepishly jogged on from the wings. ------------------------------------------------ Real Names Of The Rappers returns: Sway has a new top 10 entry. His real name is Derek. ------------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << What people are asking this week Which rather prim ex-Blue Peter presenter is a bit of a potty-mouth between the sheets? A downstairs neighbour of hers heard her scream things in the throes of passion that turned the air... well, blue. *********************************************** Get your bet on the Grand National early - open an account with Coral and get a free bet up to 50GBP free bet today or Friday (not available on Saturday). We haven't backed a winner since 2000 but going with Killyglen, as we've been tipped it eight times this week. Which means there's now only 39 sensible options for you to go for... http://bit.ly/AbG5kU ************************************************* >> WAGGY dog story << The new Posh and Becks It's funny how urban myths fall in and out of fashion. Just as everyone knows someone who knows someone who had Una Stubbs shit on their chest/ coffee table, there was a point a few years back when we couldn't go a day without someone emailing in to say that a friend of a friend had just had their mortgage paid off by a footballer desperate to buy their way out of a double booking for a wedding. It's one of the oldest shaggy dog stories going, so we were surprised to see it revived and reported in the press that Frank Lampard and Christine Bleakley had paid someone's mortgage off in order to snatch the date. If we get told that someone's seen Christine in hospital getting a champagne bottle removed from her arse we'll know we've really got the new Posh and Becks on our hands. ------------------------------------------------ Alan Cumming spotted outside that "21 year old model" doorway on Greek Street in Soho. (With camera crew, so probably not to make use of it) ------------------------------------------------ >> E.J. Phone Home << Elton likes the personal touch When Elton John became life-long president at Watford FC, he was so devoted to the club that if he couldn't get to a game and couldn't get radio coverage he would call the switchboard at the ground to check in. Whichever lucky operator took the call would then have to go and commentate the entire game for him. Just imagine if they'd lost... ------------------------------------------------ Jimmy Page was spotted at Easter wandering around the record fair at Reading Rivermead Centre. ------------------------------------------------ >> Badger v Baboon << What would Withnail do? Richard E Grant says: "The obvious answer would be to say that the baboon would win because it's bigger. Is there a trick to this question? Well, baboons would hands-down win it for me." ------------------------------------------------ The president of Turkmenistan (who managed to win re-election with more than 97% of the vote) somehow won his country's first car race following a last-minute decision to enter. ------------------------------------------------ >> Get Carter << Aaron revives family fortunes Just when it looked like it was all over for the Carter family - a clan so dysfunctional they make the Jacksons look like the Brady Bunch - Aaron Carter pulls them all back from the brink. Not only has he extended his run in off-Broadway show The Fantasticks (the world's longest running musical), he is recording more new music. But fans of Crazy Little Party Girl will be disappointed: "I was just on the phone with my manager and said, 'I'm not going to be doing pop music and all that stuff anymore. I want to do real music and music that relates to people.' That's who I am now, who I'm becoming as an adult... Meaningful songs. Like Coldplay. That's generally where I'm going with me as a person." ------------------------------------------------ Jeff Conaway's character in the sitcom Taxi has a Fantasticks poster up in his apartment. ------------------------------------------------ >> Over the moon << Only one week to Iron Sky We've been harping on about Iron Sky for over a year now. Well - a film that relocates the Nazis to the Moon at the end of World War II, and details their subsequent plans to attack Earth in the present day - who wouldn't? Now we've seen it - and it's good! * The special effects are brilliant. Made for a pittance but comparable with Hollywood blockbusters. * The acting can be dodgy, and the script and jokes a bit clunky, but it's definitely a film you laugh with, not at. * There's a startling "albinisation" sequence, where the Moon Nazis kidnap a black guy, dye him white and give him blue eyes and blonde hair. * You can watch the first four minutes here: http://bit.ly/Hu3uAh And find out more about our trip to the middle of Finland to watch the film and meet the stars (naked...) in a sauna here: http://bit.ly/p7zAvR ------------------------------------------------ Popbitch's favourite academic dolphin expert: From Western Australia's Murdoch University ...Dr Hugh Finn. ------------------------------------------------ >> Bo fiddly << Mayor and his special remote The Chinese politician currently embroiled in a murder/corruption controversy, Bo Xilai, used to be the mayor of a city called Dalian. Our favourite fact - he had a remote control in his office that operated the fountain in the square outside and allowed him to choose the music that played through speakers across the city. ********************************************* Want to see hot Cubans dancing to Beyonce and Shakira? Then head to Ballet Revolucion in the West End for 4 weeks til 19 May: http://bit.ly/SadlersWells ********************************************* >> Hmms<< Cats, hamster, Bieber Your very own Brian Sewell: http://bit.ly/IiAHie Man gets bike stolen. Writes an article that it must have been stolen by someone black. No longer has any "white guilt". Wow: http://thedc.com/IxOWlD Warning to pop stars - dump your WAG nicely, or else: http://bit.ly/HzrRAn Cash for cats: http://www.webuyanycat.com/ So bored with Titanic stories, but this one amused: http://nyr.kr/HCt76N Just when you thought Spring had sprung it's started raining again! Don't be a grumpy twat, have a gander at these cards, guaranteed to bring some sunshine into your life: http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com The finest magnetic hamster story you'll read all day: http://bit.ly/HCRUqS So you want your photo taken with Bieber? http://bit.ly/HzrYM8 Man and polar bear: http://bit.ly/IqoegL *********************************************** Late Night Gimp Fight, 19 April – 5 May The country’s most exciting sketch group is coming home to Soho. An hour of comedy like no other: expect singing toilets, an ode to Henry the Hoover and a rap about bestiality. 50% off with online code popbitch1 for first 5 nights. http://bit.ly/HCWwOh *********************************************** >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu * Thanks for the special goodie bag of toys which were won at the Popbitch Pop Quiz last night http://www.lovehoney.co.uk * CORRECTION: In the last issue we linked to a video we titled "Bumsex at the races in Finland". We have since been made aware that, though it appeared on a Finnish website, the bumsex actually took place at a Norwegian race course. We would like to apologise for any offence caused to our Nordic readers. ********************************************* Thanks to: SG, flouronaut, theabominablehoman GfromP, PollyP, celtiagirl, thegingerprince, LMES, billy_mills_roundabout, bad_horsey, G ********************************************* Old Jokes Home Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Athens Airport. "Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" he asks. "No, just visiting for a few days." Still Bored? Terry Wogan’s pirate radio: http://bit.ly/HNQzr9
Squirrel V Snake
*********************************************** Popbitch Quiz - new venue! Century Club, W1 Weds 11th April. Be there or don't be there. Buy tickets and full information here: http://www.wegottickets.com/event/162574 *********************************************** "There are lots of bunny rabbits that run through. I am the tortoise" - Newt Gingrich "If you haven't cursed out a New York Times reporter during the course of the campaign, you're not really a real Republican" - Rick Santorum ----------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 29.03.12 ISSUE 588 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * Frank Langella: family man * Squirrel vs Snake * Charts: Chris Brown is number one ------------------------------------------------ >> Wipeout << Nicole needs kitty litter While Lewis Hamilton didn't quite set the world alight as he'd hoped in the Malaysian Grand Prix, his girlfriend was running into trouble behind the scenes too. Another VIP guest who happened to be in the toilets at the same time as Nicole Scherzinger says that Nicole was so busy lining the seat with loo roll that she forgot to keep any paper back for the necessary moment - a fact she announced very loudly when the time came. Lewis's mum was despatched to secure additional paper. Disaster was averted. ------------------------------------------------ He might have messed up in Malaysia, but it's hard not to like Jenson Button. He said he celebrated his Australia GP win by spending the morning swimming with penguins. ------------------------------------------------ >> Trial by media << May the courts be with you May 8th is a big day in the calendar for many reasons. It's Gary Glitter's birthday. It was the day in 1999 that Livin' La Vida Loca got to number one in the US. And of course, it's V-E day, commemorating the end of the second world war in Europe. But this year it's got added significance for staff at News International. It's the day that they're expecting charges to be made relating to Operation Weeting, the police investigation into phone hacking at NOTW. There are currently 19 people on bail in this investigation, plus a hell of a lot of ex-employees keeping an anxious eye on the calendar in the hope they get to May without a visit from Plod. But though there may only be six weeks until then, trials aren't expected to take place until 2014. ------------------------------------------------ Jane Fonda is likely to play Nancy Reagan in Precious director Lee Daniels' next film. ------------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << What people are asking this week Which TV superstar shagged his brother's wife purely to get back at him for a perceived slight? The awkwardness in their relationship occasionally rears its head, but now someone is trying to shop the story to the press. ------------------------------------------------ Jeremy Kyle owns two pairs of Ugg boots. ------------------------------------------------ >> Funny uncle << Frank keeps it in the family Frost/Nixon star Frank Langella has just brought out a memoir in which he details his relationships with older Hollywood stars like Rita Hayworth, Elizabeth Taylor and Bette Davis. It has lead to him being described as the bitchiest man in Hollywood. He waited until they all died to dish the dirt on them. We're not so patient. Langella was recently filming in LA. When he turned up at the house rented for him by the movie company he had an unexpected housemate with him, a cute looking young man, who he introduced as 'his nephew'. Well, what else would we expect from a paramour of Liz Taylor and Bette Davis? ------------------------------------------------ The Daily Mail never reviewed James Bond novels because Ian Fleming had an affair with the wife of the owner, the second Viscount Rothermere. ------------------------------------------------ >> Popbits << Here comes summer First contender for summer anthem 2012 is Jagwar Ma's Come Save Me. Jagwar Ma is the new solo project of Australian producer Jono Ma, previously in indie favourites The Lost Valentinos and a knob-twiddler for The Foals. It's a bit Beatles. A bit Charlatans. A bit trip-hop. It's been signed in the UK by two A&Rs from XL, and a host of UK DJs and producers are lining up to remix it. Listen: http://bit.ly/GXrCJX *********************************************** Popbitch Party... Celebrity Pop Star Wii Challenge, music and drinks. Wanna come? 18 April, Central London. Stick it in your diary now. More details to follow after Easter... *********************************************** >> Badger v Baboon << What the football manager thinks Wallop_bosch writes: "I've made it my mission to ask the entire Millwall squad this most important of all questions... I previously asked Paul Robinson, Millwall captain. He said 'Definitely baboon'. Now I've asked manager Kenny Jackett." About 2'50" in: http://bit.ly/H1o3Fw FYI: Here's a new one - Squirrel v Snake http://bit.ly/GZ4zVf ------------------------------------------------ John Parr spotted in the Doncaster Sainsbury's. He forgot his PIN twice and was advised not to try a third time. ------------------------------------------------ >> Masters of ceremony << Top chefs know how to party The winner and two runners-up of MasterChef 2012 celebrated the results in the unlikely setting of Giraffe, Soho. After dancing around, almost knocking people over, one of them passed out and they all left without tipping. They might be able to cook, but it seems like they still need to learn how to behave in restaurants. ------------------------------------------------ Katy B likes watching snooker on TV. ------------------------------------------------ >> Celebrity seduction << More moves from rock stars Ms A writes: "Many moons ago when he was a student at Kingston Uni I had the unfortunate experience of ending up at Richard Archer of Hard Fi's student digs. His route to seduction involved telling me at length how people tell him he resembles Ian Astbury of the Cult. It got worse when he put on a Cult record and mimed along to it including hand pointing, hip swaying and shaking a tambourine he conveniently had to hand. Despite this I still got busy with him." ------------------------------------------------ Mini-Sting, Coco Sumner, has given up trying to become a pop star in London, and has moved to Brooklyn to have a go in the States. ------------------------------------------------ >> PR guff << Pointless stunts leave bad smell What is it with deodorant companies and rubbish PR stunts? First off we got word from Lynx that they were sponsoring the panda mating season at Edinburgh Zoo, and have even installed a camera in their enclosure - presumably to encourage you to watch pandas humping. But we think they've been beaten by Sure, who were so desperate to shoehorn their brand into the press attention around Kate Middleton's debut speech that they sent out a press release claiming they'd sent some cans of deodorant to Kate's office. ------------------------------------------------ Popbitch's favourite sommelier... Kimpton Hotel Group's Emily Wines! ------------------------------------------------ >> Things that make you go hmm << Disco, Madonna, Lego Jet split. Remember Pitchfork's finest moment? http://bit.ly/GXCHw8 Lego taxidermy: http://bit.ly/GBoOGm Nice piece by Nick Cohen on Twitter/jail/free speech: http://bit.ly/H0YFf3 The Northern Ireland 1981 Disco Dance final: http://bit.ly/GYhTZG Interesting take on Madonna by Flavorpill: http://bit.ly/GZ55lc Just when you thought you'd seen it all on YouTube: http://bit.ly/HoukLi The New Yorker tackles the Daily Mail: http://nyr.kr/GZ8mAX 17? Possibly pregnant? In the US? Good luck with that... http://yhoo.it/GXxDGD *********************************************** Popbitch is taking a break next week. See you after Easter. *********************************************** >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ********************************************* Thanks to: NS, J, CC, HM, CC, PK, NS Wallop_bosch, Helen Poptart, CMH, GA ********************************************* Old Jokes Home Wayne Rooney visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital this week. "It's amazing, I swear he is starting to string a few basic sentences together", said Fabrice. Still Bored? Bumsex at the races in Finland: http://bit.ly/GBJiww
Hugh Grant’s Karaoke Classic
*********************************************** Discover the secret to luxury affordable travel. Up to 70% off the price you'd pay by booking anywhere else. How have we done it? Well, even the most luxurious hotels out there don't like having empty rooms... Secret Escapes - the worst kept secret in luxury travel. Loads of Popbitch readers signed up last month - and some have already enjoyed a luxury break. Don't miss out, sign up for free here: http://bit.ly/SecretEscapes *********************************************** "I knew Tulisa weren't talking to me, but not cos she had her mouf full!!" - Dappy ----------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 22.03.12 ISSUE 587 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * Hugh Grant's karaoke classic * More celebrity soilings * Charts: Katy Perry will be new number one ------------------------------------------------ >> Olympic floater << Passed from ring to ring Enormous Olympic rings have started popping up in London. There's a set at St Pancras, another recently floated down the Thames, and a third set will be suspended at Tower Bridge. We're told that there's something special about one of the rings. Someone involved in their construction had a bit of a downer on the whole Olympics in London thing. So he took a shit inside one of the rings. And then had it welded shut. http://bit.ly/GPSjBi ------------------------------------------------ PRFR writes: "Up north, where I currently live, the expression for a turd left in the toilet bowl is a 'dead otter'." ------------------------------------------------ >> Private Number << Hugh swears off karaoke Just in case anyone's in any doubt, Hugh Grant really likes his privacy. A bartender working at a star-studded charity event at the The Sanderson hotel was serving Grant, just as the celebrity karaoke session (MC'd by Will off Will and Grace) started up. The bloke stood next to Hugh at the bar asked him what karaoke classic he had up his sleeve. Apparently it was a little known number entitled "Fuck Off". ------------------------------------------------ Stephen Ireland is so unpopular in his native Cork for refusing to play for the national team that they now call him "Stephen England". ------------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << What people are asking this week The S Club 7 reunion has been on the cards for ages, with six of them all raring to go but one who kept holding out on the rest. Which one was it? And what must it have taken for her to change her mind? ------------------------------------------------ The guy who wrote the theme from Buffy also wrote the music for that viral video Baby Monkey Going Backwards On A Pig. ------------------------------------------------ *********************************************** Want to fight zombies in an abandoned shopping centre? Limited places available before the shopping centre is demolished. Simon Pegg says: "Oh hell yes! If you can get there, get some!" Book now before it's too late: http://wish.co.uk/zombie-shopping-mall/ *********************************************** >> N-Dupez << Hacks aren't the only liars If Lord Leveson is still reading Popbitch, we'd just like to reiterate the point about why it's not always useful to fact-check stories with celebrities or their agents. Monday - Tulisa's representatives: "This tape is 100 per cent fake and is just someone trying to cash in on her X Factor role... She is horrified that someone would go to the extreme lengths of fabricating a video. It is absolutely not her. Tulisa has categorically never allowed anyone to film her having sex." Wednesday - Tulisa: "[The tape] consists of footage between me and an ex-boyfriend having an intimate moment... I can be honest when I say this isn't unexpected for me." Still, fair play to her. She's handled the situation pretty magnificently. Unlike Dappy, who got himself caught up in it and inadvertently managed to let slip how well acquainted he was with Fazer's penis. And that he'd watched his own cousin's sex tape. FYI: Online sex toy shop Lovehoney offered Tulisa 200k this week to be the face of their range: http://lovehoney.co.uk ------------------------------------------------ Like investigative journalist Donal MacIntyre, Rolf Harris also wears Ugg boots. ------------------------------------------------ >> Dyer situation << Danny falls for camera trick Danny Dyer was at the SHAFTA awards last week and fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book. Porn star Peter Oh Tool bumped into him and asked if there was any chance of a photo. Danny said sure, and walked up to stand next to him only to be handed the camera and told "Thanks Danny! Make sure you take a good shot for us!" FYI: Emma Bunton falls for that trick too. ------------------------------------------------ Tweet-of-the-week from Lee "911" Brennan: "In car behind Liverpool player Charlie Adam in Weeton, he got out of his car & herded about 20 sheep back into their field!! Priceless!!" ------------------------------------------------ >> Dark territory << More shitty pants stories Continuing our series of celebrity soilings, there's an old story about Steven Seagal on the set of Out Of Justice. He was apparently boasting about how he couldn't be choked, a claim the film's stunt co-ordinator called him out on. Not only did he successfully choke Seagal, he also caused him to crap himself. The story goes that Seagal then got a gagging order to stop anyone who witnessed the incident to keep schtum about it. Which they did. Until this week, when Gene LeBell - the stunt co-ordinator himself - all but confirmed the story in an interview with a martial arts website. Listen (about 9 minutes in): http://bit.ly/GBf6QO ------------------------------------------------ Greg Wallace has the Millwall crest tattooed on his chest. ------------------------------------------------ *********************************************** Four ex-soldiers, a reporter and a high-tech spud cannon, of course something goes horribly wrong. Read the book that Nick Hornby called "ingenious" – The Family Fang spud gun chapter: http://bit.ly/GIi6gL *********************************************** >> iPete << Kids these days... Ever wonder what Pete Tong does when he's not flying round the world, spinning discs and raising roofs? Well, he played the end of term disco at a West London prep school. Wonder if the kids had any idea who the fifty-something bloke behind the decks was? ------------------------------------------------ Kirstie Allsopp spotted at a shoe shop in Kew unable to find any pairs wide enough to fit her feet. ------------------------------------------------ >> Panda Popbits << Never say no etc... Loving German DJ duo Turntablerocker's new track Alles auf die 303. It has some great knob-twiddling, Josh Wink style. And a video featuring a rather porn-y panda. http://bit.ly/GNMNxV FYI: Congrats to One Direction for becoming the first globally successfully boy band for a decade. One Thing and What Makes You Beautiful are great pop songs. It's weird how time's stood still, though. The bloke who wrote these also wrote for the last ones, N*Sync and Backstreet Boys. ------------------------------------------------ Q: What is six inches long and only goes in one direction? A: Simon Cowell's cock. ------------------------------------------------ >> A bit of Blue << Entertaining as ever There's a new Blue album on the way which will be good news for Duncan James. Staff at a gym in West Hampstead say he was "let go" from their club after he was caught sharing a pass around with a bunch of his mates. The personal trainer he's got now will be costing him a bit more. Lee Ryan seems to be having a better time of it. He's reconciled with his girlfriend Sammi and is now the proud father of a movie star. Their child Rayn has appeared in his first film - Dexter Fletcher's Wild Bill. Lee said: "Rayn loved it, I'm so proud of him. Obviously he didn't have a massive speaking part... He couldn't really talk at the time." Rayn Ryan is two. FYI: Duncan in the gym doing a Fred Durst impression? http://bit.ly/GGtGda *********************************************** iPhone game banned in Saudi for sounding "too sexy": http://itunes.apple.com/app/id505430756 *********************************************** >> Things that make you go hmm << Monkeys, Lego, presidential privates Barack Obama porn-a-like: http://bit.ly/GCiLya Free pizza with every vasectomy: http://ti.me/GAnbIO Monkey Riverdance: http://bit.ly/GMK8ql Whatever happened to her off the Abu Ghraib photos? http://bit.ly/GFR5wc Jane Bussmann, who wrote us that brilliant piece on Kony, is performing it at Mish Mash, Kampala, Uganda, 20th April: http://www.facebook.com/events/257204131028443/ Ever wanted to get on the stage at a big festival? Just pretend to be a big DJ from another country: http://bit.ly/GGuAX3 Very much enjoyed Little Joe's Little Film Club's showing of the BBC Arena documentary on Kenneth Anger's Hollywood Babylon last night at the Cinema Museum. Check out their upcoming programme: http://bit.ly/GIqQ6q Nominative determinism of the week: Expert in black market food trends, Fiona Lickorish... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-17359619 *********************************************** Refreshingly different, silly and sometimes naughty cards, wrap, coasters, mugs and fridge magnets (ribbed for your pleasure ooh er missus) http://www.brainboxcandy.com/ *********************************************** >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ********************************************* Thanks to: KH, theabominablehoman, LJ, GA, SF, The Earl Of Essex, SL, Ignatius ORLY, posh duckhunter, @europopped, JH, abominablehoman * Thanks to everyone who sent in the many variations on the One Direction joke * Thanks for everyone who suggested what that Rebecca and Fiona track sounds like. It does start the same as Kids in America, but otherwise we're still in the dark... ********************************************* Old Jokes Home Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator. Still Bored? Sick of the Cumberbatch otters? Try Celebrities who look like mattresses: http://on.fb.me/GFRzT4
What Do You Call A Bunny With No Ears?
*********************************************** Say thank you by adopting a very special word for your mum this Mother’s Day: "Awesome", "Thanks", "Nag" (just joking) or you can even create your own word for her. You can also share your mum's words of wisdom on http://www.facebook.com/adoptaword Adopt a word with the charity I CAN for the perfect present that also helps a child with communication difficulties http://www.adoptaword.com/ad/popbitch *********************************************** "A working lunch is one thing, because you go back to work after it, whereas dinners are a different matter." - Sir Ian Blair "In our country and in Germany, we have a culture. We call it 'We would like to go for a pint'." - Sir Dave Richards ----------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 15.03.12 ISSUE 586 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * Birds of a Feather back! * Til we meet again * Charts: Gotye is still number one ------------------------------------------------ >> Russelling up dinner << Kurt is all fingers and thumbs AM writes: "I used to work for a family in Aspen. On one of my evenings off I went to a restaurant at a hotel called The Little Nell. "Kurt Russell and his family were on the next table and he ate his entire meal with his hands, ripping his steak up instead of using a knife. Never once touched his cutlery. It was disgusting. Goldie Hawn looked thoroughly ashamed of him and none of them spoke to him for the entire meal." FYI: Little Nell's double cheeseburger and truffle fries is a big favourite of Arnold Schwarzenegger. ------------------------------------------------ Croydon has just failed in its attempt to become a city. For the sixth time. ------------------------------------------------ >> Til we meet again << A star is born. And killed. A promising career was sadly cut short this week. Til was a baby bunny, born in Limbach-Oberfrohna zoo three weeks ago, without any ears. Cute baby animals go over big in Germany, so a little earless rabbit was set to be a huge star. A news team was called to the zoo to report the story but just as Til was about to be introduced to the world, a cameraman accidentally trod on him, killing him instantly. Obviously he didn't hear the cameraman's approach. The zoo say they're now debating whether or not to stuff Til. Tissues at the ready: http://bit.ly/AkozDo ------------------------------------------------ Knut the polar bear died a year ago next Monday. He is being stuffed. ------------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << What people are asking this week Which Brit expat actor is popular with US TV networks but possibly getting less popular at home, as he's suspected of at least 15 affairs? The actor's wife isn't going to get a great deal of sympathy from her colleagues in the costume department either. Her habit of going commando in her on-screen outfits hasn't gone unnoticed by the launderers. ------------------------------------------------ Last week's pant-shitter Meat Loaf used to arrange softball matches on tour between his people and the staff of the London hotel he stayed at. He was much liked by hotel workers. ------------------------------------------------ ************* Cheltenham 2012 ****************** >> World's greatest? << Sporting history could be made today Kauto Star may be the break-out star of jump racing, but Big Buck's story is possibly even more extraordinary. Today is the World Hurdle at Cheltenham. If Big Buck's wins today it will be the fourth time in a row. And it would be his 16th consecutive win - equalling a horse called Sir Ken back in the 1950s. It's always amazing to see sporting history being made. 3.20pm C4, or online at Coral TV while you're at your desk, if you make a bet. The feeling at Cheltenham is that he could be beaten by Oscar Whisky, from the in-form yard of Nicky Henderson. We've got our fingers crossed for Buck, but Whisky is maybe the clever bet. *********************************************** Open an account with Coral and you get 4 x free bets of up to £50! So that's today and the Gold Cup sorted and more. Info: http://www.popbitch.com/home/2012/03/13/coral/ *********************************************** >> Gotta get down on Friday << It's Kauto Star v Long Run part 5 So he did good in his fitness trial last Friday after all. Kauto Star runs, and would be the oldest winner of the Gold Cup for 43 years if it all goes to plan tomorrow, 3.20pm. ** Popbitch Special** - bet £10 on Kauto Star and get £10 risk-free gaming bet to spend on Coral's casino or games. http://bit.ly/AbG5kU For Gold Cup news and Cheltenham offers follow @popbitch *********************************************** Want to be a racehorse owner? Royal Windsor Racing Club is offering a 125GBP discount for PB readers. Join the racing club for 595GBP. We've won money backing two of their horses, so we can confirm they're no Superinjunctions. Mail Racing Manager Kevin McCarthy for details email: lidderdale.kevin@btinternet.com *********************************************** >> Waxed Lemon << Keith goes to Blackpool Keith Lemon (aka Leigh Francis) is the latest celeb to have a waxwork unveiled at the Blackpool Madame Tussauds. The sculptors originally wanted to make a Fearne Cotton and a Holly Willoughby waxwork to go with him but as the girls were too busy to attend an unveiling, the plans to make them were scrapped. ------------------------------------------------ Danny, the little kid in The Shining, is now professor of biology at Elizabethtown Community College, Kentucky. ------------------------------------------------ >> Pecking order << Touring with Birds of a Feather The Birds of a Feather cast are on tour. Theatres are advised that if dressing room space is at a premium, Linda Robson and Pauline Quirke will share a star dressing room. Lesley Joseph requires a separate star-graded room, with fridge, and fresh flowers daily. FYI: Pauline Quirke's son in also in the show. He, of course, learned his craft at the Pauline Quirke Academy of Performing Arts. FYI 2: Linda Robson's show son "Garth" is now the keyboard player in the Levellers. ------------------------------------------------ Religious right-wing politician Pat Robertson is supporting the campaign to legalise pot, saying "this war on drugs just hasn't succeeded." ------------------------------------------------ >> Fag hags << Daytime TV news Kerry Katona has been suggesting herself to This Morning producers as a stand-in host for when Holly Willoughby goes on holiday. Execs are not convinced that the celebrity, who decided to back Stacey Solomon's smoking-while-pregnant habit with the not entirely helpful get-out clause that "she only smokes Silk Cut which aren't even like having a cigarette", is quite right for the show. Another morning TV show nervous of covering the Solomon story was Daybreak. Host Kate Garraway was dreading being asked to discuss it, as she too had been caught having a puff by a pap when pregnant. Poor Kate. It seemed that her colleagues had completely forgotten about it - until she reminded them. ------------------------------------------------ An anagram of Rick Santorum is "I Rank Scrotum". ------------------------------------------------ >> Dubaibits << The latest from the the UAE * Liam Gallagher was in Dubai recently, taking a little break. He's been unwisely outspoken on previous trips to the UAE but we're pleased to report that his largest transgression this time was being spotted wearing double denim. * Lisa Scott-Lee has been co-hosting a drive time radio show on Dubai 92 with Tom and Dan. We're told that even by Tom and Dan's usual standards she is "utterly rubbish". * In non-celebrity news, a labourer called Saddam Hussein has been jailed for selling pornography. ------------------------------------------------ Donal MacIntyre wears Ugg boots. ------------------------------------------------ >> Just not cricket << How times have changed for England In 1986-87, the England cricket touring party had one player who was privately educated. In the current England squad, two-thirds are privately educated. Being state educated means you are statistically 20x less likely to play cricket for England than if you went to private school. The same trend can be seen in Rugby Union and British Olympians. From Ed Smith's new book on Luck: http://bit.ly/AxtBXo ------------------------------------------------ Stone Roses support acts? Primal Scream, Beady Eye and High Flying Birds. ------------------------------------------------ >> Things that make you go hmm << Torture music, Banksy, white dog poo Popbitch's favourite corporate relations director? Heineken UK's new recruit, Mr Jeremy Beadles: http://bit.ly/wvGuV7 If you haven't heard it yet, this 8-bit version of This Charming Man is amazing: http://bit.ly/wKNqEA What to put on your torture playlist - Eminem, Springsteen and Barney the Dinosaur: http://bbc.in/w434Bh Did Banksy plagiarise his advertising rant? http://bit.ly/Au2c6y 15 years since Buffy The Vampire Slayer hit our screens: http://bit.ly/yq7ja8 Like white dog poo? You'll love Streetdance 2 3D: http://bit.ly/xOTJId >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ********************************************* Thanks to: meow, JM, minkychunky, DW, SK, weeble, fayekorgasm, nevillebartos, AM ********************************************* Old Jokes Home A thief stole all the toilet seats from Scotland Yard last night. The Met Police say they have nothing to go on. Still Bored? Japanese dance troupe do TRON: http://youtu.be/6ydeY0tTtF4
Scat Out Of Hell
*********************************************** Ready for Cheltenham? Open an account with Coral and get a free matched bet up to 50 quid! (We're being tipped a Sprinter Sacre/Hurricane Fly double on Tuesday... follow @popbitch for daily tips and specials Tues-Fri) http://bit.ly/AbG5kU *********************************************** "It is better to be a dictator than gay - Alexander Lukashenko "There is no way in the world that a vacuum cleaner will ever be obsolete" - John Torode ----------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 08.03.12 ISSUE 585 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * Famke Janssen's stink eye * Strip poker with Bedders * Charts: Gotye is still number one ------------------------------------------------ >> Scat out of hell << Did toilet troubles fell Loaf? Meat Loaf caused a few rumours to circulate about his health last week after he was struck down with a mystery illness just moments before he was due to do a live interview on Loose Women. The 'undisclosed condition' that forced him to cancel last minute? Someone on the show said that he shat himself. FYI This is how he looked prior to the incident. Note the banana... http://bit.ly/wYGoaJ NEXT WEEK: Jean-Claude Van Damme. ------------------------------------------------ Chris Moyles spotted at Third Space medical centre this week. They do have London's best colonic hydrotherapist. Maybe he's finally realised he is full of shit? ------------------------------------------------ >> Daniel's date night << You won't shoot blanks with Bedders Daniel Bedingfield has always been one of music's great innovators, so of course he was going to be one of the first to jump aboard the new pledge funding business model - and the list of things he's prepared to do in exchange for your money is, frankly, incredible. For $500 he will take you to a gun range, $750 will get you a date with him. For $1,000 you can buy into a game of strip poker with Daniel and his friends. But, perhaps best of all, for just $75, Daniel Bedingfield - UK garage legend and third greatest beat-boxer in the world - will get out his sewing machine and tailor you a shirt. Snap 'em up: http://bit.ly/xpUFRd ------------------------------------------------ Steve Van Zandt (Silvio) was David Chase's original choice to play Tony Soprano. ------------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << What people are asking this week Though they weren't surprised by news of his affairs (his wife is a notoriously difficult woman) bandmates and crew of which pop star were gobsmacked by the fact that he was caught playing away with ladies, and not the gender they were sure he was into? ------------------------------------------------ New research in CFA magazine says that 1 in 10 Wall St bankers is a psychopath. In the general population it is just 1 in 100. ------------------------------------------------ ************* Cheltenham 2012 ****************** >> It's the Kauto show << Fingers crossed for Friday It's Cheltenham Gold Cup day next Friday. Last year the race was billed as the final chapter in the story of Denman and Kauto Star, likened to the last days of football's elder statesmen, Scholes and Giggs, that we thought we were witnessing. Well, Denman has retired, but that's the only bit we got right. Giggs turned out to be at it like a teenager, Scholes returned to the Man Utd team after about five minutes and Kauto Star suddenly became a 12 year old world beater, hammering last year's Gold Cup winner, Long Run, in two big races this season. But Kauto Star fell at home and now might miss his - probable - final Gold Cup. Tomorrow he goes on some very public exercise at Wincanton to see if he's OK. Yet still we wouldn't bet against him in the Gold Cup. Or even Paul Scholes scoring in the Euros this summer. *************************************************** Want to go to Cheltenham? Win a pair of tickets for Ladies Day next Wed. Tell us what we should call the next Popbitch horse. Answer plus your Coral username to comp@popbitch.com. If you want to enter but don't yet have a (funded) Coral account go here: http://bit.ly/AbG5kU *************************************************** >> Straight-laced scandal << Quokka shokka a thing of the past One thing you could always rely on the Australians for was a decent political scandal. It was only a few years ago that Troy Buswell admitted to sniffing the seats of female party members and snapping their bra straps for sport. Even the stories about him indecently handling quokkas (cute little marsupials) were well circulated. So we're hoping that the rumour we've heard about an Australian cabinet member getting someone on his staff pregnant (and in consequence driving away another wife) isn't true - if only because it's just so bloody pedestrian... ------------------------------------------------ The chairman of South Australia's wine grape council is called... Simon Berry. ------------------------------------------------ >> Spel on the sidelines << Rugby star in doping ban Caroline Spelman MP lost a bid to injunct the Daily Star Sunday's story of her 17 year-old son being banned from sport for doping violations. Her explanation about what poor little Jonny did certainly cast him in a sympathetic light: "Our son, who was then 16, was injured in September 2011 and took some widely-available drugs in order to aid his recovery". Someone's gathered up some photos of Jonny Spelman so you can see how ridiculous the idea that he might have been taking steroids for anything other than medical necessity is. Oh, wait... See: http://bit.ly/wgUgNi Full story: http://bit.ly/wBrFfj ------------------------------------------------ Shaquille O'Neal is just finishing his PhD in education at Barry University, Miami. ------------------------------------------------ >> Dog Trek << Wesley Crusher no fan of Famke A few months back a reader wrote in to tell us that Famke Janssen was an incredibly rude and unpleasant person, who would hold doors open for her dog but not for fellow human beings. Looks like this wasn't an isolated incident. Wil Weaton took to Twitter to relate this little tale: "A cute dog sniffed me at LAX, so I pet it and said "OH HI POOCH!" Its owner gave me the stink eye. Turns out the owner was Famke Janssen." ------------------------------------------------ Turns out that beer is one of life's essentials. A Lithuanian court ruled that brewing Carlsberg is a "vitally essential" activity. ------------------------------------------------ >> Making Hayes << Louis's formula for success Irish singer-songwriter Gemma Hayes has said she was approached by Louis Walsh about working with her. She claimed there were a couple of conditions: 1/ She had to stop writing her own songs. 2/ She had to date a celebrity. She said no. ------------------------------------------------ Although he gave his permission for use, Morgan Freeman doesn't find those More Than Freeman adverts very funny. ------------------------------------------------ >> Norman's conquests? << And what the butler said Obituarial nostalgia for Lord St John- Stevas suggests the smug old Tory was just "a bit of a character". Those who came across him remembered him more as a horrific snob. At Emmanuel College, Cambridge - where he was Master - he was remembered for lavishing money and attention on small groups of very pretty male undergraduates while ignoring the rest of the college. When a couple of his favoured boys got in trouble with college authorities he brazenly paid their fines for them. And a journalist tells us of the time they rang him to ask if it were true that he collected Queen Victoria's underwear. Stevas picked up the phone pretending to be the butler, and then went and got himself... because of course he wouldn't have wanted anyone to think he was the kind of person who answered his own telephone. ------------------------------------------------ The only person Adele got star-struck by over at the Brits? Mark Wright. From TOWIE. ------------------------------------------------ >> Oh Kay << Reporters stay out of the Sun Two people arrested in a blaze of publicity, then go on to try to commit suicide, one very publicly... sounds like the perfect story for The Sun? Not when the people involved were their journalists and the arrests occurred as part of Operation Elveden, it isn't. So it's unlikely you'll read a word about Virginia Wheeler's recovery in the Priory or that chief reporter, John Kay had to be talked down from Blackfriars Bridge by the police. That said, maybe the paper thinks it simply isn't news. This is, after all, Mr Kay's seventh unsuccessful attempt (at least) - six of which happened shortly after he killed his wife in the 1970s. We do hope Elveden has got the wrong man, as Kay seems like the last person who should have been put in the stressful position of handling sensitive crime information from the police. FYI: Another paper not to mention the story is the Guardian. Which is a little odd as they have been such excellent chroniclers of everything related to this investigation. ------------------------------------------------ Speculation on Fleet St has reached fever pitch this week that Kate's done her duty, and that a royal baby announcement isn't too far away. ------------------------------------------------ >> Eurovisionbits << Dynasty kingdom in Eurovision shock It's the time of year when newspapers like to talk out of their arses about Eurovision. The Telegraph this weekend showed the extent of their knowledge of the contest - and Europe itself - by writing about the UK entry being up against "troupes of strobe-lit Moldavians". We wish Moldavia were indeed taking part. The country which hosted the infamous Dynasty wedding massacre would have surely put on a much more interesting show than a real European country, like Moldova, who every year decline to enter our favourite paedo-popster Sasha "I Love The Girls Of 13 Years Old" Bognibov. FYI: Time to tone down the next album, Sasha: http://bit.ly/ye7iCX FYI 2: Sweden choose their entry on Saturday. They're already favourite for Baku because of this track: http://bit.ly/whjvkZ FYI 3: "I see your Engelbert Humperdinck and raise you..." Russia send six old grannies to Eurovision! http://bit.ly/zSSzfY *********************************************** Doug Stanhope’s back in the UK, kicking off a 37 date tour this week. (You can vote on which is the worst town in the tour - Liverpool is currently winning http://on.fb.me/wjVsl7) Doug is a regular on Charlie Brooker’s Wipes, and "might be the most important stand-up working today" according to Ricky Gervais: http://bit.ly/StanhopeTour *********************************************** >> Things that make you go hmm << Ancient otter, buffalo guy, RIP Toola The drink of the summer is here. Premixed turbo shandy... http://www.itsturbotime.co.uk/ Forget which celebrity did which charitable act where? Here's the African aid map: http://bit.ly/yjgOMb Egyptian otter statue: http://bit.ly/w4m2H6 A car chase mash-up: http://bit.ly/wwnyk2 An interesting article on Google and what the hell is happening to it: http://bit.ly/xXv06o Guy on a buffalo: http://bit.ly/wcODBP RIP Toola the otter: http://bit.ly/w5QbYF Some of your favourite photos, including a brilliant one of Pope JPII http://bit.ly/x0BHyt "It's Egypt - but the people are too sodding poor to sit in a square til he goes" - Uganda, by someone who was writing about Joseph Kony before he trended on Twitter: http://bit.ly/yJha31 *********************************************** Brainboxcandy.com - refreshingly different, silly and sometimes naughty cards and gifts, perhaps not suitable for your mum... Actually we do Mothers day cards as well! http://bit.ly/wCJKP4 *********************************************** >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ********************************************* Thanks to: BJ, mountstnobody, KT, mati theabominablehoman, mrs_ivy_trellis, AM, ulysses, PA, celtiagirl, onthehushhush, 7zark7, ccbaxter, mrsix ********************************************* Old Computer Jokes Home Q: What do you call it when you drop your laptop over the side of a cruise ship? A: A Dell rolling in the deep. Still Bored? Best thing ever? Penguincam. http://bit.ly/yL9jS9
David Hockney’s Sausage Preference
*********************************************** Are you tired of meeting the wrong men? Are you disillusioned with the internet dating game? Are you cynical about finding love? Would you like to learn how to train your brain for love? http://bit.ly/xL1oBi *********************************************** "Jay-Z apparently thinks I'm a cool cat. He wants to turn me into the British version of Kim Kardashian. Well, he's definitely got taste and knows talent when he sees it." - Kerry Katona "People have said that I'm like the British version of Britney. I don't know why but at least I never shaved my head." - Kerry Katona ----------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 01.03.12 ISSUE 584 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * Anti terrier-ist squad * Sexual Harries-ment * Charts: Gotye v Dappy for number one ------------------------------------------------ >> Aiding Ade << Hands down, Edmondson As hard as times may be getting, it's nice to know that the great British public still has time to selflessly look out for one another. Someone left a message at ITV's viewer log today in reference to their show The Dales: "Viewer would like Ade Edmondson to be warned that he should not wave his arms around when getting out of a helicopter, as he is likely to get them chopped off." ------------------------------------------------ Keith Allen is reforming Fat Les. He's renaming it Fit Les for the Olympics and has booted Alex James out for peddling cheese through Wal-Mart. ------------------------------------------------ >> Photo bombing << Pete fails to make a splash Poor Pete Waterfield. Must be hard being the bloke known as Tom Daley's diving partner. So this week in the Evening Standard, when they finally do a profile on him after he won bronze at the diving World Cup, what do they use to illustrate the piece? That's right, a photo of Tom Daley. http://bit.ly/zV7uWk ------------------------------------------------ Robbie Williams insists on pouring drinks and making tea for other people in meetings in a bid to appear normal. ------------------------------------------------ >> Big Questions << What people are asking this week Which presenter's most recent sacking was due to his adoption of heroin at night as a sleeping aid? He was having trouble dropping off as his days were usually spent taking phenomenal amounts of cocaine. (Sadly we're unlikely to see the rumoured paparazzi shots in the tabloids as the star used to spend a fair amount of time sharing his drugs with showbiz reporters and can take them down with him if he's turned over.) ------------------------------------------------ The World Gold Council estimates that only 165,000 tonnes of gold have ever been mined in the history of the world. ------------------------------------------------ >> Sexual Harries-ment << Lauren's semi-secret life Not everything in News of the World came from phone hacking. One day they received an anonymously sent grainy video of Lauren Harries dressed in a basque, appearing to stop at a kerb crawler's car. They tried finding out who made the tip off, and called Lauren to find out if she was working as a prostitute but got no response. A reporter was then sent to her house to put that question to her. As he walked up the driveway to her house he noticed that he recognised the car parked there... it was the same one as the one in the video. And suddenly the mystery of who was behind the video was solved! You can see the bizarre video here: http://bit.ly/x82t3M ------------------------------------------------ Best Oscars joke doing the rounds: A War Horse walks into a bar. The barman says: "Why the long film?" ------------------------------------------------ >> Popbits << Catching up with Eurovision UK's Eurovision entry, a "music legend", is announced tonight. Rumours suggest Shirley Bassey (well, it is St David's Day); we're crossing our fingers for Brian Harvey... There's been much ESC fun lately - we're still reeling with the news that Julia from Tatu is duetting with Dima Bilan in the Russian finals - a match made in gak heaven! Also: * Scandal! The announced winner in Minsk turns out not to have been anywhere near top in the voting - how odd for Belarus. Someone did notice - and the new winners are smiley Tron wannabes Litesound. * Hurrah! Austria chose our old friends Trackshittaz. * Surprise! A month before they host Euro 2012, amid fears about the past racist chanting of their football fans, Ukraine have entered their first Afro-Ukrainian celebrity, Gaytana. Hear/see: http://bit.ly/zwmJit FYI: Eurovision has only had one black winner in its 56 year history. 2001 - Estonia. ----------------------------------------------- Hugh Jackman keeps stuff at a garage in Leatherhead. ----------------------------------------------- >> Wooaaarrrghhh! << What is it good for? Edwin Starr seems to have adjusted to the afterlife pretty well. According to someone who lived in the house he died in, they would often hear sounds around the house when no-one else was in and creaky footsteps on the stairs. "If it was Edwin, he was a very chilled out ghost. No animosity from him. Bless his cottons..." FYI: This supernatural scoop was on the moneysavingexpert.com forums: http://bit.ly/zFp2Du ------------------------------------------------ There are six more Starbucks coffee shops in London than there are in New York. ------------------------------------------------ >> Liar, liar, Danny Dyer << Tea drinker, adopted, footballer We interviewed Danny Dyer recently and decided to play that classic parlour game with him where you tell two lies and one truth about yourself. These were his statements: 1. "I almost became a professional footballer." 2. "I drink a lot of Jasmine tea." 3. "I was adopted." Can you guess which one is true? For the answer - and find out when he'd drop N-Joi's Anthem, his audition for the Ed Norton part in American History X, working with Harold Pinter and what he thinks of Adam Deacon - take a look at the interview. Read: http://bit.ly/z1Mrlh ------------------------------------------------ Simon Callow likes Eat. He was most recently spotted at the one in Paddington. He picked the egg and ham sandwich. ------------------------------------------------ >> Prince of parkness << Ozzy goes to Birmingham Ozzy Osbourne was in Birmingham this weekend, presumably to see Rammstein play the NEC on Saturday. Like any good megastar, he cared not one jot for the parking procedures of the Hilton hotel, and so left his car in the spot reserved for emergency vehicles. It was still there on Sunday afternoon. FYI: We've got Rammstein dildoes: http://bit.ly/bJ8Veb ------------------------------------------------ David Hockney likes sausage, but he only likes traditional English ones like standard pork, or pork and apple. ------------------------------------------------ >> Border collies << Anti terrier-ist methods The terrorism threat of recent years has seen a huge surge in the number of dogs being employed by military and police in America. The New Yorker reports that enough good dogs couldn't be found locally, so they are largely imported from Eastern Europe. These dogs are the descendants of the aggressive patrol dogs bred to guard the Iron Curtain borders of America's great enemy in Cold War days. Which is rather amusing. *********************************************** The REAL story behind the OSCARS: Brad leaving Ange? Cam & J-LO meltdowns Inside gossip, fashion-porn, art, shopping.. served with a huge dose of bitch! http://bohomoth.com/ *********************************************** >> Mucky pups II << More slovenly celebs After last week's revelation that Trevor McDonald has filthy trousers, the owner of a bar near the ITN studios tells us that Sir Trev often popped in for a spot of dinner and a glass of red in advance of his broadcasts. He would usually only leave at about five to ten, so perhaps in all the rush a little tie and trouser spillage is understandable. Other messy eaters include: Al Pacino - A glimpse at the sleeves and front of his jacket will always tell you what he's just been eating. Robbie Coltrane - At Pinewood Studios during his Hagrid days he would have up to seven different types of food over himself at any one time. Clarissa Dickson Wright - Caught shovelling mini pork-pie canapes into her handbag at the British High Commissioner's house in Sydney on a promotional visit. Know any others? hello@popbitch.com ----------------------------------------------- S writes: "Your info on Bill Gates is slightly off. He gets through meetings on Cherry Coke. When he started getting a little flabby his wife insisted he move to Diet Cherry Coke." ----------------------------------------------- >> Things that make you go hmm << Squealing badgers, judo, tits Q/ What do you get when you cross a badger and a theremin? A/ This: http://bit.ly/ApqxiO Nick Cave Watch #23 (the photo is amazing): http://bit.ly/AgNpYt Tits in disguise: http://titthinksitspeople.blogspot.com/ Judo Casebook - the words of the Sun's Dear Deidre column illustrated with a judo training manual: http://bit.ly/yaUOkl An otter walks into a fish restaurant... http://bbc.in/wL6B1J Underwater internet cables: http://bit.ly/yHb8t9 Good collection of links about internet privacy: http://bit.ly/zgHCvC >> Stuff about Popbitch << * Email us stories, gossip, otter pics: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ********************************************* Thanks to: P, DM, PR, M, DH, monstris, ulysses, jk, TL, CW, M, JL, SD, TM, ferret, CW, celtiagirl, bobbifleckmann, deep_stoat, thegingerprince, ********************************************* Old Jokes Home I went to the Local Indian last night and tried something different, a Pelican Curry. It wasn't too spicy, but the bill was enormous. Still Bored? Poor Lana Del Ray. Now plagiarism accusations are swirling. It's like Natalie Imbruglia all over again: http://bit.ly/wOkrbF
