Daily link dump

- The nation’s favourite jigging schoolboy, George Sampson, puts his best playground tactics to use by telling everyone Paris Hilton is a bit rubbish and full of chlamydia, then trying to get in her knickers as soon as the coast is clear

- Jessica Alba, TMZ and US tv host Bill O’Reilly get into a 3 way tear-up over Swedish foreign policy
[US Magazine]

- Eventually waking from a 2 week drug-induced stupor, Joaquin Phoenix sheepishly claims he was ‘just kidding’ about that rap thing
[Hollywood Insider]

- Mike Skinner’s fans show their appreciation with kicks and punches whenever possible
[MTV]

- The BBC tries to win back some friends by commissioning a new Screenwipe spin-off
[Guardian]

- A-Team: The Movie is knocking at the door, 20 years late. Is Mr. T the most irreplaceable character in telly history?
[Cinematical]

American History XXXL

The ‘Real Life’ section in Closer magazine is often packed full of wonderful people with poignant stories to tell (’My son was born a girl, and my fiancé used to be a woman!’), and fortunately this week’s issue is no different…

Click on for squash-tika scandal

Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get A Muff

After the showcase of solitary nipples that we were subjected to in the free London press last week [story here], we were fully expecting them to peddle something a little harder this week, but nothing quite prepared us for the eye-popping flesh-fest that thelondonpaper printed on page 2 yesterday evening.

See how many bits you can spot:

Any advance on three nipples and a fairly hefty wisp of pubic hair?

Daily link dump

Welcome to the slowest news day in the history of recorded fact:

- Various people mill about suggesting terrifically shit ideas for bringing TOTP back from the dead
[NME]

- Sylvester Stallone’s new look falls somewhere between ‘Action Man doll’ and ‘penis’
[Defamer]

- Crap Victoria Beckham lookalike shunned by society, ‘one woman threw a lit cigarette’. Ha!
[Daily Mail]

- Dog employed to sniff out coke dies of nose cancer
[Metro]

- Gay penguins marry, setttle down with kids
[The Sun]

- World’s first 3D porn film gets go-ahead, director begins search for stars
[Digital Spy]

Daily link dump

- Mariah Carey flounces out of Obama’s Neighbourhood Ball, after being told the President probably doesn’t want her drooling various meds all over his table
[WWTDD]

- Vigilante belatedly defends Carol Vorderman’s honour at an awards ceremony
[The Mirror]

- This week’s foolproof plan to Save Gazza: put him in a fridge at -135 degrees centigrade. We assume because either all his booze will freeze, or he’ll just die.
[Daily Star]

- Victoria Silvstedt is a classy bird, spotted on a night out with Tommy Lee and plasters on her knees
[Daily Mail]

- Raccoon gnaws off man’s willy during attempted rape
[The Sun]

- Just like Where’s Wally: spot four Secret Service goons taking up sniper positions and the hilarious number of people that couldn’t be arsed to stay awake (including one in the second row for fuck’s sake) during Obama’s inauguration
[Geekologie]

A Nipple A Day…

We’ve noticed a strange trend occurring in the daily newspapers since The Audit Bureau of Circulations released their figures for 2008 earlier this month [The Guardian].

Amongst other things, they revealed that The Sun’s circulation is down by 1.43% on last year, The Daily Star’s is down by 7.19% and The Daily Mirror’s is down by 8.3%.  That being so, it now looks as though the free London papers are making a play for those wayward smut-hungry readers by introducing a little more filth into their print – one nipple at a time.

Full story here:

Lily Allen is off to Afghanistan

Lily Allen has wrapped up a fortnight of press junkets for her newest compilation of caterwauls by offering the most meaningful and interesting insight yet – she’s leaving our shores for Afghanistan. Lily has suddenly come over all nihilist and decided celebrity lifestyle is too superficial, so she’s buggering off to help kids for the charity War Child:

“I sometimes feel like my life is a bit empty – as ridiculous as that sounds to some people, a bit vacuous.”

Yeah, we’re all baffled by the idea your life might be a tad shallow at the moment:

L. Allen, 15/01/09
“I would have a bath in the morning and Alfie would come in and even poo in front of me a couple of times”

L. Allen, 21/01/09
“[Ms. Dynamite's comeback] makes me literally cry tears of happiness and joy and pride”

Ricky Wilson of the Kaiser Chiefs,  19/01/09
“I got this weird text the other day from Lily Allen of her topless. And I’m looking at it going ‘why has she sent me that’! Literally a minute later ‘beep beep’… Sorry, wrong Ricky!’”

etc. etc. etc.

Which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

Someone had a bad trip on Virgin Atlantic, then wrote to Richard Branson to complain. Or so the story goes. It also says Branson rang him up to say it was the funniest letter he’d ever received, which sounds plausible…

Click on to follow the ‘culinary journey of hell’

Why won’t you let him be great?

In the past few years, Kanye West’s enthusiastic embracement of his own knobbery has grown powerful enough to collapse in on itself, invert, and almost make him sort of endearing. In a hate filled way. His latest paranoia-induced rage has come after AVN, America’s premier bongo mag trade sheet, mistakenly reported a couple of made up quotes about the rapper looking forward to crossing swords in a M/M/F scene. West got wind of the news and hastily logged on to his blog to bash out a rebuttal, including asides about his day in Paris with ‘Louie’ Vuitton and the shadowy organisation that are out to suppress his awesomeness

YOOOO WHY WON’T YOU LET ME BE GREAT!!!   I HAD THE TWO GREATEST DAYS OF MY LIFE AND WHEN I GET BACK FROM THE LOUIE SHOW I READ SOME SHIT CLAIMING I SAID I’M DOWN TO DO PORN AND SOME BISEXUAL PORN!!!!   I CAN’T BELIEVE THE AVN WOULD POST      FIRST PEOPLE BELIEVED THE TWITTER/STEVEN COLBERT THING, ROLLING STONE EVEN PRINTED IT!!!!   NOW SOMEBODY HAS BEEN HACKING INTO MY MYSPACE AND SOMEBODY’S ACTUALLY  HACKED INTO MY PERSONAL GMAIL ACCOUNT AND HAS BEEN EMAILING PEOPLE FROM IT… HEY WORLD I NO LONGER HAVE A GMAIL!     I FOUND OUT I HAD TWELVE UNAUTHORIZED SKYPE ACCOUNTS UNDER MY NAME!!!  THIS ALL IN THE PAST FOUR DAYS.  WELCOME TO KANYE WEST WORLD!  ….   IT’S NOT OFFICIAL.     I JUST GAVE  THE PERFORMANCE OF MY LIFETIME FOR OUR NEW PRESIDENT … THEN I FLEW TO PARIS AND THEY DEBUTED MY NEW SHOES THAT I DESIGNED WITH LOUIE VUITTON WHICH WAS A DREAM COME TRUE.     PLEASE I BEG YOU, GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   LET ME BE GREAT!!!    WHO HAVE I HURT SO BAD THAT THEY WANT TO DESTROY ME?   WHO HAVE I EVER SPOKE ABOUT SO NEGATIVELY?  I JUST WAS SPEAKING WITH OUR NEW PRESIDENT TWO DAYS AGO… AND NOW THIS….  SIDEBAR… NEVER TAKE A PICTURE FROM MY OBAMA PERFORMANCE AND PUT IT NEXT TO A BS QUOTE LIKE THAT!  THAT’S IN POOR TASTE!  THAT UNDERMINES WHAT MY CONTRIBUTION TO THAT EVENT WAS AND SLAPS EVERYBODY WHO FELT UPLIFTED BY THAT PERFORMANCE IN THE FACE!   A PICTURE SAYS A THOUSAND WORDS…  LOOK HOW FRESH MY SUIT IS… NUFF SAID!

Good effort, but not enough to beat the level of unintentional hilarity reached after a concert promoter dared to doubt his workrate: “This is the most offended I’ve ever been… this is the maddest I will ever be. I’m typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air !!!!!!!!!”

Daily link dump

- James Corden’s daily pie intake singlehandedly kept local baker in business [The Sun]

- Madeleine McCann porn-o-matic causes OUTRAGE on the streets of Hackney [Daily Mail]

- Steven Gerrard and friends all plead ‘not guilty’ to kicking a DJ’s teeth out. Must’ve done it himself [BBC Sport]

- Vinnie Jones’ plan to save Gazza involves kidnapping, deserted islands and ‘tough love’ [The Sun]

- Kelly Osbourne goes back to rehab. In an amazing coincidence, the Osbournes are in the middle of filming a new series. [Dlisted]

- Woman unmercilessly bludgeoned in dildo attack [Daily Mercury]

- Washington D.C.’s dirty stop outs search for their post-inauguration one night stands [Jossip]