Sign up here to get the email every Thursday • Email address:

(35)

The country's broken. So how would you fix it?

35 replies

onthehushhush 0:00, reply

My plan would be for everyone to take shelter in Kerry Katona's cunt until the storm weathered.

the_farse_licker 22:20, reply

whats_the_beef_chief 16:13, reply

Anyone called Jim?

arc 15:49, reply

Put it in a car boot sale and buy something different, like a black hole, they seem to work really well.

fayekorgazm 15:34, reply

Superglue? And killing all chavs/dole scum/trustifarians.

tamara_bumpdeeay 14:45, reply

Invade France.

mosseller 14:32, reply

What's the point, it'll only go and get fucked again. Move whilst there is still fuel for the planes.

electrogal 14:19, reply

Instead of using expensive foreign oil and gas to generate our energy, we could just load the burners up with chavs. The UK seem to have an inexhaustable supply of them, and by using them for fuel we could not only reduce our reliance on unstable foreign markets, but also reduce crime, benefits costs and pressure on the health & education systems. Topshop and Heat magazine profits might take a hammering, but fuck 'em.

jumping_budgie 13:32, reply

nationalise untility services, ban religious schools, ban PFIs, ban tax loopholes that allow the super rich to do what they fucking please, allow local government and NHS to sack people when they are incompetent rather than give them another job to fuck up in a new team, bring back the birch

that should do it

glitterkitty 13:27, reply

Suicide bumming?

its_all_gone_mong 13:07, reply

more finns in high places

rick_gassko 12:14, reply

I would escalate the problem to the Alert team, who will forward my ticket to the national Tech Help hotline, who will in turn return it back to me asking for a more detailed list of instructions to reproduce the problem, and I will sit there, staring at Outlook, numb, listening to the slow humming of death, thinking "If people actually did their fucking jobs this would never have happened".

too_fat_to_skate 12:11, reply

Burn the fucker to the ground.

tryhard_fashionvictim 12:01, reply

sterilise people until they want to be pregnant and until they can support their offspring financially with minimal intervention from the state.

amend tax so that if you have kids under the age of education you don't pay tax on the first GBP50k of earnings,giving people a chance to bring their own kids up.

ban the daily mail and the express as they peddle more bollocks in a slightly more covert way about blacks/gays/muslims than the tabloids.fuck it, i'd get their editorial staff on hate crimes actually...

i'd nationalise the industries so we had a manufacturing base and ban imports from overseas of things we make here, creating jobs and putting the money back into this system.

I'd charge sheikh your money from city on something really big and keep my fingers crossed they 'do a leeds only worserer' I'd make Jason Orange my gimp,get me tits done and basically spend all day dicking around with my pals whilst making serious decisions on the economy and shit.

minky_chunky 12:00, reply

By making ME emperor. I'd sort this country out in 18 months. I'd start by giving pedestrians sticks to put through the spokes of pavement cyclists.

zygmunt 11:43, reply

Make *all* members of government use exclusively public transport, National Health Service and state schools. Oh, and give the Scots independence. See how long it takes before they come grovelling back for their handouts.

electric_goat 11:41, reply

rogerkint 11:22, reply

Cheer everyone up with a national "Giles Coren is a Cunt" day.

jacques_as_in_hattie 11:15, reply

relief_organist 11:15, reply

I still don't get the whole "regrouts" thing.

tamara_bumpdeeay 22:14, reply

start the revolution, obv. now, who's with me?

no, not you.

thegingerprince 11:09, reply

Chuck it in the bin and go and buy a new one. I suggest we buy Trinidad and Tobago.

deep_stoat 10:57, reply

Haul in Michael Jackson, a wind machine and 200 kids. That'll fucking sort it.

jpeasmoldgruntfuttock 10:49, reply

Give Bob the Builder a call. He can fix it. Yes he can.

pooky 10:46, reply

Bring back national service, repatriate immigrants and ban homosexuality & Islam. If I get any other ideas from www.dailymail.co.uk I will let you know.

arseface 10:36, reply

Steve Jobs is about to announce OS UK 10.5, as it happens. That should see us okay for the obligatory 4 years, until it just suddenly stops working again, for no apparent reason.

muttleee 10:08, reply

'sigh' someones going to say it.... Everyone back to the LZ, take off, nuke the site from orbit, its the only way to be sure.

roger_mycock 10:08, reply

I would use my childlike drawing skills to draw a picture in crayons that will unite every single person in the country and it will cause a chain of events that will sort it all out. Alternatively it will get stolen and torn up by bullies.

its_all_gone_mong 9:46, reply

country died the day billy ray cyrus cut his mullet off...it's beyond repair

sgtpeppersstoneyhardcoreband 9:16, reply

Have you tried switching it off and on again?

spank_daley 9:06, reply

Reduce the high street banking sector to one or two big players, sell all power companies to the French or Germans, reduce manufacturing to high value niche items and import everything else from China. Bet the country's wealth on hunches about the wealth of other countries and foreign companies in a few weeks time. Ensure that everyone under 18 has 6 A*s at GCSE and that the value of a University degree is about the equivalent of three good A levels 20 years ago. Make sure that only the rich (the important ones) can get drugs other than aspirin from the NHS. Outsource all IT projects to dodgy Ameican companies with poor records of completion. If it goes wrong, just bail it out from taxes.

Oh.

mike_hunt 9:02, reply

By giving the police guns. Big fuck off ones.

splut_cunker 8:33, reply

*sigh* SOMEONE has to say it, so it might as well be me: I'd get that tubby fuck Bagpuss and his mice to fix it *everybody sing*

7zark7 7:06, reply

Loo rolls and sticky backed plastic, Blue Peter would never lie to me.

opus 5:09, reply

Broken? Says who?

*waves while sitting astride the celtic tiger*

grimly_fiendish 1:12, reply