****************************************************
Ever thought you might want to find a way of
drinking a little bit less? Or just how to
avoid that extra drink you really don't want?
We did Georgia Foster's course, the Drink Less
Mind, and it was amazing. For anyone who has
ever thought about drinking a bit less but
needs more than just willpower to cut down,
download the hypnotherapist's book for 9.99:
http://www.georgiafoster.com/popbitch_ebook2.php
****************************************************

"But you know how big the universe is?
It's freakin' huge!" Sammy Hagar

"I’ve had psychotic episodes in public. One
of them was on camera – the opening scene
of Apocalypse Now. So I know what Charlie
is going through" - Martin Sheen
----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH           _     _ _
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_|         |_| 24.03.11 ISSUE 538

Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com

* After Knut - the new cute
* Eden Wood - the new JonBenet
* Charts: Adele is number one again
----------------------------------------------------

         >> Blind hate <<
         Keeping Cilla off our screens

    If you were "lucky" enough to catch
    Cilla Black on Loose Women the other day,
    you may have wondered how it can be that
    she gets so little telly work.

    There could be any number of reasons,
    but chief among them might be the fact
    that a top bod at ITV stonewalls each
    and every attempt that Cilla makes to
    get on screen.

    Why this personal vendetta? Maybe it has
    something to do with how the top bod in
    question started their career at ITV -
    as a runner for Cilla on Blind Date.

FYI: We also hear that Cilla is hated "beyond
all reason" by BA First Class staff.

----------------------------------------------------
In the US TV film "William and Kate", the bride's
brother, James Middleton, is played by...
Calvin from S Club Juniors!
----------------------------------------------------

         >> Poison pen <<
         The sorry state of Desmond mags

    We're not convinced Richard Desmond is
    really about to sell his magazines. But
    if he's wondering why sales of OK! are
    slumping it could be something to do with
    the fact that what's promised on the cover
    is rarely delivered inside, and even OK!
    readers have cottoned on. Like this week:

    The cover: Peter Andre - "I cant believe
    I lived with that poisonous woman"

    So, you'd be turning the pages to see him
    let rip on his ex-wife, perhaps...?

    The story inside: "As Pete’s former nanny
    is jailed... (for trying to poison Ann
    Summers tycoon Jacqueline Gold) OK! takes a
    look at other extraordinary moments
    in the singer’s life."

----------------------------------------------------
Shirley Williams auditioned for, and narrowly
lost, the role in National Velvet that made
Elizabeth Taylor a star.
----------------------------------------------------

       >> Big Questions <<
       Who is asking what this week

    Which soap star managed to get quite
    the reputation at stage school for
    persuading the younger children into
    giving him blow-jobs?

----------------------------------------------------
Bizarre career move of the week: ex-MP Mark Oaten,
probably most famous for paying a rent boy to
shit on him, is the new chief executive of the
International Fur Trade Federation.
----------------------------------------------------

         >> Same as it ever was <<
         Yet more celebrity toilet humour 

T writes:
    "When I worked as a manager at Shepherds Bush
    Empire in the 1990s, I was called one night
    as a matter of urgency to the artist's main
    dressing room. When I arrived, it transpired
    that David Byrne was unable to make his
    customary last minute visit to the lavatory
    before stage time owing to the presence of
    something that a previous occupant had left
    behind. I, and one of Harvey Goldsmiths'
    representatives, were eventually able to send
    the straggler on its way, affording Mr Byrne
    the opportunity to do the same with some
    of his own soonafter."

----------------------------------------------------
Spotted yesterday in the Eat on Marylebone High
Street: Ben Fogle, dressed in a navy blue suit
and cravat. He was writing a speech for House of
Lords, on urban parks.
----------------------------------------------------

         >> Polar paradise <<
         After Knut - the new cute

    Poor old Knut. His candle burned out long
    before his legend ever will, etc. Full autopsy
    results don't come out until tomorrow but
    their initial findings suggest he had brain
    disease, poor fella. Attention inevitably turns
    to Flocke, Nuremburg's rival of cuteness.
    And here - thankfully - the news is good.
    Flocke lucked out. She's been moved to the
    glitzy South of France, to Marineland,
    "designed for conserving polar bears in their
    proper conditions". It is huge, with sea and
    fresh water pools, air-con, refrigerated
    caves and an ice-bed. 

Baby Flocke:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZpZOI-QBQU
Flocke now:
http://bit.ly/dRFimD

Want to see something new and cute to
cheer yourself up post-Knut?
Baby cheetah, baby wolf (learning to howl)
and baby elephants in a paddling pool:
http://bit.ly/dLRfaZ  

----------------------------------------------------
The writer of the New York Times obituary of
Elizabeth Taylor died six years before her.
----------------------------------------------------

        >> Sound of Eden <<
        The horrifying new JonBenet

    Not everything that is young and squeaky is 
    cute. Take Little Eden Wood for example -
    child beauty pageant 'star' and now pop
    hopeful who has been making  waves
    in the States.

    Watching her perform her single "Cutie
    Patootie" is a horrifying enough sight as it 
    is, but just wait and see what happens
    when you slow it down by 33%. Suddenly,
    right before your eyes, the six-year old girl
    is transformed into a drunken white-trash
    dwarf who slurs her speech. Or a glimpse
    into Eden's future...

FYI: Tragic child pageant star JonBenet Ramsey
was found dead, aged six, in the basement of
her parents’ house in Boulder, Colarado. Six
year-old Eden Wood is from Little Rock, Arkansas. 

FYI 2: JonBenet's mother had an androgynous
name - Pat. Eden's mom is called Mickie.

----------------------------------------------------
Eden Wood's middle name is Alexxa. With two Xs.
----------------------------------------------------

        >> AsBo Selecta <<
        Bad music taste is criminal

    A man in Folkestone had his stereo and CD
    collection confiscated in a police raid
    this week after neighbours complained about
    his excessive playing of I’m Every Woman.

    This follows a story last month of a man
    imprisoned for five weeks for continually
    playing Tina Turner records at full volume.
    Then, late last year a girl got an ASBO for
    repeatedly blasting out Cheryl Cole and a
    hairdresser got one too for playing Tammy
    Wynette, Alison Moyet and Charlotte
    Church too loudly.
   
    Is there some sort of correlation between
    bad taste in music and criminality? Or is it
    just that people don't complain when their
    neighbours play good tunes?

   
FYI Andrea Corr is well known for playing
Corrs’ records at full blast at her own
parties and yet has not been arrested.
Hardly seems fair.

----------------------------------------------------
Stella-off-the-Apprentice got married this week at
Leez Priory, Essex. (No SirAlan spotted.)
----------------------------------------------------

        >> Private dancer <<
        Goldie in, Madonna out

    Bikram Choudhury is the multi-millionaire
    guru behind Bikram Yoga (the one you do in
    a room heated to 40 degrees). A couple of years
    ago he claimed Madonna wanted private lessons
    from him, but he declined saying "If you
    want to learn from me, then you have to come
    to my classes. You have to leave your ego behind."

    Yesterday in the Evening Standard, Goldie,
    who wants to train to be a Bikram Yoga teacher,
    claimed that Bikram had called him up and
    offered him private tuition. Goldie says he
    turned it down. "I felt like: 'Who am I?
    I'm worthless. I'm a newbie'."

    Well, unless someone's telling porkies, we can
    only assume that Bikram is mad keen on
    late 90s darkside drum and bass.

----------------------------------------------------
Peter Mandelson is another celebrity Bikram fan.
And maybe Prince Harry - http://bit.ly/gF4drl
----------------------------------------------------

      >> Footballs-up <<
      Craig David - don't give up the day job

    There's something of a star-studded
    five-a-side football circuit in London.
    We've been patrolling the pitches to
    give you a form update:           

    The Good - Aled Jones (the choirboy one)
    The Bad - H from Steps
    The Piss-poor - Craig David 

    But by general consensus - the worst?
    Poor old Jim Corr.

There's a clip of Craig David from a
few years back. There's a really nice
open goal miss near the end:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdgLP5h22T8

----------------------------------------------------
Any McFly fans around? This is up on Gaydar:
ANY GUY GOING TO THE MCFLY CONCERT ON THE 30TH WHO
WANTS TO GET UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH ONE OF
THE BAND AFTER WARDS PLEASE MESSAGE ME.
----------------------------------------------------

        >> Kane toadying <<
        Russell responds to internet

    In response to looby_loo last week,
    Russell Kane wrote to us saying:

    "Oi! I promise I'm lovely! Ask anyone
    (well, anyone else)."

    So we did. AR writes: 

    "I met Russell Kane after one of his
    shows in October. He was in a hectic
    rush to get to the Eurotunnel but
    stopped to talk to me and my friend
    and asked if we wanted a photo. I might
    be a fan but i can at least vouch that
    he was lovely to two slightly drunk girls."

----------------------------------------------------
Popbitch's favourite flower seed merchant...
Matshall Seeds' Poppy Broker.
----------------------------------------------------

        >> Things that make you go hmmm <<
        Ladyboy babies, cat bowling, Sharktopus

    If Britain's Got Talent was as good
    as Thailand's Got Talent, we'd
    probably watch it. Cowell, sign this
    girl up:
  http://bit.ly/dNyKYh 

    Separated at birth -
    Tinie Tempah and Stevie Wonder:
http://bit.ly/hYyd3n 

    Former US President wannabe Gary Hart on Libya:
http://www.mattersofprinciple.com/?p=64

    New trend - cat bowling:
http://www.popbitch.com/home/2011/03/24/cat-bowling/

    Ladyboy babies are back! Elle Macpherson:
http://bit.ly/gfOjBv 

    Ever wanted to see what a cuddly Sharktopus
    would look like?
http://bit.ly/hv6uzk 

    Artificial clouds for the Qatar World Cup?
http://bit.ly/f8sQFF 

    We made our website look a bit prettier.
    It has bits and bobs from pop culture, media
    and music throughout the week, to help you
    waste a few minutes at work when you're bored.
    If you want to know when something
    new happens, follow @popbitchnews
http://www.popbitch.com/home/

    For our prettier site, we have these people to
    thank. If you're looking for web/social
    media/designers they are a joy to work with:
http://www.northerncomfort.co.uk/

      >> UK Top 40 <<
     This week's new entries/high climbers

++Number One
ADELE Someone Like You

++ Top Ten
SNOOP DOGG Sweat

++Top Twenty
NOAH AND THE WHALE LifeGoesOn
PETER KAY AND SUSAN BOYLE I Know Him So Well
MANN Buzzin Remix

++ Top Forty
TAKE THAT Happy Now
CLAIRE MAGUIRE The Last Dance
VACCINES If You Wanna

    >> End Bit <<
    Stuff about Popbitch

* Email stories, gossip:
hello@popbitch.com

* Subscribe or unsubscribe here:
http://www.popbitch.com

* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

* Mail by aysabtu

**************************************************
Thanks to: CL, SS, intheissynoho, MW, JH,
mrs_ivy_trellis, monstris, Mount_St-Nobody,
wunder_knickers, jesusandmaryjane, SW, deep_stoat
theabominablehoman, T, 

* Any Madrid-based PB'ers?
email hello@popbitch.com
**************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and asks
"Can I get a large aperitif?". The barman looks
at her and says, "I seriously doubt it, love."

Still Bored?
Possibly the greatest use of flash on a
website ever. Don't, under any circumstances,
skip the intro. But you have to wait for the
site to load. That's when the guitar solo kicks in:
http://www.evangelcathedral.net/

"I was not trying to hurt the owl. I did
it to see if it would fly" - Luis Moreno

"There's not one tattoo that I've got on me
that doesn't mean something" - David Beckham
----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH           _     _ _
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_|         |_| 03.03.11 ISSUE 535

Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com

* Diana Ross is too posh to pull
* Peter Andre keeps things private
* Charts: Adele is still number one
----------------------------------------------------

         >> Mommy dearest <<
         The life and times of Christina A

    A few years ago, the now drunk and incapable
    Christina Aguilera was looking for an assistant.
    She had many demands for the new underling.
    High on her list was that the person she hired
    must like small dogs. She neglected to mention
    she had a child that they would also have to
    look, after along with the nanny. After
    several unsuccessful interviews, she was
    persuaded to highlight the need for a love
    of children above that of a love for air dogs.

----------------------------------------------------
Carl Barat has been spotted buying Aunt Bessie
Frozen Yorkshire Pudding in Sainsburys, Muswell Hill.
----------------------------------------------------

         >> Mysterious Girl/Boy <<
         Celebrity privacy comes in many forms

    Peter Andre seems to be enjoying life
    after ending his marriage to a notorious
    publicity seeker. Here he is last week,
    talking about his new love with Elen Rives.
    "We’re both keen to keep things away from
    the cameras as we want things to develop
    naturally and to keep our relationship private."

    Ah, celebrity privacy. So where is this
    quote from? Why, his New! magazine column,
    of course. In the same week that Elen - who,
    luckily for Pete, has the same management -
    gave a "world exclusive" interview about
    their relationship to OK!, and not long after
    they both appeared on the cover of the
    OK! magazine which celebrated OK! proprietor
    Richard Desmond's baby shower.

FYI: In Pete's column this week - how Elen's
kids (with Frank Lampard) won't be in his TV
show. Presumably he brought this up in the media
to make sure that they're kept out of the media...

----------------------------------------------------
Fees quoted to host an event at London Fashion Week:
Stacey Solomon 35k, Joe McElderry 5k. Joe got the job.
----------------------------------------------------

       >> Big Questions <<
       Who is asking what this week

    Which member of Snow Patrol has been known
    to warn his lucky conquests that he's got
    a small cock? (We're told "it is, but it
    was an okay ride anyway".) 

----------------------------------------------------
Peaches Geldof thinks Strictly Come Dancing
is tacky. (And the award for Lack Of
Self-Awareness 2011 goes to...)
----------------------------------------------------

         >> (Pull the) chain reaction  <<
         Diana Ross is too posh to flush
 
D writes:
    "Back in the late 80's I was working in
    construction in New York and my wife got a job
    as Diana Ross's housekeeper, at her very plush
    apartment off 5th Avenue.
 
    Among my wife's responsibilities was
    to flush the toilet after Diana had finished
    her number twos."

----------------------------------------------------
The Pope, apparently, smokes Marlboro Red.
----------------------------------------------------

        >> Bend for a friend <<
        African musicians come to London

    A few months back we wrote about "Benda
    Bilili" - a documentary about a band of
    (mostly) paraplegic musicians from the
    Democratic Republic Of Congo. Well, the
    film is due out this month and we can't
    wait.

    The film-makers Renaud Barret and Florent
    De La Tullaye faced many challenges
    shooting the 5-year documentary on the
    streets of Kinshasa, which are populated
    by assorted 'shegues' (street kids),
    military dealers, hoods and thugs of all
    kinds - none more so than when they were
    thrown in jail for refusing to give in to
    police blackmail.

    The pair were only released when the members
    of Staff Benda Bilili led a pack of storming
    paraplegics to charge the police station
    shouting "Give us back our whites!".

Benda Bilili! Viral
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39oaCsB7fpY

FYI Fancy seeing it? There's a gala premiere
of the film that four lucky PB readers can win
ticket pairs to on Friday 11th March at London Union
Chapel. Mark your entries "Benda Bilili Popbitch
Competition" and send to info@t-fe.com before
midnight on Monday 7th.

----------------------------------------------------
Best email address of the week: Andrew Payne of
Wright Hassall Solicitors. Yes, that's A Payne
at Wright Hassall.
----------------------------------------------------

         >> All rise <<
         It's great to have Blue back

CC writes:
    "I saw Blue perform at the University of Hull
    summer ball, some years ago. They had just
    come from performing at Leeds' summer ball and
    were noticeably hammered. They, therefore,
    did a bad job at miming, but that made them
    entertaining. The best bit was watching them
    point, and through their microphones,
    say 'that one' 'her too'. Classy."

----------------------------------------------------
Adele has the biggest first week sales in the US
since Kanye West in October. She's also currently
one and two in the UK album chart. The last time
this happened was with The Corrs in 1999.
----------------------------------------------------

        >> Northern and hell <<
        The second coming of Robert Maxwell

    There's trouble brewing in Richard
    Desmond's empire. One of the execs at
    Channel 5 is privately claiming that
    the ex-Mrs Desmond was the stabilising
    influence and since the divorce
    Richard has been growing ever more barmy.
    Denise Van Outen's done it but
    don't be too surprised if disgruntled
    employees start to break cover about it too.
    There's certainly something of the Robert
    Maxwell going on. Take the new Health Lottery
    that Desmond has unveiled. Remind you in any
    way of when Maxwell started putting bingo on
    the front page of the Mirror, fronted by
    his own daughter? Let's hope the Desmond family
    don't own any yachts.

----------------------------------------------------
Ben Foster celebrated Birmingham's Carling Cup win
with Monday lunch at Galvin at Windows.
----------------------------------------------------

         >> Sing when you're sinning <<
         Who's who in the world of dictator pop

    One of the most surprising things to come
    out of the Libyan uprising is the revelation
    that Gaddafi paid Nelly Furtado $1 million
    to play a private concert for him. Who
    knew anyone still liked Nelly Furtado that much?

    Of course, she's not the first nor the last
    popstar to play for a controversial political
    leader. Others include:

    Sting - Islam Karimov (Uzbekistan)
    Bob Marley - Robert Mugabe (Zimbabwe)
    Manic Street Preachers - Fidel Castro (Cuba)
    James Brown - Mobutu Sese Seko (Congo)

    Chris De Burgh was also supposed to play for
    Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Iran) but the gig fell
    through due to civil unrest in the area.
    Shame.

    Hugo Chavez (Venezuela) doesn't care for the
    company of popstars. He prefers to hang out
    with actors. Sean Penn and Danny Glover have
    both been guests of his.

FYI Nice to see some stars are unwilling to get
caught up in politics. East 17 kept it real with
their Mongolian fans and earned their money the
hard way - playing a residency at a
working men's club out there.

----------------------------------------------------
Drinking together in the BA lounge Heathrow this
week: Dom Joly, Simon Day, Peter Duncan, Neil Ruddock,
Ricky Grooves and Julia Peasgood. On their way to
Argentina for celebrity Total Wipeout.
----------------------------------------------------

        >> Shithead <<
        Tom P B likes reading

    Tom Parker Bowles recently went to a
    meeting at a publishing company to
    talk about his food book. On his
    way out he decided to take home with
    him a copy of The Story Of The Little
    Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business.
    It's a story about a mole who discovers
    that he has a pile of shit on his head.
    Sounds like a man with good taste.

----------------------------------------------------
In the next series of Celebrity Masterchef -
Linda Lusardi and someone out of Hollyoaks.
Something to look forward to then.
----------------------------------------------------

         >> Eurovision update <<
         Fingers crossed we're going to Minsk       

    One of Eurovision's greatest charms is that
    it seems to hold a mirror up to the politics
    of Europe. This week was all about the former
    Eastern Bloc. Belarus entered a retro Sov-pop
    track called Born In Belarussia. From listening
    to it you might think that Belarus was a kind
    of isolated throwback to the Soviet era. Oh.
    (Sample lyrics "When I was wearing a star,
    back in the USSR".) And when the Pet Shop Boys
    -style Red Army choir kicks in it attains a
    certain genius. 

    And in Ukraine a vote-rigging scandal has hit.
    (What? In Victor Yanukovitch's ever-more
    regressive, Soviet-style country? No!)
    The final three were recalled for a second
    attempt at a fair final but our favourite,
    Jamala, announced she was pulling out as
    she didn't trust it leaving the original
    "winner" Mika Newton to walk it a second time.
    So now that she has won it fair and square,
    everyone's happy. Everyone except Mika Newton
    who has now decided she might change her song
    anyway.

Belarus:
http://bit.ly/g8O2MU 

FYI 1: Remember the amazing Babushkas who narrowly
failed to be Russia's entry last year?
They're rumoured to be this year's
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmT0T7bJ4Rk

FYI 2: Dana International is vying to represent
Israel again. We think we prefer one of her
competitors. He's called simply "Knob".

----------------------------------------------------
The Ford dealership in Peebles was owned by
a man called Harrison.
----------------------------------------------------

        >> Deuce Bigalow: cock <<
        When Hollywood goes to Asia

    Rob Schneider recently did a stand-up
    show in Singapore. This is what one of
    the helpers there told us about him:

    * Shorter than expected? TICK
    * Balding and wearing a ridiculous beret
     to cover this up? TICK
    * Insanely hot girlfriend that he would
     never get if he wasn't a 'star'? TICK
    * Asking you a question and then
    ignoring the answer? TICK.
    * Belittling the local comedians he invited
    to perform as guests at his gig for not being
    funny enough before they went on stage? TICK.
    * Berating same comics for being 'too funny',
    making his job harder after they went on? TICK.
    *Shouting catchphrases from one his
    movies and adding 'Singapore' to the end
    of it literally from the word go?.
    eg "You can do it Singapore"? TICK
    * Sleep walking through his gig as though
    he was only doing it for the money? TICK.

****************************************************
Strap yourselves in as A-list air hostess PAM ANN
touches down at the Magners Glasgow International
Comedy Festival 19th& 20th March.
"Cruelly funny" Madonna:
http://bit.ly/gL0Syu
****************************************************

        >> Things that make you go hmm <<
        Otters, racehorses, Hong Kong recycling

    Builders for the childish - St Albans edition:
http://www.bjbuilders.co.uk

    Popbitch Popquiz is back! Tues 8th March, at
    The Player, Soho, 730pm. Featuring London's
    oddest accordion player doing Oscar winning
    songs, Last Man Standing and Family Fortunes.
Email for a table: rochelle@popbitchpopquiz.com

    Song of the week:
http://bit.ly/hGuyfG 

    Sign of the Week:
http://bit.ly/ebyXl8 

    "Coming Up On The Rails -  Big Tits" - mucky
    racehorse names that made it through the net:
http://bit.ly/f6atJJ

    (If Popbitch had a horse what should it be
    called? email hello@popbitch.com. Best
    entries win a copy of 80s Mixtape. Don't
    say we don't spoil you.)
http://amzn.to/eOj6wv 

    Bunnies are over:
http://dailyotter.org/

      >> UK Top 40 <<
     This week's new entries/high climbers

++Number One
ADELE Someone Like You

++Top Twenty
FOO FIGHTERS Rope
TIESTO Vs DIPLO C'Mon

++ Top Forty
BREAKAGE FT JESS MILLS Fighting Fire
MANICS Postcards From A Young Man

    >> End Bit <<
    Stuff about Popbitch

* Email stories, gossip:
hello@popbitch.com

* Subscribe or unsubscribe here:
http://www.popbitch.com

* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

* Mail by aysabtu

**************************************************
Thanks to: CL, WB, AM, SW, GA, muzar, CC, JW,
If !(sleep){sheep++;}, jesusandmaryjane, CMH,
simon_cowell, singapore_slag, deep_stoat, rafe
mount_st_nobody, muzar, L, 

Thanks to the many AFL fans who emailed us to
point out that Ricky Nixon is not the player
manager of St Kilda, but he's a personal
manager/player for some of the players.
**************************************************

Old Jokes Home:
Statistics show that 1-in-20 of us live next door
to a convicted paedo. Not me, though, I live next
door to two stunning eight year-olds.

Still Bored?
Adam Rickett - looking as comfortable on stage
as he ever did:
http://bit.ly/hDkimM

> It’s not often we’re thankful we’re not in New York, but this article on first dates makes living in Scunthorpe sound more appealing [NYT]

> Eating champion Kobayashi takes a stand against Major League Eating but overwhelming desire to eat gets him arrested [Huff Post]

> Meet Boniface the amazing scuba diving dog [Gawker]

> There was a brilliant article in Sunday Times on England’s World Cup turmoil but thanks to their paywall we can’t share it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgB8JQ7ivxw

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLXcQNQJ0qk

It’s nice to see that the spread ends with this quote: “I’m so glad I’m not part of that circus. All I want is my kids, I don’t care about anything else.”

That’d be why he has a double page spread in New! magazine every week, commenting on celebrity news. This week: “Kate wrote something on twitter over Christmas about it being out of order that my brother Mike cut Princess’ hair and that we did it to prove a point. I couldn’t actually believe this when I read it. I hate childish comments like this, but I do feel I need to set the record straight.”

Peter Andre: staying out of the circus his own way.

Katie Price has been all over the celebrity magazines with her unpleasant antics in gold bikinis or tiny blue underwear. We’ve all read about how devastated she is, seen how pissed she is, and heard her speak about her ex with either tears or vehemence. 

And now, just to make the split official, Jordan has had her “Pete” tattoo inked over with a big, scratchy cross. 

Classy.

Best cover line: “I’ll destroy you Pete!” courtesy of Closer.

Best cover lie: “SJP’s husband cheats’ as their twins arrive.” from Now magazine.

Best artistic licence with a ‘source’: “Kerry Katona: ‘Why didn’t you stop me bingeing?” from Closer.

Freak of the week: ”I superglued my manhood to turn me into a woman” again, Closer. 

Worst celeb tattoo on show: Jordan’s ‘Peter’ with a big scratchy cross inked over it – various. 

Most bashed celeb of the week: Jordan  – on her ranting about Pete, wanting to destroy him, and planning more plastic surgery just to piss him off (he hated her changing her body).

Made up feature special: MJ tributes. From scandals about his doctor giving him the lethal injection to special 10 page tributes.

Jen/Jolie photo count: 5/9 mags have a story on Jen dating the new Brad, making the old Brad jealous, having found Mr Right and one says Angelina accuses Brad of sneaking back to Jen.

WINNER: It would have been Closer for just being nasty, but OK! pipped it with the picture of a nigh-on-dead Jacko and the strapline “In loving memory”.