Sign up here to get the email every Thursday • Email address:
It's the Grand National on Saturday. It's one of the
hardest to predict races for years. This is our
suggestion: open a Betfair account, bet on a horse
up to 25GBP, and if it loses, Betfair will REFUND
your bet. It's a no lose race!

"I decided to call the album Fearless because there
was a song on the album called Fearless so that was
sort of where I got the name from." - Taylor Swift
POPBITCH           _     _ _
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_|         |_|  02.04.09 ISSUE 441
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to

* Fern v This Morning
* MPs v BBC expenses
* Charts: Lady GaGa is number one

       >> The new People's Princess? <<
       Come on, make Gwyneth our Queen of Hearts

   Gwyneth Paltrow gets a rough press. But it's
   time we started looking beyond the ridiculous
   life advice on her website, her A-list guide to
   London and part-time film career to see she's
   really been devoting her life to helping the
   unfortunate. Even if the old Harvey
   Weinstein-and-her-leg stories aren't to be
   believed, remember this. She's been married to
   Chris Martin for nearly six years. But as
   Gwyneth spends more time in LA and the Coldplay
   bed-wetter in London, we fear the growing chorus
   of doomsayers in LA might be right, the omens
   are not looking good for the marriage. So for
   the good of us all, let's just swallow the
   sarcasm and hysterical laughter and welcome
   back Our Gwyneth. There's a vacancy for a new
   People's Princess, and - let's face it - could
   we really face a post-break up Coldplay album?

Pablo Escobar Jnr, son of the Colombian drug legend,
is re-branding the family name with a reality TV
show and a planned Escobar fashion label.

       >> Big Questions <<
       What some people are asking this week

   Which controversial Hollywood superstar isn't
   afraid to be seen in the company of plastic
   surgeons but is said to be unhappy that his
   Contour Thread Lift  (i.e. revolutionary,
   subtle face lift procedure) hasn't delivered
   quite the expected age-reduction?

   Who's the Daddy? Which Hollywood heart-throb
   with young kids spent most of January and
   February photographed only wearing sunglasses?
   The glasses are off and the eyelift is
   looking good.

Rock 'n roll's not dead... ? Open this issue of Mojo
and watch a "15% off Homebase voucher" fall out.

       >> Horse play <<
       Two British institutions, one day

   Saturday is a momentous day in Britain. First
   off we get Jade Goody's funeral  ("Jade's coffin
   will be conveyed by a vintage Rolls hearse
   followed by a cortege of four Daimler
   limousines and a Bentley, Jade's favourite car")
   and then we get the Grand National. The Sun
   tried to buy up a horse running in the National,
   Parson's Legacy, and change its name to Jade's
   Legacy. Sadly for the bookies, and the money
   they would have made on it, the authorities
   nixed the idea.

   Best bets on the day - we think -  are Darkness,
   Irish Invader and, topically, Offshore Account.
   Beckham fans might want to go for Brooklyn
   Brownie. Choose a horse with longish odds
   (look at 20-1 and above) and bet "each-way",
   which means you'll win if the horse finishes
   in the top five. Use this link and if you lose
   this bet, Betfair will give you your money back
   within 48 hours.

Guy Hands was at Lily Allen's recent gig. Despite
being the only suited and booted-type in the room
he celebrated her track "Fuck You" by making "V"
signs in time with the music.

       >> Snouts in the trough <<
       BBC versus MPs versus tabloids

   As the BBC digs deeper into the MPs expenses row,
   so they dig themselves a new hole. Tabloids
   are busy looking into publishing more on why
   the BBC itself doesn't disclose pay and perks.
   A BBC insider tells us:

   "The problem is there are are huge disparities
   in pay between equivalent positions in different
   departments, a result of a shambolic and
   unco-ordinated negotiating structure. If that got
   out, it would cost the BBC an absolute fortune
   in compensating those getting by on a hundred
   grand a year less than the person in the next
   office. A far better story for any hacks out
   there would be to investigate the power of
   agents as executive producers. Leaving aside
   the compliance smokescreen, there are agents
   out there using the BBC to plug other talent
   on their books and making a fortune out of it.
   A cursory check of the number of guests
   on Jonathan Ross' TV and radio shows managed
   by his agent might be an interesting place to
   start to see if it threw up anything interesting?"

RIP: Lorne, the karaoke loving demon from Angel.
Actor Andy Hallett died this week, aged 33.

       >> Double hander <<
       The most expensive tug in history?

Dan, London writes:
   "MPs collectively claim £93m in expenses, but
   in the wake of Jaqui Smithís husband being
   caught having 2 off the wrist, MPs are debating
   scrapping the second home allowance. That would
   equate to overall expenses being reduced by a
   third. So divide that by two porn films,
   aka two wanks, it equates to 15.5m pounds
   per hand party. Thatís got to be one of the
   most expensive in the history of rosie palmer
   and her five sisters?"

A US study is claiming that the credit crunch is
meaning a higher percentage of Americans than ever
are demanding sleeping pills from their doctors.

       >> Say sorry to a star <<
       Photographer makes overdue apology

JE writes:
   "I once was an assistant on a photo shoot where
   the famous Vogue fashion editor Andre Leon Talley
   was present.  I had a running joke at the time
   with a friend who worked at Vogue that Talley
   and editor Anna Wintour were vampires, so I
   thought it would tickle my friend to see a photo
   of me and Talley.  But how to get the photo?
   Talley was an intimidating presence, a big guy,
   and, while not exactly mean, held himself aloof
   from the many lower level workers, myself
   included, on the large scale shoot.  I decided
   to completely lie and tell him I had a friend,
   a young designer, who idolized him, and this
   young designer had AIDS. I asked him if he would
   consider having his picture taken with me because
   it would mean so much to my friend. Talley made
   the big name photographer personally take
   polaroids of us and signed them to my
   non-existent friend (Barry).  My REAL friend
   did get a hoot out of it.  And now, many years
   later, I apologize, Andre Leon Talley."

50 Cent does not write his own Twitter updates. Fiddy's
business manager does. Rap stars keepin' it real etc.

       >> Jazz is the old/new rock and roll <<
       Celebrity Parasites: the smack fluffer

   The jazz great Don Cherry had a special nurse in
   his dying days. He'd pretty much used up all his
   available veins, so her job was to blow smack
   up Don's arse through a blow pipe. She apparently
   said it was one of the easiest jobs she'd ever had.

An actor writes: "Laughed a lot at your tale from the
extra the other day. There's an old joke in the
tv/film trade "How do you kill an extra'? Answer:
"Put a sandwich in the middle of the road".

       >> The fat of the land <<
       Who will replace Fern Britton?

   Fern Britton leaving This Morning might not just
   be down to her fury at being paid so much less
   than co-host Philip Schofield. There's an issue
   dating back to Gastric Band-gate involved.
   ITV head honcho Peter Fincham invited both Brittan
   and Schofield out to discuss it, but Schofield,
   not unreasonably, demurred, saying it wasn't
   really his problem.

   And the longlist to replace Fern? Ruth Langsford
   (Mrs Eammon Holmes), Emma Forbes (think Saturday
   morning past TV), Carol Vorderman, Fiona Phillips,
   Denis Welch, Carol Smillie, Zoe Ball, Nadia Sawalha
   and Myleene Klass. Our money's on Fiona or Myleene.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic madam?
A: She ran a warehouse.

       >> The Originals pt 4 <<
       Without You - the full story

   Harry Nilssen's Without You is one of the most
   famous, loved and copied songs in pop. Nilssen
   had a largely sad life -  both Keith Moon and
   Mama Cass died in his London flat, and he died
   aged only 52 in 1994. Yet Nilssen didn't
   write Without You, it started off as a Badfinger
   album track, written by Pete Ham and Tom Evans.
   Ham's story was on even sadder one. His quiet
   personality didn't suit the music industry and
   as Badfinger got embroiled in personal and
   internal issues, Ham hung himself aged only 27.
   He left a suicide note blaming the band's
   business manager, Stan Polley, which ended
   "P.S. Stan Polley is a soulless bastard. I
   will take him with me."


FYI: Pete's girlfiend was pregnant when he died.
She called their daughter Petera.

Get 20% off shoes at with the discount
code 'POPSHOE' until April 9th. Free Delivery and
Free Returns on all orders too:

       >> Things that make you go hmm <<
       Steve Martin, Megadeth, Derren Brown

   John Shuttleworth has chosen the next track on
   Big Chill's 15 x 15 album. This year's festival
   has a great comedy line-up, including Dylan
   Moran, Sean Hughes, Josie Long, Russell Howard,
   Rob Deering and more

   Win tickets to see Popbitchís newest favourite
   pop star, Alex Roots:

   Sex toys for superstars - huge sale! If you're into
   the Easter Bunny, fine. If not, try one of our
   rabbits instead -  much more fun:

   Proof that the legendary Steve Martin
   business card exists:

   Bid for Megadeth's Cabinet of Deth:

   A lovesong to Derren Brown:

       >> UK Top 40 <<
       We predict this week's new entries/high climbers

++ Number One
Lady GaGa Poker Face

++ Top Ten
Noisettes Don't Upset The Rhythm
AR Rahman Jai Ho
Steve Angello Show Me Love

++ Top Forty
Jack Penate Tonight's Today
Doves Kingdom of Rust

Thanks to: AM, Mrs There's-a-cake-in-my-handbag,
Billy's mum, JK, steven, J, MK, PR,  Fatlimey, mg
vizzini, JM, CB, lovelight, HL

Old Jokes Home
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could
teach me how to do the splits.
They asked, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

Still Bored:
For Grand National inspiration, check out: