Winehouse isn’t coming back

According to her mum Janis, Amy Winehouse is staying on her extended St. Lucian jolly for well into the foreseeable future. Claiming Amy is ‘more relaxed than she’s ever been’ (that’ll be the 10 spliffs a day, Jan) the family aren’t too bothered about making plans to ship the singer back to Britain so she can get on with the business of making music; news which should delight her record label:

“Amy’s in a really good place at the moment. She is eating well and has put on some weight, which I’m really pleased about.

“She’s also been doing so much out there to clear her head, like taking long walks and doing horse riding. She has no plans to come home right now and definitely doesn’t want to go back to Camden.”

Hopefully when’s she’s done taming wild animals and playing naked Scrabble she can come back and revive the UK’s comatose celebrity circuit, so we don’t have to suffer another day of ‘Lily Allen vs the rest of Twitter’.

Britain slightly less broken

In news that will shock literally no-one, rumours abound that the current poster- children of ‘Broken Britain’, 13 year-old Alfie Patten and his 15 year-old girlfriend Chantelle Steadman, didn’t actually bash their pubescent parts together and make little baby Maisie after all.

In fact, we reckon it was someone a lot more ‘mature’ than young Alfie. But, like a slightly less retarded version of Karen Matthews, all parties involved decided it might be a good opportunity to milk some cash (estimated at half a million by Max Clifford, who yes, has stuck his oar in already) out of the various documentary and interview offers that have duly rolled in, by plonking a 13 year-old at the helm of the good ship ‘Screwed Up’. Watch for every other bum-fluffed teen that might have had a go now scrambling to get in on the act.

‘Octomom’ needs money, friends

It’s all going wrong for ‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman. Despite initially being welcomed with the same sort of pitying affection you’d give Sloth from The Goonies, America has turned its back on her after it was revealed she’s already on the dole with 6 other kids and looks a bit like Angelina Jolie (but more like Pete Burns).

Coincidentally, Nadya is a massive Angie fan. Such a big fan, in fact, she’s rumoured to have visited a plastic surgeon in an attempt to look more like the actress.  So it must have been a nice surprise for the mother-of-fourteen to read last week that her hero is apparently ‘creeped out’ by her. That’s Angelina Jolie. Calling another woman ‘creepy’.

“It is clear this woman needs psychological help,” a source close to Jolie told the Chicago Sun Times.

“It’s one thing to clip out a celebrity’s photo from a magazine and ask your stylist to copy that cut. Who hasn’t done that?”

“But to have a nose job, have collagen injections in your lips and start talking like Angelina – that’s over the top.”

Yeah, the collagen and nose jobs that 60% of actress in Hollywood can claim to have done are over the top. Why can’t Nadya just be normal and carry around a vial of her boyfriend’s blood? Or collect her children from various continents? Or be sexually deviant enough to warrant her own Daily Mail campaign?

So far, donations to the ‘Official Octomom Fund’ roughly stand at some mouldy, oxidised loose change, a box of hate mail and a few death threats. Nadya needs a friend. What would YOU donate? Answers on a postcard. Or newsdesk@popbitch.com will do.

Daily Link Dump 16/02

Instead of bowing out with a modicum of dignity, like it should have done at least 5 years ago, The Simpsons has got a new, HDTV-friendly intro. Beginning of the end?

> News of the World ruins breakfasts all over the country, with photos of Peaches Geldof and Beth Ditto showing off their godawful tattoos and more

> Brave Jade goes shopping for a wedding dress, admits her death is likely to be broadcast across the nation [The Mail]

> It only took a week, but Chris Brown has said sorry. Sort of. It sounds more like ‘I didn’t beat her up as badly as you might think’ [People]

> Liverpool fans bear grudges: Man U supporter has his ankle and ribs broken on holiday, marriage destroyed via Facebook when he gets back home [Daily Express]

> ‘41 year-old transgendered wife exercises 73 year-old husband to death in swimming pool’ [NY Daily News]

> Lolinator -- add a laughter track to any YouTube video [Lolinator]

Hold my sphincter tight

Stop the presses! Tony Mortimer, former East 17 colonel and Reggie Kray pallbearer, is back! And he’s decided to blast his new solo career into Britain’s consciousness by ‘improving’ a selection of hits from ’90s songwriting nemesis, Gary Barlow. From the official MySpace blog, which, commendably, he does still update, Tony alerted fans:

“We are running through 15 tracks and playing around three covers,”

“A few have asked for a Take That cover – well there’s definitely room for improvement on those songs, that’s for sure.”

Literally can’t wait. It’s Mortimer’s first appearance since the ill-fated 2006 reunion, which he didn’t want to do in the first place in anticipation of the rows that duly followed. This tip-off at the time might give some insight as to why it all went wrong:

East 17 have been playing University Summer
balls. At a recent concert Brian Harvey was
a complete mess all night and, when being ferried
away from the stage, farted all the way down
in the lift and apologised after every one.

Daily Link Dump 13/02

Bale, Johnson, even Obama: profanity is clearly ‘in’ for 2009. We thought we’d calm things down a bit with a less naughty version of the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ of expletive filled rants -- Casino’s 21 ‘fucks’ in 2 minutes.
(Here’s the original, if, for whatever twisted reason, you don’t know the scene; and here’s a Pesci/De Niro bonus. Don’t say we never give you anything)

> Camden rejoice! Winehouse is leaving
[The Sun]

> Octopussy needs all 8 kids to help her with the amount of hate mail she’s receiving
[Holly Scoop]

> Chris Brown handles the Rihanna situation in a mature fashion -- through Facebook
[WWTDD]

> Cocaine is cheaper than beer and wine. Where?
[Telegraph]

> When Teachers Strike Back II: ‘Your son’s fucking fat’
[The Sun]

> India proudly develops fizzy cow piss. ‘It will compete with Coke and Pepsi’.
[Ananova]

> Willy Wankered: Buy The Wackness on DVD, find the golden ticket, win a gram of ‘high-grade skunk’
[Ananova]

> We’ll stop posting Watchmen promos when they stop being so awesome. Superhero version of that ’80s Nintendo classic, Double Dragon
[I Watch Stuff]

Scooped!

Headline from the Daily Mirror, 12th February:
‘EXCLUSIVE – Rihanna bust-up sparked by Chris Brown flirting with Leona Lewis’

Quote from The Metro, 11th Feburary:
‘A spokeswoman for Lewis, 23, insisted: ‘This has nothing to do with Leona’.

Morning!

Daily Link Dump 12/02

Brad Pitt doing more rubbish accents in Quentin Tarantino’s proudly illiterate WWII epic, Inglourious Basterds

> MRSA-style virus could leave Michael Jackson’s face ‘in need of [more] major reconstructive surgery’
[The Sun]

> ‘Octopussy’ is now accepting donations
[People]

> Coronation St. -- the video game
[Daily Mail]

> More eating, sleeping and shitting than you can shake a stick at
[Urlesque]

> Tories get embroiled in a nerdy web of scandal on Wikipedia
[The Sun]

> End of the rainbow found, no Irish or gold though
[Science Dude]

> Remember, somebody else has always had a worse day than you
[F My Life]

Oscars 2009

The 81st Academy Awards take place on 22nd February. No expense has been spared here to bring you the ultimate Oscars guide.

* We have searched the country for psychic cats to predict the winners.

* Made mucky anagrams of the names of the major stars.

* Scoured our archives for smut and gossip about the nominees.

* Asked Ladbrokes to update us with the best Oscars odds as we try to ease our way through the credit crunch by ridiculous and random betting.

* Reenacted all five BEST FILM nominees with sticky back plastic, soft toys and dolls, here’s a sneak preview of Milk.

From now until Oscar night (Feb 22nd) we’ll bring you something new every day.

Click through to watch Wilbur the Psychic Cat predict the Best Actress winner..

Read more »