monkeybitch

"Oo-oo-aahh-ah-ah-ee-ee-ee-ee!" - a monkey

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* Monkeys in space

* Why does "monkey" mean Ł50?

* Charts: songs with "monkey" in the title
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        >> Monkeys in Space <<
        Ground control to Monkey Tom...

    The first attempt at putting primates in orbit was placing 
    Gordo the spider monkey on the Jupiter AM-13 (1958). He 
    returned to earth, but unfortunately he was lost at sea as 
    his "lifeboat" sank.
http://ham.spa.umn.edu/kris/gordo.html

   More successful was the 1959 flight of Baker and Able on the 
   Jupiter Missile AM-18. Although Baker lived until 1984, Able 
   died short after returning to earth due to the ill effects 
   of his anaesthesia. 
http://www.redstone.army.mil/history/monkey/welcome.html

   We have to wait until 1961 for Enos to travel in the Mercury 
   Atlas 5, happily, he returned successfully to earth after 
   two orbits.
http://science.ksc.nasa.gov/history/mercury/ma-5/ma-5.html

   Read more about famous monkeys at:
http://www.citizenlunchbox.com/monkey/famous.html


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Furious monkeys stopped traffic in an Indian city after a
car ran over a baby monkey.
http://www.discovery.com/news/earthalert/000918/monkeyindia.html
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        >> Why does "monkey" mean Ł50? <<
        Monkey's too tight to mention...

    The term monkey comes from British soldiers returning from 
    India where the 500 rupee note had a picture of a monkey on it. 
    They used the term monkey for 500 rupees and on returning to 
    England the saying was converted for sterling to mean Ł50. 
    The 25 rupee note had a picture of a pony on it, by the way. 

If you're very bored, you can find more money names at 
http://www.aldertons.com/money.htm	


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A Thai farmer has replaced his human workers with 20 
macaque monkeys.
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_62701.html
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        >> "Yum... monkey fillets" <<
        Should we eat monkeys? 

    Yes! 
    What's for dinner mum? "Hot curried monkey stir fry!"
http://www.gourmandizer.com/ezine/cannedMonkey/

    No! 
    "Humans almost certainly acquired both HIV-1 and HIV-2 
    infection while butchering monkeys for meat."
http://www.aegis.com/pubs/aidswkly/1999/AW990210.html


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Here's the picture that provided the inspiration for Jordan's 
recent photo shoot: http://www.primates.com/
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        >> "I Like Monkeys" <<
        A nice story about monkeys that gets emailed around

    "The pet store was selling them for 5˘ a piece. I thought 
    that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. 
    I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. 
    I like monkeys. 

    I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. 
    His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them 
    were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their 
    genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I 
    stopped laughing. 

    I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to 
    their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off 
    of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although
    humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway 
    into its third hour. 

    Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so 
    inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just 
    sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and 
    it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. 

    I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all 
    over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my 
    bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. 

    I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got 
    stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. 

    I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That 
    worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It
    started to smell real bad. 

   I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I 
   didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. 

   I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.   
   Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a 
   time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat 
   all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. 

   I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. 
   I had to extinguish the fire. 

   Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
   monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile 
   on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. 

   I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and 
   to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I 
   felt better. 

   I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the 
   city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him 
   that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I 
   didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. 

   I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas 
   gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended 
   that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates.
   So I punched them in the genitals. 

   I like monkeys"



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The world primate also means "A bishop of highest rank in 
a province or country"
http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=primate
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        >> Things to make you go "Monkey" << 
        Smelly monkeys, druggy monkeys, Jolie chimps

    Perhaps Patsy should have read "Are You Sure You Want a 
    Monkey?" before she married Liam: "All monkey homes share 
    something in common: broken lamps and housewares, shredded 
    curtains, unearthed house plants - not to mention the 
    unmistakable odor."
http://www.blarg.net/~critter/Primates/monkey_1.htm

    The human brain is five-to-ten times more sensitive than 
    the monkey brain to the neurotoxic effects of drugs like 
    speed or ecstacy. 
http://sulcus.berkeley.edu/mcb165/mcb165sp98tPaper/mcb165sp98R.manuscript/_2.html

    Angelina Jolie shares at least 98.4% of her DNA with chimpanzees. 
    However, Billie Piper only shares 97.7% of her DNA with a gorilla.    
    (This assumes of course that both Billie and Angelina are humans.)
http://www2.ebham.ac.uk/pkilcoyne/origins9597/sld007.htm




        >> Monkey Charts <<
        The best songs with Monkey in the title... ever

    ++ Top ten
    George Michael / Monkey 
    Smokey Robinson / Mickey's Monkey 
    Eurythmics / Monkey Monkey 
    Skid Row / Monkey Business 
    Marilyn Manson / My Monkey 
    Ringo Starr / Monkey See - Monkey Do 
    John Barry Featuring Annie Ross / Monkey Feathers
    Toots and the Maytals / Monkey Man 
    Alphaville / Monkey in the Moon
    Ren and Stimpy / I'm Gonna Be A Monkey
    Specials / Monkey Man
    Bill Wyman / Monkey Grip Glue

    Find your own selection of monkey songs at
    http://members.home.net/moses42/monkey.html


        >> End bit <<

    Send us your emails: monkey@popbitch.com

    Thanks this week to: http://www.tsluts.com, Dutchbint

    Reasons to be cheerful: 
    1. orang-utans
    2. lemurs
    3. pottos