The kettle in the kitchen is for making tea and coffee only and is not to be used for cooking lobsters in.

deep_stoat Thu 2 Sep 10:33, (Answer / reply)

All corridors or thoroughfares with laminate flooring can only be traversed by removal of the shoes and propelling oneself from one end to the other by means of a run-up and then gliding across the top surface until the destination is reached. It would be called the Slide Rule, and Sam Cooke would now be able to rest peacefully.

spank_daley Thu 2 Sep 9:12, (Answer / reply)

That Katie Price be permanently covered by a security screen, to prevent anyone from seeing her.

fayekorgazm Thu 2 Sep 13:22, (Answer / reply)

All women featuring in pornography to have Susan Boyle's face photoshopped onto their fannys.

twattybanjo Thu 2 Sep 10:40, (Answer / reply)

All participants in Bukkake films must wear safety goggles

lennie Thu 2 Sep 10:10, (Answer / reply)

Delivering insincere gratitude, or positive comment, workers must always bend at the knees.

weeble Thu 2 Sep 12:11, (Answer / reply)

For years, Wiltshire pensioner June Turnbell had done her bit for her local village by tending a councilowned flower bed.

The 79-year-old spent hundreds of pounds of her own money on plants and garden tools, but it still wasn't enough for council officials.

They decided that her efforts breached safety rules because of a bend in the road beside the plot.

If she was to continue, she would have to erect "Men at work" signs, wear a fluorescent jacket and even employ a look-out.

The defiant pensioner said: "This is health and safety gone mad. They can send me to jail if they like."

No need to make them up.......

powermaster Thu 2 Sep 15:09, (Answer / reply)

Due to worries about repetitive strain injury you are only allowed to use Twitter twice a day. That noise you hear in the background is Stephen Fry's head exploding.

roger_mycock Thu 2 Sep 10:26, (Answer / reply)

All toilet cubicles to be only waist-high.

curlywurly Thu 2 Sep 14:46, (Answer / reply)

no Jews allowed. Or blacks.

jeffjaffacake Thu 2 Sep 12:08, (Answer / reply)

All hot beverage making facilities must have thermostats set to a maximum of 16 degrees Celsius thereby reducing the risk of injuries caused by hot liquid spillage.

whitemaninhammersmithpalais Thu 2 Sep 11:44, (Answer / reply)

All warning signs to have their own warning signs , warning people to look out for warning signs

bubbleboy Thu 2 Sep 15:02, (Answer / reply)

All fat people to be fitted with stabilizers...

plasticflamingo Thu 2 Sep 9:29, (Answer / reply)